Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 54 50.9%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 15 14.2%
  • No

    Votes: 12 11.3%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 25 23.6%

  • Total voters
    106

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
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That really happens.
It does .. a good life hack is to put a paper clip somewhere at the top of your CV .. pretend it's only to attach an un asked for photo of yourself or a photocopy of something .. the real purpose is it creates a bulge .. only head office types use paper clips so the person will notice it and look at it in case it's a head office letter or something .. foot in the door trick. I always do this.
 

Mythopoeika

I am a meat popsicle
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It does .. a good life hack is to put a paper clip somewhere at the top of your CV .. pretend it's only to attach an un asked for photo of yourself or a photocopy of something .. the real purpose is it creates a bulge .. only head office types use paper clips so the person will notice it and look at it in case it's a head office letter or something .. foot in the door trick. I always do this.
Wouldn't work for me. I mostly use agencies or apply electronically.
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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Some Chic Murray one-liners.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.

If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
 

Lord Lucan

Justified & Ancient
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Just found on Reddit. An oldie but a goodie that made me chuckle!

I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today.
So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"
Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"
She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How could you possibly think they were twins?"
I replied, "Well, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice."
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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(a return visit to the old jokes home)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
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