Humour & Jokes

[JamesWhitehead]

A perfectly innocent story about a small furry animal...

There is a whole genre of these not-so-innocent tales on Youtube.

A Scots lady does them in bulk.

When she tires of smut, she does Fortean stuff, such as UFOs and Sawney Bean!

 

[Trevp666]

I assume you didn't just break in?

You assume correctly.
My dad worked in the film industry, based at Elstree but quite regularly over to Pinewood and out on location.
The various film studios were like a playground to me as I was frequently with dad during school holidays and at weekends, and then once I had finished school I also worked there until the whole of the British film industry went into decline and fell apart in the early 80s.

 

[Trevp666]

 

[Ogdred Weary]

http://imgur.com/a/tVSLeTO

 

[Bigphoot2]

http://imgur.com/a/tVSLeTO

"Twirling Fartknocker" has just become my go-to insult for this week.

 

[WeeScottishLassie]

View attachment 33792

Brilliant

 

[kamalktk]

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up. However, in doing so, he lets you down. Thus creating the Astley paradox.

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[brownmane]

http://imgur.com/a/tVSLeTO

Safety 101 turn it off before cleaning.

 

[genex17]

Highway Patrolman pulls a car over. He asks for the driver's license, looks at the photo then at the driver.
"Your photo shows you are wearing glasses, so where are they?"
"I have contacts."
"Listen Mister, I don't care who you know!!"

 

[Ermintruder]

Safety 101 turn it off before cleaning.

Exactly, that's just twisted......

And in other news: don't forget to drop by, and spin that bottle with the internet's answer to the Magic 8-Ball, the good-old theraputic AI InspiroBot

 

[Lord Lucan]

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[uair01]

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[WeeScottishLassie]

 

[WeeScottishLassie]

 

[WeeScottishLassie]

 

[michael59]

 

[kamalktk]

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he usually laughs.

 

[Ogdred Weary]

 

[Bigphoot2]

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
A hungover Bob replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since Sunday afternoon. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some drinks and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up five times."

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Trevp666]

Qu'est-ce que c'est?

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Yithian]

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1350080297245749251

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[TangletwigsDeux]

 

[Trevp666]

(turned into a toffee crisp)

She had a head start - already looked like a chewed toffee!

I particularly like the last line in the article though;
"A source at Toffee Crisp makers Nestle said: "We've not got time for bollocks like this."