Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 48 51.1%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 14 14.9%
  • No

    Votes: 11 11.7%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 21 22.3%

  • Total voters
    94

genex17

Ephemeral Spectre
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Someone asked me if I was going to see a movie.
"No, I answered, whatever gave you that idea?"

"You're picking your seat." (scratching your arse)
 
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Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you like......he ain't coming
 

kamalktk

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Before the school talent show began, the principal walked onto the stage and said, "Before we begin, I want to make sure this mic is working. If your name is Michael, please stand up."

A couple of people stood up.

"And this concludes the Mike check," said the principal.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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I've bought one of those new viagra tents for my camping holiday.
They used to be hard to get up but now they're self-erecting.
 

genex17

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How you gonna get to the shore?

Funny you should ask, I got a car now

Oh wow, how'd you get it?

My parents drove it up from the Bahamas.

You're kidding!

I must be, the Bahamas are islands.
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
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The Mrs sussed out how to set verbal reminders on ALEXA a while back so everyday, I'll be minding my own business when ALEXA will suddenly announce something at an affixed time like "Swifty .. you are a cock womble .. Swifty .. you are a cock womble." This morning, I am 'like a gay mist' apparently. :)

(cheeky cow)
 
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Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die.
Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down.
There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."
___________________

A 84 year old Rabbi goes into a catholic church one Monday, and goes into a confessional box. Once in there he tells Father O'Flynn "Oh Father O'Flynn, I have had a weekend of unbridled passion with an 18 year old model. We did it in the bedroom, we did it in the kitchen, we did it on the coffee table in the lounge, we did it in the garden....we were up all night doing it!"
Father O'Flynn leant up against the window and said "Rabbi Goldstein, you do realise this is a catholic church confessional box don't you? Why are you in here telling me all this?"
"Hey...." replied the Rabbi, "I'm telling EVERYONE!!!"
___________________

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat.
He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please".
The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"
___________________

Once there was a barman who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet £10,000 that no one could squeeze any more out of a lemon he has squeezed
People came in from all over the country, body builders, weight lifters, wrestlers, or anyone that wanted to try.
But no one could squeeze any more juice out of the lemons.
Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon.
So the barman squeezes a lemon into a cup and hands him what is left over.
Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed!
"What do you do for a living?" they would ask, "Are you a weight lifter, a body builder?"
"No", he replied. "I work for HMRC."
 

Coypu

Um 121 The element of confusion.....298.17
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Harry Flopper.Harry-Potter.jpg
 

Coypu

Um 121 The element of confusion.....298.17
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Making a warranty claim on that one is going to be tricky.:D
 
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