Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 55 50.0%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 16 14.5%
  • No

    Votes: 12 10.9%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 27 24.5%

  • Total voters
    110

WeeScottishLassie

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3-1.jpg
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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(more Viz Top Tips)

REDUCE wear and tear on your work clothes by 20% by simply staying in bed on Mondays and not going to work.
__________

CAR tyres painted white and wrapped together in dozens with a green tarpaulin sheet make ideal packets of Polo for short sighted giants.
__________

ALWAYS keep tubes of haemorrhoid ointment and Deep Heat rub well separated in your bathroom cabinet.
__________

STOP bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
__________

DISCOURAGE burglars by wearing a policeman's uniform and standing outside your house day and night.
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
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(more Viz Top Tips)

REDUCE wear and tear on your work clothes by 20% by simply staying in bed on Mondays and not going to work.
__________

CAR tyres painted white and wrapped together in dozens with a green tarpaulin sheet make ideal packets of Polo for short sighted giants.
__________

ALWAYS keep tubes of haemorrhoid ointment and Deep Heat rub well separated in your bathroom cabinet.
__________

STOP bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
__________

DISCOURAGE burglars by wearing a policeman's uniform and standing outside your house day and night.
My favourite ever all time Viz top tip:

Convince your neighbours you aren't home by switching all of your lights off and scurrying about on all fours.
 

Swifty

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I once killed a man just to see the look on his face, but i got distracted and missed it.

(Cant remember who told this joke but it made me laugh, but my sense of humour is pretty f*cked up)
A Johnny Cash reference ? .. "But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die." .. maybe?
 

Swifty

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That should be a dumping offence if a man wears that!!
That would absolutely pong after about an hour .. it's not that hard to tuck a shirt in? (although I'm lucky in that I live and work in loose over the trousers T Shirts at the moment)
 

Nosmo King

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A Johnny Cash reference ? .. "But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die." .. maybe?
It was definately a comedian but i cant for the life of me remember who, i googled it but no joy
 

Nosmo King

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A Johnny Cash reference ? .. "But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die." .. maybe?
Think it was either Frankie Boyle or Jimmy Carr, so probably Frankie Boyle considering he writes all of Jimmy Carrs gags :)
 

EnolaGaia

I knew the job was dangerous when I took it ...
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I once killed a man just to see the look on his face, but i got distracted and missed it.
(Cant remember who told this joke but it made me laugh, but my sense of humour is pretty f*cked up)

The Kids in the Hall (TV series)
Season 1
Episode 11
Sketch: The Gun Fighter

Dave Foley: I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn't the same.

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Kids_in_the_Hall
 

JamesWhitehead

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The Kids in the Hall (TV series)

Having clicked on just one of their sketches, a while back, I soon found Youtube suggesting more, as it does, reminding me of them.

In the UK, this Canadian troupe came on at an hour, when they hoped no one was watching. Which is how they got away with it.

They were amazing. It was full-on gross-out stuff at times but not without pathos - witness the Chicken Lady!

So, you're a Chicken-Lady! :oops:
 
Last edited:

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
 
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