Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 57 50.4%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 16 14.2%
  • No

    Votes: 12 10.6%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 28 24.8%

  • Total voters
    113

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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(another visit to the old jokes home)

A man runs over a cat.
The cat’s address is on its collar so the man goes to apologise to the owner.
He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers.
The man says, ‘I’m so sorry.
I’ve just run over your cat.
Can I replace it?’
‘I don’t know,’ replies the old lady.
‘How are you at catching mice?’
____________

"Doctor I feel like biscuits!"
"Do you mean those little square ones?"
"Yes!"
"The ones you have with cheese?"
"Yes!"
"Well, that means you’re crackers!"
____________

Teaching an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors:
"I ain't had no fun in months"
"Now, how should I correct this sentence."
"Get a new boyfriend," said Little Johnny.
____________

A lady puts an ad in the paper that reads: "Recently single and looking for a man that will not run away, not hit me and treat me right in the bedroom."
One day her door bell rings and there is a man with no arms and no legs at the door.
He says: "I am here to answer your ad in the paper. I have no arms so I will not hit you and no legs so I cannot run away."
She says: "What about the good in bed part?"
He says: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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164436996_2159579787511855_5681323168898673655_n.jpg
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
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(sorry if you've heard it before)

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no.
We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied,
“Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
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Messages
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I was going to put this into the 'Census 2021' thread, but I think it fits better here.

Census to be redone after leaving out question on what you call a bread roll.
“....Perhaps the compilers were anxious to avoid another violent uprising over the order in which the options were listed, as happened in the muffin riots of 2011...."

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news...-on-what-you-call-a-bread-roll-20210324206465
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
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Location
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(Viz Top Tips)

SKATEBOARDERS. Next time you come to a set of steps with a handrail in the middle, pick up your skateboard in one hand, grasp the handrail with the other and carefully walk down the steps. This way it won't be quite as painful on your bollocks
___________

BUY onions instead of apples. They are just as crunchy and always much cheaper.
___________

ASTHMATICS. Avoid going on holiday to places where the scenery is described as 'breathtaking'.
___________

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity try sending a £50 note to yourself, inside a birthday card, by Royal Mail.
 
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