A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have four minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
The doctor burst into uncontrollable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" said Bob.
What's yellow but you can't see it?
Sometimes I crouch down then lean forwards.
That's how I roll.
Sometimes I fill a bap with ham and pineapple.
That's Hawaii Roll.
I've got a belt made out of watches.
It's a waist of time.
(these might be repeats - I can't be bothered to check back)
My friend told me to keep it secret that he doesn't know what to call his female parent.
I said "Mums the word".
Does anyone know if its possible to take a graft from your bum and put it on someone who isn't family ? Arse skin for a friend.
Recently, I've been using the Bible for support.
I've got a wobbly coffee table.
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “What's wrong, why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So what's wrong with that”?
The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money i have!
Then they call me ugly and poor.
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.
''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack.
May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog.
''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form.
''Okay, what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer.
''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer.
''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure.
Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink.
Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25-year duration.
The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. “Might as well pass the time drunk.” He said.
The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. “Might as well have her lovely company,” said he, and the loving wife agreed.
The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. “It’s the only thing that will calm me down all these years.”
They are locked inside, each with his wish.
25 years pass…
It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men.
They open the first prisoner’s door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He himself in a corner wasted and hardly alive.
Then they open the second prisoner’s door, and a whole family steps out – babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell.
Then they open the third prisoner’s door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand.
“Does anyone,” he asks with a broken voice, “have a light?”