Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 56 50.5%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 16 14.4%
  • No

    Votes: 12 10.8%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 27 24.3%

  • Total voters
    111

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
31,901
Reaction score
51,067
Points
289
(more Viz Top Tips)

REDUCE wear and tear on your work clothes by 20% by simply staying in bed on Mondays and not going to work.
__________

CAR tyres painted white and wrapped together in dozens with a green tarpaulin sheet make ideal packets of Polo for short sighted giants.
__________

ALWAYS keep tubes of haemorrhoid ointment and Deep Heat rub well separated in your bathroom cabinet.
__________

STOP bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
__________

DISCOURAGE burglars by wearing a policeman's uniform and standing outside your house day and night.
My favourite ever all time Viz top tip:

Convince your neighbours you aren't home by switching all of your lights off and scurrying about on all fours.
 

CarlosTheDJ

Antediluvian
Joined
Feb 1, 2007
Messages
6,899
Reaction score
9,027
Points
299
Location
Pebble Mill
9897357d6c4efe20853da1bcbca0d4de6cf8bfa8.jpeg
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
31,901
Reaction score
51,067
Points
289
I once killed a man just to see the look on his face, but i got distracted and missed it.

(Cant remember who told this joke but it made me laugh, but my sense of humour is pretty f*cked up)
A Johnny Cash reference ? .. "But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die." .. maybe?
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
31,901
Reaction score
51,067
Points
289
That should be a dumping offence if a man wears that!!
That would absolutely pong after about an hour .. it's not that hard to tuck a shirt in? (although I'm lucky in that I live and work in loose over the trousers T Shirts at the moment)
 

Nosmo King

I'm not a cat
Joined
Jan 10, 2021
Messages
7,483
Reaction score
14,233
Points
283
A Johnny Cash reference ? .. "But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die." .. maybe?
It was definately a comedian but i cant for the life of me remember who, i googled it but no joy
 

Nosmo King

I'm not a cat
Joined
Jan 10, 2021
Messages
7,483
Reaction score
14,233
Points
283
A Johnny Cash reference ? .. "But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die." .. maybe?
Think it was either Frankie Boyle or Jimmy Carr, so probably Frankie Boyle considering he writes all of Jimmy Carrs gags :)
 

EnolaGaia

I knew the job was dangerous when I took it ...
Staff member
Joined
Jul 19, 2004
Messages
24,837
Reaction score
38,038
Points
314
Location
Out of Bounds
I once killed a man just to see the look on his face, but i got distracted and missed it.
(Cant remember who told this joke but it made me laugh, but my sense of humour is pretty f*cked up)

The Kids in the Hall (TV series)
Season 1
Episode 11
Sketch: The Gun Fighter

Dave Foley: I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn't the same.

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Kids_in_the_Hall
 

JamesWhitehead

Piffle Prospector
Joined
Aug 2, 2001
Messages
13,872
Reaction score
13,937
Points
334
The Kids in the Hall (TV series)

Having clicked on just one of their sketches, a while back, I soon found Youtube suggesting more, as it does, reminding me of them.

In the UK, this Canadian troupe came on at an hour, when they hoped no one was watching. Which is how they got away with it.

They were amazing. It was full-on gross-out stuff at times but not without pathos - witness the Chicken Lady!

So, you're a Chicken-Lady! :oops:
 
Last edited:

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
May 29, 2009
Messages
6,142
Reaction score
17,101
Points
299
Location
Welwyn Garden City (but oddly, not an actual city)
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
31,901
Reaction score
51,067
Points
289
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
The world would do so much better if I could just buy a pint of milk without waiting behind retired people who use my local shop as a bookies with their scratch card requests .. if only we could create a new 'indifference to other people just trying to get to work' tax .....
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
May 29, 2009
Messages
6,142
Reaction score
17,101
Points
299
Location
Welwyn Garden City (but oddly, not an actual city)
Those retired people probably moan that there are too many people buying pints of milk, lol.
 
Last edited:

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
May 29, 2009
Messages
6,142
Reaction score
17,101
Points
299
Location
Welwyn Garden City (but oddly, not an actual city)
Another batch of 'Viz Top Tips'.

DRIVERS - Overcome boredom on long motorway journeys by closing your eyes for as long as you dare. Then dare yourself to close them for longer.

SILENCE your windy bottom by pulling apart your buttocks before you pump. Hey Presto! No embarrassing 'fart noise'. (P Fletcher, Wrexham)

HGV DRIVERS - When driving up hills on motorways, the 'Crawler Lane' marked on the far left of the carriageway is the best lane to be in. Not three abreast going at 43mph.

MAKERS of disposable razors - Save money by putting the blade that shaves the closest at the front and dispensing with the others.

AVOID soiling your trousers by not pulling apart your buttocks when you think you are about to fart. (P Fletcher, Wrexham)

DON'T pay for expensive 'jigsaws'. Simply buy a bag of frozen chips then try to piece them back together as whole potatoes.

BEE keepers. Keep your hives in strawberry fields to get jam instead of honey.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
May 29, 2009
Messages
6,142
Reaction score
17,101
Points
299
Location
Welwyn Garden City (but oddly, not an actual city)
So this guy is totally naked but wrapped in cling-film and he goes to see his psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts".
 
Top