Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 56 50.5%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 16 14.4%
  • No

    Votes: 12 10.8%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 27 24.3%

  • Total voters
    111

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."
____________

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!"
Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
"Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That’s him," comes the reply.
"He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Well...before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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exhaustipated.jpeg
 

Krepostnoi

Confronting the challenge of porcine fragility
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I've been listening to a podcast featuring Adam Buxton and Jim Moir/Vic Reeves. The conversation touched on Reeves' top ten hits, as part of which Moir recounted how he had been invited to Jeff Beck's wedding. There was a band playing, but many of the guests got up on stage to do a song. As you can imagine, it was a star-studded guest list. Anyway, Beck invited Moir to get on stage to sing a song. He found himself with Paul McCartney on one side, and Jimmy Page in the other. Macca asked him what song he wanted to sing, and Moir replied
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."
he only knew the first verse.
 

GNC

King-Sized Canary
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Doug Henning! Very talented magician, a staple of holiday filler TV viewing in the UK. Became a candidate for the notorious Natural Law Party in the 90s, and died of cancer when he eschewed medical treatment in favour of healthy eating and meditation.
 

Nosmo King

I'm not a cat
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Doug Henning! Very talented magician, a staple of holiday filler TV viewing in the UK. Became a candidate for the notorious Natural Law Party in the 90s, and died of cancer when he eschewed medical treatment in favour of healthy eating and meditation.
Was it the Natural Law Party that did the 'Yogic Flying'?
 

GingerTabby

Carbon-based life form
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Doug Henning! Very talented magician, a staple of holiday filler TV viewing in the UK. Became a candidate for the notorious Natural Law Party in the 90s, and died of cancer when he eschewed medical treatment in favour of healthy eating and meditation.
Very talented indeed! I used to watch him on television and I saw him perform live once in the 1980s. He did not disappoint.
 

Lord Lucan

Justified & Ancient
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Borrowed from Reddit...

A pregnant woman is shot three times in the stomach.
She recovers and finds out she is having triplets. A few months later she gives birth to two girls and one boy. She is delighted, but hopes the gunshots won’t affect her children.
Fast forward 13 years and one of her daughters comes to her and says “This morning when I was peeing a bullet came out of my private parts“. The mother tells her it won’t happen again and that she shouldn’t worry about it.
The next day, her other daughter comes and says “Mum, when I was peeing this morning, a bullet came out!”. The mother tells her it won’t happen again and that she shouldn’t worry about it.
The next day, her son comes to her and says “Mum, this morn-“
”Let me guess, you were peeing and then a bullet came out?” his Mum interrupted.
“No, I was having a wank and shot the dog!”
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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A man received the following text from his neighbour:
" I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn the autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife"
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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Words of wisdom:

  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path may be too narrow. Why don't you just off and stop bothering me?
  • Do not criticise anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. This means when you start, you will be a mile away and have their shoes
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken drive belt and flat tyre.
  • Some days you’re the fly; some days you’re the windscreen
  • If you ever feel you are worthless remember that you are full of expensive organs.
  • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour's milk, that’s the time to do it.
  • Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  • Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else…
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, maybe skydiving is not for you.
  • No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • Don't worry, it will only seem kinky the first time
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
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Location
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Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”.
Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a 60 inch TV”.
___________

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.
___________

The manager of my local bakery has been arrested after police discover suspicious turnover.
 

Dinobot

Justified & Ancient
Joined
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Broadcasting from the moon...
Words of wisdom:


  • Do not criticise anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. This means when you start, you will be a mile away and have their shoes
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken drive belt and flat tyre.
  • Some days you’re the fly; some days you’re the windscreen
  • If you ever feel you are worthless remember that you are full of expensive organs.
  • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour's milk, that’s the time to do it.
  • Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  • Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else…
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, maybe skydiving is not for you.
  • No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • Don't worry, it will only seem kinky the first time
And whatever foot diseases they might have...

aTrRLh9-2-X.jpg
 
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