My 15 minutes of enlightenment

IamSundog

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#1
This happened to me twenty years ago. My (then) wife and I had recently had a baby boy die from SIDS at the age of seven weeks. The months of grieving following this were of course absolute hell on earth. But in the midst of it I had an extraordinary thing happen to me on two different mornings about a month apart.

Normally I would wake at 7:00 to get up for work. I am a night person by nature and tend to stay up late. Then I sleep like a log until my alarm goes off, and I hate waking up and have a lot of difficulty getting my brain unfogged and getting myself going.

These two occasions were identical. I awoke spontaneously and saw my alarm clock reading exactly 6:00 AM, *exactly* one hour before the alarm. I awoke immediately alert, clear headed, calm, feeling great and filled with positive energy (which in itself is unheard of for me, and especially then). I had just been having a very vivid dream in which I had saved the life of a child - the particular dream was different on the two occasions but shared this theme. The successful conclusion in this dream seemed to lead naturally to waking in this exhilarated state. I got out of bed. My wife and other child were asleep and the house was absolutely quiet.

I was in an altered state of consciousness. It was as if I had achieved enlightenment or some sort of “cosmic awareness”. Everything around me was transformed. Everything looked normal in shape and color, and yet at the same time looked magical, “spiritually perfect”, as if made from exquisite crystal and glowing from within with a subtle blue-grey otherwordly light. I looked out the window. Every leaf and blade of grass glowed softly and stood out with hyper-clarity like thousands of crystals in the predawn twilight, absolutely bursting with life and fullness. Everything literally looked like a shining glass version of itself, and it seemed as though I was seeing a “perfect” or “Platonic” version of everything that lies behind its mundane worldly manifestation. There seemed to be glorious symphonic music playing, even though it was absolutely quiet. It was all heartbreakingly beautiful. Even the lowliest things – dirty socks on the floor, a broken footstool, wadded kleenex in the trashcan – glowed with this perfect inner light.

I felt absolutely calm and tranquil and alert. I knew deep in my heart the absolute rightness of all creation. I had stepped outside of my usual self. I was looking into my life and my house from the outside, as if I normally lived on the ninth circle of enlightenment and had just poked my head in down here into a typical mundane life on earth to see what it was all about. Time was telescoped – a minute could seem to contain an eon, even though the second hand ticked at a normal rate around the clock. I did not feel at all surprised at any of this. I felt that what I was experiencing was more real and more normal than my normal life, as if my normal life was a confused half-dream that I could never quite fully wake up from, and that now at last I was fully awake and seeing the world for what it really is.

As I thought about it, the “rightness of all creation” extended to include everything in the world that we normally categorize as negative: grief, hurt, selfishness, sin, war. These too were somehow perfect, just like the dirty socks; they had a larger purpose that was all part of creation’s natural unfolding.

It is difficult to capture in words how profound this was. I know it sounds like hippy dippy new-age mystical gobbledegook, and I wish it didn’t sound silly. I wish I could convey how deep and holy it felt. You would also have to appreciate how screwed up and un-tranquil and un-religious my normal life was (and is!) – how full of sadness and anxiety and frustration and selfishness and short-tempered arguments – to see how strange and unusual this was. I was not into meditation or spirituality at all.

It lasted precisely one hour, during which time I wandered the house quietly or sat at the kitchen table in the twilight. Just before the alarm was to go off the mystical feeling faded as the morning light outside grew brighter, and my normal day began, and I got ready for work and headed out. I seemed to transition easily and naturally into normal consciousness.

This was probably the most important experience of my life, and the most “fortean”. I don’t know what to call it or exactly how to interpret it. I did nothing to achieve it or deserve it. It feels like a gift given to me when my life was at an all-time low. It was hyper-real and does not seem at all delusional or hallucinatory in nature. I did not go on to become religious or especially spiritual, and it did not seem like a requirement to do so. Some years later I took up meditation for a while, and that was beneficial, but I never achieved anything remotely like this from meditating. It did not lead me to conclude definitively that God exists - - in a way, the experience was such that the question of God’s existence seemed kind of beside the point – as though if you have to ask a question like that, you’re not really GETTING the experience – or as though that’s not the pertinent question (don’t know how to put this any better). But I remember the knowledge of that “inner perfection” and occasionally I am able to draw assurance from it when life seems insane and incoherent and cruel, as it usually does.

