Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 54 50.5%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 15 14.0%
  • No

    Votes: 12 11.2%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 26 24.3%

  • Total voters
    107

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Today I found out why humans can't hear a dog whistle.
It's because dogs can't whistle.
__________

I went to a bookshop and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads'.
__________

Red sky at night, shepherds delight. Blue sky at night, day.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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I must say, I have always like the weather being done by Presenter Name.
A thoroughly good chap.
1618305560494.png
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Gary Delaney.
"I've started stealing bones from the Natural History Museum and giving them a proper burial.
It's a mammoth undertaking."
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Stoppit and Tidyup were one of my favourite cartoons (and I think it is because although it was for children it was quite clearly aimed at adults).
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
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Talking to one of my customers yesterday and we're all 2 metres apart so can't always hear each other properly through the face masks so I had to ask him to repeat himself with "Sorry .. it's these blummin face masks innit? .. none of us can hear each other .. but on the plus side, we can all pull faces and swear at each other and get away with it!" .. he said "Yeah .. let's try it!" .. so we did :) .. I told him "I'm going to miss covid" ...
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Bob Monkhouse;
"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."
"When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?"
Yesterday they held the Most Honest Politican Of The Year contest...and nobody won.
I don't smoke, drink, gamble or chase after women. This year I'm celebrating my 40th birthday. God knows how.
_________

A female weight lifter goes to the doctor and tells him, "I've been using steroids for so long, I've grown a penis".
"Anabolic ?" asks the doctor,
"No just a penis", she replied.
_________

I slept like a log last night........ I woke up in the fireplace.
_________

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on this he reckoned he could easily stop anytime.
_________

"If you had five pounds," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another five pounds, how much money would you have?"
"Five pounds." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic maths." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
_________

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Essex.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual "Dumb Blonde Essex girl" jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid "Dumb Blonde Essex girl" jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair, or where she comes from, have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to the little guy on your knee!"
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Gary Larson - Farside

farside condiment party.png
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Gary Delaney.

"Well, stone the crows! I'm in trouble with the RSPB again!"
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Another visit to the old jokes home.

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
________

Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of University, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of £250,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of £300,000 per annum, 8 weeks paid holiday, free gym membership, full private medical and dental cover, a full retirement fund at 50% of salary, a new company car every year, say, a red Ferrari, and free access to the company villa in Nice?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
________

Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
________

A lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
 
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