An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert.
"It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road.
One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed.
His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all, we were married 40 years."
Bernie Ecclestone on the takeover of F1 by Liberty Media Group;
"I've been upgraded from chief executive to a much higher position. It's so high, I can't even see what's going on."
(on turning 70) "I still chase women, but only downhill"
(on turning 80) "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing"
(on turning 90) "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake"
(on turning 100!) "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap"
(on giving up his early career of boxing) "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."
(on his familys early poverty) "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother"
(on his early failures) "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me."
A heart surgeon goes to pick up his BMW from the mechanic.
The mechanic motions him over and and says,
"Doctor, we basically do the same work.
I replace the valves in this engine and it runs like new.
You replace valves in the heart and the heart is good as new.
So why do I make £35,000 annually and you make £350,000?"
The doctor pauses for a second and asks, "Have you ever tried replacing the valves with the engine running?"