Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 60 51.7%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 16 13.8%
  • No

    Votes: 12 10.3%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 28 24.1%

  • Total voters
    116

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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(possibly reposted....sorry)

The Communards claimed that they "Never Can Say Goodbye", however Jimmy Somerville says "Goodbye" 42 times.
And a further 17 more times in the 12" remix.
_____________

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
_____________

(Tommy Cooper)
Doctor, you've got to help me - every night for weeks now I keep having the same dream in which dozens of beautiful women keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away....pushing them away.....
So what do you want me to do about it?
I want you to break my arms!
_____________

1628067163890.png
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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So after spending several weeks of trying to stop my watering eyes and sneezing, and trying every different type of antihistamine on the market, I have finally found out what I'm allergic to.
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Antihistamines.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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You might be familiar with the comedy of Tim Vine.
Lot's of one liners and puns.
And he goes through periods of lots of creativity, followed by weeks without a peep.
He has just released his 'Euro 2020 memories'
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Tonight was supposed to be the annual meeting of 'The UK Procrastination Club'.
But they've put it off until next month.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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Yesterday I had an appointment at the Hypnotherapist for a session on 'Memory Improvement'.
Probably needless to say, but I forgot to go.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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(Credit to The Two Ronnies for inspiration)

After a spate of 'washing line thefts', Thames Valley Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable has said that they must wear their normal uniforms.

After a series of burglaries in the Cardiff area, Chief Inspector Dai Llewellyn has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye.
If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

In the English Channel today, a tanker ship carrying red paint has collided with a tanker ship carrying purple paint.
It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins.
His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.

We have heard today that Britain’s most absent-minded man received a nasty bump on the head after he dashed upstairs and realised he’d forgotten something.
He’d forgotten he lived in a bungalow.

A man from Dagenham has named his son KB17 RWF.
He said he may not be rich but when his son is old enough to use his Ford Mondeo, at least he’ll have his own personalised number plate.
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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That reminds me of a time when I worked at a college and there was a group of us in the foyer discussing a job. There was a notoriously rude woman who was always coming to evening classes and she barged into our group, and said very loudly “Tell me where the weight watcher’s class is at once!”

Our clerk of works gave her a pleasant smile and said “Of course, just go diagonally across the foyer to the double doors, through the doors, along the corridor and through the doors at the end. You’ll see stairs on your right, go up those stairs to the next floor and the room is on your left-hand side you fat fuck and the organisers are setting up so you should find them easily.”

She set off and halfway across the foyer she paused and looked back with a puzzled look on her face. Before she had a chance to say anything, Charlie just smiled and said, “Those doors there and one floor up.”

And off she waddled and probably wondering about getting her hearing checked.
 
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