Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 53 51.0%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 14 13.5%
  • No

    Votes: 12 11.5%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 25 24.0%

  • Total voters
    104

uair01

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Apr 12, 2005
Messages
2,990
Reaction score
3,399
Points
184
Location
Rotterdam
"The rest of her brain is devoted to playing elevator music."

Beautiful sentence from a Twitter discussion about cats. Also applicable to non cats and both genders
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
May 29, 2009
Messages
3,286
Reaction score
8,179
Points
219
Location
Welwyn Garden City (but oddly, not an actual city)
(I apologise in advance for any old jokes)

A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.
He stopped one of the runners and asked, "What’s happening?"
The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the zoo."
"Oh my, which way is it heading?"
"Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?"
___________

Teacher: "Little Johnny can you say a sentence using a dirty word?
Little Johnny: "Yesterday I was late for school so I had to run to get there on time."
Teacher: "You didn't use any dirty words in your sentence."
Little Johnny: "Yes I know, but when I was running I shit my pants!"
___________

Alcohol doesn't make me fat, it makes me lean.
Lean against walls, lean against tables, lean against chairs.....
___________

What d'ya call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
___________

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "Hey.....I’m telling everybody!"
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
30,174
Reaction score
44,229
Points
284
.. which is a contemporary spin on 'the before times' ..

asupermarket01.jpg


(In the interest of equality, I haven't been able to find a meme yet of those old blokes who stop then stand underneath the hot air fan preventing everyone else from being able to comfortably walk into a store.)
 

JamesWhitehead

Piffle Prospector
Joined
Aug 2, 2001
Messages
13,497
Reaction score
12,581
Points
309
That's the merciful version. If they wanted to be a bit nasty, victims were suspended from their feet and the saw began at the body's natural junction! They could not faint!

Yet they did swing all over the place, making it hard work for the executioners. There was a solution: sandwich the victim between two boards.

That must have interfered with the view, somewhat. I suppose, we could use PVC sheets . . .

It's stern - I admit - but, for talking in the supermarket, bring it on! . . . :evil:
 

MercuryCrest

The Severed Head of a Great Old One.
Joined
Mar 24, 2003
Messages
1,495
Reaction score
1,103
Points
184
I think i'll just have the soup actually.....
View attachment 35429
A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger. In the back he sees the cook shaping the burger with his armpits.

Disgusted, the man screams at the lady that took his order, "How can you let someone make a hamburger like that?!"

The woman shrugs and says, "You should see how he makes the donuts." :D
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
May 29, 2009
Messages
3,286
Reaction score
8,179
Points
219
Location
Welwyn Garden City (but oddly, not an actual city)
(Again, apologies if I have managed to include old jokes.)

What's red but invisible?
No tomatoes.
___________

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
___________

A lady went into the pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist said "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! Absolutely not! I can't give you any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her pocket and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
___________

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
___________

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mum."
 

Souleater

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Jan 10, 2021
Messages
1,795
Reaction score
2,716
Points
153
Hennig Wehn joke:

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."

His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory
 
Top