Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 50 52.1%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 14 14.6%
  • No

    Votes: 11 11.5%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 21 21.9%

  • Total voters
    96

kamalktk

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One time they called selling companion care services, which is more like an insurance that you pay a monthly fee for, and if you ever need it, you call and they send a nurse like individual, and i replied that i wasn't interested because there were no elderly people in my household, so the sales woman "it's not just for the elderly" to which i replied with a naughty tone of voice "what kind of companionship are we talking about?"


She hung up and i never got another call
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest.
So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?”
Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.
The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
_______________________________

An old lady rushed into the police station and claimed she was raped.
When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know, only that he was a builder.
When asked how she knew that, she yelled, "All he could say was, 'I'm coming soon! I'm coming soon!' and he never finished the job."
______________________________

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
_____________________________

Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
_____________________________

Follow your dreams !
(except for that one where you're naked in a church)
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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During the time Alan Turing was working at Bletchley Park cracking the Enigma codes, his sister Kay provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues

Karl Marx's sister Onja invented the starting pistol

:mcoat:
 

escargot

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A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest.
So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?”
Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.
The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
_______________________________

An old lady rushed into the police station and claimed she was raped.
When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know, only that he was a builder.
When asked how she knew that, she yelled, "All he could say was, 'I'm coming soon! I'm coming soon!' and he never finished the job."
______________________________

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
_____________________________

Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
_____________________________

Follow your dreams !
(except for that one where you're naked in a church)
Rape joke - nope.
 

Swifty

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Yeah - I like the punchline and have been trying to figure out a rapeless setup for it.
How about: An old lady goes round her Sister's and says "I've just been seduced by a hunky builder" .. you can keep the punchline then, no police station or rape mentioned. edit: or Doris boasts to her Sister that she's just pulled the hunk builder, the punchline still works but it's because she wasn't as alluring as she'd hoped so he might not even be a builder? ..
 
Last edited:

escargot

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How about: An old lady goes round her Sister's and says "I've just been seduced by a hunky builder" .. you can keep the punchline then, no police station or rape mentioned. edit: or Doris boasts to her Sister that she's just pulled the hunk builder, the punchline still works but it's because she wasn't as alluring as she'd hoped so he might not even be a builder? ..
Why does the woman have to be old? And/or disappointingly unattractive?

How about:
A couple visit the fertility clinic. The wife says 'The problem is my husband's job. It's all he thinks about. When we're in bed he says 'I'm coming soon! I'm coming soon!' and he never finishes the job.'
 

Swifty

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Why does the woman have to be old? And/or disappointingly unattractive?

How about:
A couple visit the fertility clinic. The wife says 'The problem is my husband's job. It's all he thinks about. When we're in bed he says 'I'm coming soon! I'm coming soon!' and he never finishes the job.'
She has to be old or disappointingly unattractive for the same reason a man would have to be old or disappointingly unattractive .. for both genders, we can now laugh despite their possible insecurities instead or because of them .. that's how that particular telling of the joke could be restructured .. your version of the structure would work, it's a faster version ..

"I'm coming .. I'M COMING!" shouted my husband .. than the phone went dead .. and that's why we're here today doctor."
 

CarlosTheDJ

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Why does the woman have to be old? And/or disappointingly unattractive?

How about:
A couple visit the fertility clinic. The wife says 'The problem is my husband's job. It's all he thinks about. When we're in bed he says 'I'm coming soon! I'm coming soon!' and he never finishes the job.'
You'd need to mention his job was a builder though, for the implied tardiness and unfinished work.

A couple visit the fertility clinic. The wife says 'The problem is my husband works as a builder. It's all he thinks about. When we're in bed he says 'I'm coming soon! I'm coming soon!' and he never finishes the job.'
 

IamSundog

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I don’t see why the woman has to be old or unattractive. The core of the joke is poking fun at builders for never finishing the job.
How about:
Shelia told her friend about an anonymous sexual encounter she had with a builder the previous night at a swinger’s club. “No conversation at all! We just eyed each other and went at it!”
“Well if there was no conversation how do you know he was a builder?” her friend asked.
etc etc
 

escargot

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You'd need to mention his job was a builder though, for the implied tardiness and unfinished work.

A couple visit the fertility clinic. The wife says 'The problem is my husband works as a builder. It's all he thinks about. When we're in bed he says 'I'm coming soon! I'm coming soon!' and he never finishes the job.'
Good point, well put!
 

escargot

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The point about the rape aspect, and the reason the victim has to be elderly, is that the rapist can't orgasm because the woman is not attractive enough. There's also a hint of boasting when the woman complains of rape because hey, she's old, but he STILL fancied her!

1974 called, it wants its joke back.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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I saw this advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
_____________

As soon as Mrs. Jones arrived at the gates of heaven, she looked for her husband who had died several years before.
"Excuse me," she said, approaching Saint Peter, "but I'm looking for my husband. I wonder if you can help me."
"What is his name?" Peter asked.
"Harry ... Harry Jones," she replied.
Peter stroked his chin, then said, "There are many souls here who have that name. What else can you tell me about him?"
Blurting out the first thing that came to her mind, she said, "Well, the last thing he said before he died was that if I were ever unfaithful to him, he would turn in his grave."
"Ah!" Peter replied, "you're looking for Spinning Harry!"
_____________

After a vicar died and went to heaven, he noticed a minicab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
God explained to him, "Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you read a sermon?"
"Well," the vicar had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."
_____________

I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.
_____________

My uncle died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
 
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