(old jokes)
The doctor is stood next to the bedside of a very sick patient and says, “I cannot hide the fact that your are a very ill man. So ill, that in my opinion, you are unlikely to make it through the week. Is there anyone you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly, “A different doctor”.
_________
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
_________
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.
He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”
_________
(Viz Top Tips)
IF YOU WANT your mother-in-law never to come back to your house, buy her a razor for Christmas.
KEEP your wife on her toes. Nail the housekeeping money to the ceiling.
AVOID bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
MAKE rowing a boat easier by drilling a few large holes through the oars.
