An alcoholic walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, stupid, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
I was in the supermarket and I saw a bloke who had bought 3 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros......
I thought to myself..... "Hispanic buying"
A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon.
"My great grandfather, at age 24," one declared proudly, "was a sergeant during the Siege of Sevastopol in the Crimean War!"
"Mine, when in his 20s" boasts another, "fought the Chinese during the Opium Wars of the 1850s!"
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What did he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be getting on for 200 years old."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"