Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 55 50.0%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 16 14.5%
  • No

    Votes: 12 10.9%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 27 24.5%

  • Total voters
    110

WeeScottishLassie

Justified & Ancient
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
1,842
Reaction score
8,140
Points
209
1616357244411.png
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
May 29, 2009
Messages
5,614
Reaction score
15,290
Points
299
Location
Welwyn Garden City (but oddly, not an actual city)
The best time on my analogue clock is 5:35.
Hands down.
_________________

Foods that could be American TV news
correspondents if you delivered their name with
enough conviction:
Basil Pesto
Rosemary Mash
Peach Cobbler
Olive Chutney
Saffron Rice
Ginger Flapjacks
Kale Tabbouleh
Kobe Beef
Honey Parsnips
 

Cochise

Priest of the cult of the Dog with the Broken Paw
Joined
Jun 17, 2011
Messages
7,191
Reaction score
10,797
Points
299
Copied from elsewhere: (context - Falklands War)

"On Ascension Island in 1982, a call was received for 12 knives. Irritably, an overworked logistics officer demanded to know why a small order for an everyday item deserved his “immediate” attention.

The Special Boat Squadron, sailing south that night, amended its request: “Reference knives. These are knives, stabbing, not knives, eating.” The request was met with alacrity."
 

uair01

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Apr 12, 2005
Messages
3,497
Reaction score
5,165
Points
239
Location
Rotterdam
I looked up some German humour. These were the best ones, sorry for that ...

50561389_6.png
What an exciting fragrance. - Smells like new cars.
Rffbdf50794456f2b6f14aaa5a532062e.jpg
One ball, poo flavoured please. - Oh, no, not him again ...
94cda7eb42e01b84d1410403339f0013--funny-cartoons-spas.jpg
Oh Lord! Your husband!
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
31,524
Reaction score
49,553
Points
289
When Chuck Norris wants breakfast, chickens lay omelettes.
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
31,524
Reaction score
49,553
Points
289
Copied from elsewhere: (context - Falklands War)

"On Ascension Island in 1982, a call was received for 12 knives. Irritably, an overworked logistics officer demanded to know why a small order for an everyday item deserved his “immediate” attention.

The Special Boat Squadron, sailing south that night, amended its request: “Reference knives. These are knives, stabbing, not knives, eating.” The request was met with alacrity."
Humans don't get much harder than the SBS.
 

Nosmo King

I'm not a cat
Joined
Jan 10, 2021
Messages
6,518
Reaction score
11,943
Points
283

pandacracker

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Jan 16, 2004
Messages
1,311
Reaction score
3,153
Points
189
A joke from my German friend.

A 60 year old couple are walking in the woods when they happen upon a kindly fairy.

"I will give you one wish each" says the fairy

"I would like a diamond necklace says the wife" so the fairy waves its wand and... poof... the wife has a beautiful diamond necklace around her neck.

"Your turn" says the fairy to the husband and without hesitation he says "I would like my wife to be thirty years younger"

The fairy waves its wand and.. poof... the man becomes 90.
 

genex17

Ephemeral Spectre
Joined
Aug 26, 2010
Messages
363
Reaction score
830
Points
114
A former Navy Seal was on a movie set with his girlfriend when the producer said, "She's cute. What would you say if I took her out on a date?"
Fingering his standard issue knife, former NS smiled, "You have to sleep sometime."
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
May 29, 2009
Messages
5,614
Reaction score
15,290
Points
299
Location
Welwyn Garden City (but oddly, not an actual city)

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
Joined
Jul 30, 2005
Messages
10,045
Reaction score
37,134
Points
314

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
May 29, 2009
Messages
5,614
Reaction score
15,290
Points
299
Location
Welwyn Garden City (but oddly, not an actual city)
(another visit to the old jokes home)

A man runs over a cat.
The cat’s address is on its collar so the man goes to apologise to the owner.
He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers.
The man says, ‘I’m so sorry.
I’ve just run over your cat.
Can I replace it?’
‘I don’t know,’ replies the old lady.
‘How are you at catching mice?’
____________

"Doctor I feel like biscuits!"
"Do you mean those little square ones?"
"Yes!"
"The ones you have with cheese?"
"Yes!"
"Well, that means you’re crackers!"
____________

Teaching an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors:
"I ain't had no fun in months"
"Now, how should I correct this sentence."
"Get a new boyfriend," said Little Johnny.
____________

A lady puts an ad in the paper that reads: "Recently single and looking for a man that will not run away, not hit me and treat me right in the bedroom."
One day her door bell rings and there is a man with no arms and no legs at the door.
He says: "I am here to answer your ad in the paper. I have no arms so I will not hit you and no legs so I cannot run away."
She says: "What about the good in bed part?"
He says: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
 
Top