Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 48 51.1%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 14 14.9%
  • No

    Votes: 11 11.7%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 21 22.3%

  • Total voters
    94

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
__________

It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather in the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big envelope full of cash.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a season ticket for his favourite football team.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant full English breakfast, eggs, bacon, sausage, beans, black pudding and fried bread, freshly squeezed orange juice, and poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you, and he told me "Fuck him, give him a fiver."
Then the lady said, "But the breakfast was my idea."
 

Krepostnoi

Almost uniquely humourless
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Woke up with this fully-formed* in my mind**.

In the light of social distancing concerns and also increasingly flexitarian lifestyles, Scroggins', my local abattoir, has just announced a change of direction. It's now offering healthy vegetarian meals delivered direct to your door. The trial menu features shredded cabbage in a tangy sauce. Big changes: formerly Scroggins' Abattoir. Now: Scroggins' Slaw To House.

*Well, I say fully-formed...
**Well, I say mind...
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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I saw Michael J Fox in the garden centre .... he had his back to the fuschias
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Who knows about 'The Giraffe Game'?
I reckon that nobody does.
Probably sticking my neck out there though.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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This isn't a joke but it's about jokes.
I've discovered that jokes are a bit like recipes and food.
You can have all the ingredients, and the instructions, and it can be very easy to create a joke.
Sometimes you can just give someone the ingredients, and they can work out the rest themselves.
Sometimes though, the joke can be hard to digest, even properly made, with all the right ingredients.
It really depends on the consumer.
Jokes can be 'in poor taste'.
But 'One mans meat is another mans poison'.
I've had long rambling jokes that I've managed to 'boil down' to the key funny bits before.
They talk about a 'comedy roast' of someone.
Some comedy can be 'hard to swallow'.
Some jokes are 'sick' jokes.
The audience can be 'hungry for more'.

I think what I'm saying is.......I could do with a bit of cheese on toast actually.
 

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
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'Idiot Sightings'.

This came up on my Facebook feed. It's supposed to British, specifically Hertfordshire/SE but it sounds American to me.
'Clerk' and 'Highways Department' for example aren't British idioms. The 'deer crossing' story is an old American chestnut. Some of the place names have been badly edited in, leaving gaps.

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!

IDIOT SIGHTING No2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Garador repair since.
Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

IDIOT SIGHTING No3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'
Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans ,
Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)

IDIOT SIGHTING No7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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All definitely repurposed by someone with a grudge against us Hertfordshirians.
The traffic light on the corner buzzes
I've never known a traffic light to buzz. I've only ever encountered ones that go beep beep beep beep beep

And do KFC sell tacos here?
I've never known a MaccyD to have a checkout. They have a service counter where you pay beforehand, a window for drive-through and some have touchscreen order points.
In the UK electric motors on things are referred to by their wattage, not HP.
I drive in and around Potters Bar regularly. I've never seen a 'deer crossing' sign, and it's not particularly a deer area anyway. Just up the road at Hatfield where the ancient woods and royal hunting parks are IS quite well populated with deer, but still no signs on the roads.
I think the only place locally where I can recall seeing a 'deer' sign (actually just a picture of a deer on a sign) is up at Berkhamsted where the road passes through a forested area.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
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If I've got £10 in my right hand and £10 in my left hand, how much money have i got?





£30!
(There's also a tenner in my pocket)
 

michael59

Abominable Snowman
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This isn't a joke but it's about jokes.
I've discovered that jokes are a bit like recipes and food.
You can have all the ingredients, and the instructions, and it can be very easy to create a joke.
Sometimes you can just give someone the ingredients, and they can work out the rest themselves.
Sometimes though, the joke can be hard to digest, even properly made, with all the right ingredients.
It really depends on the consumer.
Jokes can be 'in poor taste'.
But 'One mans meat is another mans poison'.
I've had long rambling jokes that I've managed to 'boil down' to the key funny bits before.
They talk about a 'comedy roast' of someone.
Some comedy can be 'hard to swallow'.
Some jokes are 'sick' jokes.
The audience can be 'hungry for more'.

I think what I'm saying is.......I could do with a bit of cheese on toast actually.
I love cheese on toast. :D
 

Coypu

Um 121 The element of confusion.....298.17
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All definitely repurposed by someone with a grudge against us Hertfordshirians.

I've never known a traffic light to buzz. I've only ever encountered ones that go beep beep beep beep beep

And do KFC sell tacos here?
I've never known a MaccyD to have a checkout. They have a service counter where you pay beforehand, a window for drive-through and some have touchscreen order points.
In the UK electric motors on things are referred to by their wattage, not HP.
I drive in and around Potters Bar regularly. I've never seen a 'deer crossing' sign, and it's not particularly a deer area anyway. Just up the road at Hatfield where the ancient woods and royal hunting parks are IS quite well populated with deer, but still no signs on the roads.
I think the only place locally where I can recall seeing a 'deer' sign (actually just a picture of a deer on a sign) is up at Berkhamsted where the road passes through a forested area.

Pedestrian crossings in Germany vibrate when it's safe to cross, old ladies are frequently seen leaning on them..:thought:
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
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