I see my local Boots The Chemist has a special offer of 3 for the price of 2 on all hearing aids.
I don't know anyone with 3 ears though.
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and off they went for their honeymoon. In the hotel suite, when Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and came home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours."
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.' "
"My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity:
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner.
"You'll never hit her from here."
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."
Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
I took her to a petrol station...