Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 54 50.5%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 15 14.0%
  • No

    Votes: 12 11.2%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 26 24.3%

  • Total voters
    107

WeeScottishLassie

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Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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(apologies if repost)

Don't come near me with a Pritt Stick.
I'm gluepen intolerant.
___________

A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be 20p."
"20p?" exclaims the man...."Ok"
Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be 50p."
"50p?...You're joking? Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
___________

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.
A little girl says, "The Harry Potter Studio Tour is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No, I said, fascinate."
Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination with the world of animals."
The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mum has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her blouse."
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Q: What is fast and crunchy?
A: A rocket chip.
_________

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary old beer barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." replies the Captain
"Why not Thursday?" asks the recruit.
"That's your day in the barrel."
_________

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put £50 on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend.
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."
"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me £20 change!"
_________

Don't stand around doing nothing.
People will think you're the boss.
_________

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
 

Lord Lucan

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A traveling salesman rings the doorbell of a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar...
renderTimingPixel.png

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but proceeds forward and asks, "Are your parents home?"

The child replies, "What the fuck do you think?"
 

uair01

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Probably old but I liked it:

"The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country;... the Financial Times is read by people who own the country; the Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country, and the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is. And Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.
 

EnolaGaia

I knew the job was dangerous when I took it ...
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Just for the record ... This ad was a 2019 spoof distributed by a Japanese pub business.
We Need To Talk About This NSFW Raunchy Ronald McDonald Picture
Update, 10/1/19, 5:20 p.m.: The pictures in question are not actually from a McDonald's ad but are actually Yotteba ads, the Daily Mail reports. Yotteba is a Japanese chain of tapas restaurants/pubs known locally for their "offbeat" postings and marketing. The design you see does, in fact, originate with artist WizardSkull, who also has no affiliation with this chain. ...
https://www.delish.com/food-news/a29265180/mcdonalds-fries-advertisement-ronald-mcdonald-speedo/

Fact or Fiction: Sexy shirtless Ronald McDonald used in new ad?
Is a risque, shirtless version of Ronald McDonald being used in a new ad campaign?
Yes, but not by McDonald's.
The ad, which features french fries poking out of Ronald's red speedo, is being used by a chain of pubs in Japan called Yotteba.
The adult depiction of Ronald is not going over well on social media, with many people not realizing it's not an actual McDonald's ad.
https://www.10news.com/news/fact-or...sexy-shirtless-ronald-mcdonald-used-in-new-ad
 

Peripart

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Probably old but I liked it:

"The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country;... the Financial Times is read by people who own the country; the Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country, and the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is. And Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.

From Yes, Minister, I think!
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!
________

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
"Ha! That's not going to help," she said.
"Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
________

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks "What for?"
She says, "I want to kill my husband."
He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches into her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He says, "Well.....You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
 

Ascalon

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Actually overheard on a Dublin street.

Late night, walking along a south inner city street behind two hard chaws who were on their way home from a boozer.

One was berating the other for his unwillingness to dive into a melee that had broken out in the local hostelry.

He recounted several instances in their recent history where his companion had shown similar reluctance to enter the fray.

Turning to his companion, the speaker withdraws his hand from his chip bag to poke his now sheepish companion in the chest and state:
"Y' know what your problem is? You're fistophobic!"

In a similar setting, two similarly set chaps are walking past a legendary chipper. It has an entrance door that would not look out of place on the back of a mafia safe house, and a small, high window with a security grille resembling the exhaust port of a stealth fighter.

The smell of the shop's wares wafts along way down the street, leading one of the pair to draw the other's attention to the establishment.

"Here, that's a great chipper. They'd batter anything!"

Unlike, the chap in the first overheard above.
 
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