I’ve pondered the relevance of the vivid pre-waking dream about saving the life of a child when I had just lost my son. Seems to mean something deep, but what exactly?

I was never able to tell my wife about it. In her anguish at the time, she would have angrily mocked and rejected it. I’ve never read about anything exactly like it. It seems to slightly resemble near death experiences just in terms of the lasting impression of a “larger purpose and coherence to life”. I have only ever talked about it with one friend who I know has had a few unusual experiences herself. It has taken me a long time to build up courage to come forward here with it, I guess because it has an intensely personal aspect to it and because I also tend to smirk a bit at stories that sound too gushingly earnestly spiritual.
 
A

Anonymous

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#2
perfect understanding

i had a similar event, but a NDE (near death experience) , not a waking one.....
....the story's around here somewhere, basically i almost suffocated while sleeping nose deep in an overstuffed couch (how lame)...but my point is, while i didn't see all the things you did -just light, in all colors unimaginable- i also had the feeling that everything had it's reason- the evil in the world, all the mistakes i had made...were trivial (in that i didn't need to worry about them at all) but important (in that they were crucial to the growth of the world and humanity.)
like you, i have pretty much stopped telling my story to friends who don't understand-nor can i acurately describe the feeling of warmth, love, understanding and wholeness without sounding trite or new-agey......and although i can't seem to carry those feelings into my everyday life (i.e. be happy and carefree, love my brother etc...) i know what i experienced, and some part of me is definately more aware of a bigger picture.
hope you know what i'm talking about.
 

rynner2

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#3
Two thoroughly intriguing posts, that lead me (not for the first time) to contemplete the nature of reality and the meaning of life.

Personal experiences that cannot be scientifically verified (at this time, anyway) are the essence of Forteana.
 

Bannik

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#5
Sundog - I know it must have taken you a lot of courage to share this and I think you did as fine a job as anyone could at describing it.

I understand your frustration at having to fall back on New-Age terms to describe your experience. I rarely discuss these kinds of realizations which I have much more frequently than you (hardly an hour goes by, in fact, without one), though with much less intensity.

I understand your indifference to the whole question of God's existence. Such "opposites" as existence and non-existence are...oh, heck, I don't know how to put it. If I had to sum up these types of experiences in one word I'd have to choose the word "paradox". It's like opposites (like "good" and "bad") merge...but remain opposite, nonetheless.

I’ve pondered the relevance of the vivid pre-waking dream about saving the life of a child when I had just lost my son. Seems to mean something deep, but what exactly?
Perhaps it was after you had saved the child that you felt you could simply let go and it was at this point that you were the most receptive to this kind of experience. I know you said you can't get it from meditating (I can't either) but meditation is a different kind of letting-go. In the dreams there was a certain exertion of will (saving the children) followed by a sense of release (after your success). Ever notice how the physical exertion of running or doing push-ups is followed by a sense of release and relaxation?

There was one night I was having trouble going into a deep sleep. I just kept dosing off and waking back up. At some point I had a sort of lucid dream in which I went up to someone who, in real life, had been giving me hard time, and roared in his face. The effect of this roaring was powerful it might as well have been actual. I woke up to find my joints and muscles pain-free, my circulation improved, my body warm, and my skin brighter than usual. I went out into another room where other people were having a conversation and I could tell I was giving off a different kind of energ by the way they were looking at and talking to me. They seemed more at ease in my presence. I know your dreams were much more noble than mine but both mine and yours have this in common - they were active, involving an assertion of instinctive will. Meditation in contrast is passive. There was also in my dream, as I'm sure there was in yours, an absence of self-questioning, of internal-dialogue - no neurotic thought-processes to get in the way of my taking action.

I'm curious as to why you feel you didn't deserve this alteration of consciousness. You saved a young child's life twice (even if "only" in a dream). You seem more deserving of it than does someone who obtains it simply by doing drugs or meditating, imho.
 

IamSundog

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#6
Thanks to all who’ve replied. I’m somewhat reassured that I’m not being taken for a gushing new age bliss ninny.

