Humour & Jokes

[Swifty]

Always remember everyone ..

 

[Bigphoot2]

Always remember everyone ..

View attachment 37392

How did you know about me?!!

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[kamalktk]

View attachment 37228

Lion viagra.

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Souleater]

View attachment 37395

I broke my little toe walking out of the lounge of an old shared house in which i was living, after catching it on the stupid valancy thing they put around the bottom of old sofas, it made an audiable snap that the other 3 people in the room heard over the sound of the tv

 

[Bigphoot2]

I broke my little toe walking out of the lounge of an old shared house in which i was living, after catching it on tje syupid valancy thing they put around the bottom of old sofas, it made an audiable snap that the other 3 people in the room heard over the sound of the tv

OW!

 

[escargot]

View attachment 37395

One word: Crocs.

 

[WeeScottishLassie]

 

[WeeScottishLassie]

 

[Swifty]

Another reason why the 70's was a better time .. we worried about standing on Lego bricks instead! .. but there was more creepy teachers about so I might have to re think this post ..

 

[sherbetbizarre]

 

[Ascalon]

There's an awful lot going on here...

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1376587291943125006

 

[Trevp666]

The last time I had a vaccination for something, some years ago, my man-sausage swelled up and got really painful.
So I went back to the doctors and he asked "What do you want me to do for you?"
And I said "Can you give me something to get rid of the pain, but leave the swelling?".

 

[Souleater]

There's an awful lot going on here...

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1376587291943125006

Female bunnies dont lay eggs either!

Did christ lay eggs?

 

[Trevp666]

(old jokes)

The doctor is stood next to the bedside of a very sick patient and says, “I cannot hide the fact that your are a very ill man. So ill, that in my opinion, you are unlikely to make it through the week. Is there anyone you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly, “A different doctor”.
_________

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
_________

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.
He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”
_________

(Viz Top Tips)
IF YOU WANT your mother-in-law never to come back to your house, buy her a razor for Christmas.
KEEP your wife on her toes. Nail the housekeeping money to the ceiling.
AVOID bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
MAKE rowing a boat easier by drilling a few large holes through the oars.

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[CarlosTheDJ]

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[ChrisBoardman]

Don't bother with those Ancestry DNA kits, just announce that you've won the lottery, you'll soon find out who you're related to.

 

[ChrisBoardman]

One of my favourite childhood memories was playing football on the shore at Beachy Head...... jumpers for goalposts.

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[sherbetbizarre]

 

[Swifty]

 

[Swifty]

 

[Bigphoot2]

 

[WeeScottishLassie]

 

[WeeScottishLassie]

 

[WeeScottishLassie]