Humour & Jokes

Do you have a GSOH?

  • Yes

    Votes: 57 50.4%
  • Sometimes

    Votes: 16 14.2%
  • No

    Votes: 12 10.6%
  • What's a GSOH?

    Votes: 28 24.8%

  • Total voters
    113

Dinobot

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Broadcasting from the moon...
2c45372a72249f4c2a20f5aef01ce94e.jpg
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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I went in the library and asked "Do you have any books on Horses?"
"No..." replied the librarian, "They're all on shelves"
 

Tunn11

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In a small oppressed country, suffering under a totalitarian regime and at war with a powerful neighbour old Georgei and his wife Marta are huddled around the stove eating the last of last week’s loaf of bread.

“Georgei,” says Marta: “Will you go and queue again today to see if there is any bread?”

Georgei agrees and in the predawn light joins the long queue outside the bakery. The rain starts and despite the dawn the day remains cold. Only asking a neighbour in the queue to save his place while he takes a drink of freezing water from the public fountain or relieves himself in the freezing, smelly public facilities offers any break from the monotony.

The queue does not move. The sun sets and the rain turns to sleet and then to snow. Finallly the door to the bakery opens and the baker shouts.

“Citizens, the terrible weather has defeated our glorious government convoy from getting here with the flour. Sorry , no bread today.”

“Ach.” Grumbles Georgei; “What a country.”

A heavy hand lands on Georgei’s shoulder and a hulking policeman says:

“Citizen, remarks such as that are unpatriotic. I should, by rights take you to the police station to be shot. But you are an old man and it is a cold day. Go home and reflect on your actions.”

Geogei mumbles his thanks and shuffles off home through the snow to his only slightly warmer home.

Marta greets him and sees with disappointment that he has no bread. “No bread again, things are as bad as yesterday and the day before.”

“No,” says Georgei: “They are worse.”

“How is that?” Says Marta.

“Not only have they run out of bread, they’ve run out of bullets.”
 

Tunn11

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A man walks slowly into the doctor’s surgery.

“Have a seat,” says the doctor.

“No thank you”, replies the man; “You see I have a cricket ball jammed up my arse.”

“How’s that?”

“Don’t you start.”
 

Kondoru

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Explain to me...

...A joke....

...or some new Icelandtour advertising?

(at any rate its lame)
 

IbisNibs

Exotic animal, sort of . . .
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Outside my comfort zone.
More about food
(Disclamer: Recently I had to remain alert for several hours in a boring situation. From somewhere, these jokes entered my brain. Any resemblance to cannibal jokes you've already heard is due to unconscious plagerism.)

What is Hannibal Lecter's favorite dessert?
Ladyfingers.
What does Hannibal Lecter call people in hot tubs?
Stew.
What does Hannibal Lecter call people in steam rooms?
Dumplings.
What does Hannibal Lecter call sweaty people?
Salty snacks.
What does Hannibal Lecter call speeders?
Fast food.
What does Hannibal Lecter call embalmed people?
Processed food.
What does Hannibal Lecter do when he's nervous?
Bites other people's nails.
Why doesn't Hannibal Lecter like eating at MacDonald's?
He prefers fallen arches.
What's the best way to help Hannibal Lecter?
Let him get a head.
What's another way to help Hannibal Lecter?
Give him a hand.
 

Tunn11

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The perfect Christmas gift for dog owners
View attachment 48253
I think these were first developed in the US after WW2. Weather patterns caused them to accumulate in the Southwest until a storm in 1947 caused them to crash into the ground near Roswell NM. It wasn't bodies in those bags the military carried off - it was jobbies.
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
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(WARNING - Lazy national stereotypes follow)

Turkey has prosecuted a peeping tom - Mustapha Gander

China has their first golf champion - Ho Lin Wun.

Korea has their first astronaut - Moon Lan Ding

Scotland nightclub has new cloakroom attendant - Angus McCoatup

Wales has a new Minister for Transport - Dai Version
 

Trevp666

It was like that when I got here.........honest!!!
Joined
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Tunn11

Devoted Cultist
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(WARNING - Lazy national stereotypes follow)

Turkey has prosecuted a peeping tom - Mustapha Gander

China has their first golf champion - Ho Lin Wun.

Korea has their first astronaut - Moon Lan Ding

Scotland nightclub has new cloakroom attendant - Angus McCoatup

Wales has a new Minister for Transport - Dai Version
Reminded me that WC Fields used to write under assumed names, Mahatma Coat and maybe some others. Ronnie Barker also but less contrived as Gerald Wiley, IIRC
 

Bigphoot2

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
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I think these were first developed in the US after WW2. Weather patterns caused them to accumulate in the Southwest until a storm in 1947 caused them to crash into the ground near Roswell NM. It wasn't bodies in those bags the military carried off - it was jobbies.
Just imagine them hitting aircraft! Bird strikes are bad enough but turd strikes... :yuck:
 

ChasFink

Justified & Ancient
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Reminded me that WC Fields used to write under assumed names, Mahatma Coat and maybe some others. Ronnie Barker also but less contrived as Gerald Wiley, IIRC
Fields used Charles Bogle, Otis Criblecoblis, and Mahatma Kane Jeeves.
 
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