Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 54 50.5%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 15 14.0%
  • No

    Votes: 12 11.2%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 26 24.3%

  • Total voters
    107

genex17

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We were all seated outside the coffee shop, when someone pulls up in a pickup truck and asks the guy closest to him, "Is your name Fred?"
He replies, "If you owe Fred money, I'm Fred."
 

sherbetbizarre

Special Branch
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facebook_1622516154371_6805325996344104646.jpg
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
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Love my converse, owned a pair (not the same pair) since i was a kid, the pair i have atm are 10yrs old and still going strong :)
I want to still be cross with my Mum but I can't because she passed away last May .. sorry to be depressing for a moment ... but anyway, I used to own a classic red pair of Chuck Taylors and then after that I bought a pink pair .. the pair she threw out ..

I was waring the pink pair when we all went to watch Rolf Harris perform (pre scandal) at Burton on Trent town hall .. at the end everyone was lining up and we older teens were the last because little kids first etc .. when it got to our turn, I realised I didn't have anything for him to sign on so I took off one of my pink cons, he looked bemused and then kindly signed it .. I wore them at Glastonbury perhaps a year later without date checking thinking nothing of it and someone went "Woh! is that Rolf Harris's signature?" .. it's probably for the best she threw those out in retrospect. I own a cheap French imitation pair now instead that aren't very comfy to walk around in so I don't wear them very often.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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I was just shopping for laces for my converse high tops
(old joke alert)
I bought a pair of trainers off the local drug dealer - I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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(re-joking - please excuse if triggered)

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie.
As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it.
The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie.
The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied.
"He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
__________

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
__________

A couple have just had sex.
The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’
The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet.
‘Well,’ he says.
‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’
__________

Here is a test.
There is only one way to pass this test.
In order to pass the test you must not think of a goat.
I know you have failed the test.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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(Apologies to our American friends for the sarcastic British Humour, but please feel free to return the favour!)

What the f**k is a rain check? Seven baffling questions Americans should answer.
"THEY talk English, but there’s something deeply wrong with Americans and they should be stopped.
Until they answer these questions:
In America, people are arrested for jaywalking all the time. It seems to be crossing a road in an unauthorised manner, so land of the f**king free right there. Is this why they drive everywhere and they’re so fat?"
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news...stions-americans-should-answer-20210607208924
 

ChasFink

Abominable Snowman
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(Apologies to our American friends for the sarcastic British Humour, but please feel free to return the favour!)

What the f**k is a rain check? Seven baffling questions Americans should answer.
"THEY talk English, but there’s something deeply wrong with Americans and they should be stopped.
Until they answer these questions:
In America, people are arrested for jaywalking all the time. It seems to be crossing a road in an unauthorised manner, so land of the f**king free right there. Is this why they drive everywhere and they’re so fat?"
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news...stions-americans-should-answer-20210607208924
Hmmm...

This article would make a good standup routine, but presented like this - even when intended as humo(u)r - it makes the writer look like someone who can't be bothered to look something up before complaining.

I do agree about the coins, though - why don't they just have numbers on them?
 

Beresford

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Hmmm...

This article would make a good standup routine, but presented like this - even when intended as humo(u)r - it makes the writer look like someone who can't be bothered to look something up before complaining.

I do agree about the coins, though - why don't they just have numbers on them?
It's a satirical website, granted some of the articles can be quite subtle.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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This article would make a good standup routine, but presented like this (etc)

Yes but I see that unintentionally you do actually 'get it' because it's written style is intended to emulate a 'stand up' style of the spoken word. 'The Daily Mash' does have quite a bit of satirical political stuff so it doesn't make it onto the FTMB all that frequently, and some of the stuff they do as 'humour' is basically just not funny. They do occasionally churn out something fairly amusing though.
Which is why I prefixed with
Apologies to our American friends
:twothumbs::)
 

MercuryCrest

The Severed Head of a Great Old One.
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Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner,
Eating a pie filled with pear.

He stuck in his thumb,
Pulled out a plumb,
And said, "What's a plum doing in there?"


Wee Willie Winkie ran through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs, in his nightgown.
Along came the policeman and put him under arrest,
So never go out at night, kids, unless you're fully dressed.


Poor Little Willie,
We'll never see Willie more;
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
 
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Mythopoeika

I am a meat popsicle
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The man who devised the M & S food ads has died.

He will be cremated tomorrow in an applewood and mesquite fire with blistered marshmallows and charred Madagascan vanilla pods.
This is not just a cremation, this is an M & S cremation.
 
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