A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
A wife to her husband:
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm reading our marriage certificate."
"I'm looking for the expiry date..."
Coworker: Can you help me with this project?
Me: The short answer is no.
Coworker: What's the long answer?
A man walks into work with two black eyes.
His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
"It really does surprise me sometimes how thick people are.
During an episode of 'Pointless Celebrities'.
"Name a country beginning with A."
I mean....... FFS."
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
A man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem."
The boss says "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
The man says "Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity."
"I tried to keep it a secret that we had a cat in my bakery.
But there was a paw in my flan"
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.
As they were approaching the town of Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee serving them.
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."