Travbot I remember reading about your NDE here at some point. I very much share your frustration with being able to convey it to other people sufficiently – and also with not being able to carry those feelings into everyday life. Sometimes I wonder whether I was meant to do something as a result of this experience – put on robes and preach in the streets like a lunatic??? I tried meditation, which was great but I’m apparently not disciplined enough to pursue it thoroughly, and I’ve tried getting involved in church, which is beneficial…but its as though all these things are just lame approximations. On the other hand, its not as though I would want to live in that “cosmic” state all the time – how could I get anything done? - so I guess I don’t know what the follow up to this ought to be. I have tried to change for the better in my own feeble way.

I sometimes read the skeptics responses to NDEs (hallucination caused by oxygen starvation etc) and I shake my head. I haven’t had an NDE but I feel I’m in the same boat – you KNOW it’s a real thing and not a hallucination because of the way the experience directly touches a very deep part of your soul, but there’s no way to convince another person of it. I’ve had hallucinations from bad fevers and various hallucinogenic drugs in my time, and those experiences are like watching a cartoon in comparison – they’re disjointed and confused and they tend to involve just your intellect and visual cortex, not your “deep soul”. OK maybe I didn’t ingest enough, or the right ones. But I’m convinced they are not at all the same thing.

Jay72 - I agree that “religious experience” is probably the right label, though I was and remain fairly non-religious. I can’t seem to subscribe to any dogma, and I can’t even seem to really integrate the truth of this experience into my world view. In fact I often find myself doubting other people’s stories of this ilk. How can I possibly do that? We really are programmed very profoundly to discredit any subjective spiritual experience and value only what can be physically proven. It’s a shame because I think our lives are poorer for it, in fact I think it’s the essence of what’s broken. On the other hand there are so many pathetic new agers eager to believe any piece of crazy drivel anybody sells them, and who would want that?

Bannik you have some interesting thoughts on the role of the dreams. Certainly the dreams were “action dramas” without any time for internal question or debate. I’ve sometimes pondered whether they were an instruction to go out and help needy children. I had a lot of vivid dreams during this grieving period, including some horrible nightmares about my family in danger and being unable to save them. These “save the children” dreams were the complete antithesis of that and I did wake up feeling just great, totally elated,…but they were just dreams, absolute fantasy, and the reality I woke up to was unchanged and grim. So why didn’t I just crash against the brick wall of reality and roll over to sleep until the alarm? I don’t feel like the dreams in themselves had enough power to trigger the experience or change my internal state to the point I was open to something. I feel as though the dreams were just the visible symptoms of some deeper movement happening inside me. I don’t know.

I'm curious as to why you feel you didn't deserve this alteration of consciousness
I didn’t mean it in the sense of “I’m not worthy” – just that I hadn’t been seeking anything like it at all, had no faith or spiritual core, and was not the sort of person I would expect this to happen to. If anything, during that time I was filled with a sense that life was empty of meaning and was deriving some grim pleasure from cursing God for His cruelty, etc. My attitude was basically completely opposite to the nature of the experience.
 

FuzzyLord

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#7
Not in response to a crisis, but....

Hi, Sundog,

I have had similar experiences, also exactly two of them, lasting only just a few minutes, though. Both occured outdoors in the daytime. Everything, each individual thing, seemed to glow as if it "contained" a jewel of light, which makes a little sense when you talk about a leaf, but not when you talk about a slab of asphalt. I live in the middle of a large, old, imperfectly cleaned city (Boston, MA), not exactly the realm of enlightenment. I was doing things and had to "go about my business" but for a few minutes, wherever I looked, right there in the mundane things (e.g., leaves, asphalt) there dwelt a cosmic perfection. Not an alien perfection, but exactly the things own "being" or "ness-ness" (state of being exactly itself).

Either the world is really up to something big and whole, which we are let in on occasionally, or the human mind / brain has built into it a kind of sanity-saving structure which kicks in when needed (you) or sometimes at random (me).

Thank you for an intriguing tale.

Hungry Joe
 

IamSundog

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#8
Hungry - Interesting that you should get the "perfect inner light" experience in the middle of the day going about your business. Hopefully this sort of thing doesn't strike when one is driving the expressway or on a tight work deadline. "Sorry about screwing up that presentation, boss, but I was suddenly apprehending the timeless perfection of all existence..."

exactly the things own "being" or "ness-ness" (state of being exactly itself)
That sounds kind of like how I saw it. I'm suddenly remembering a section about "intense being-ness" or something like that in Aldrous Huxley's Doors of Perception - anyone read that within the last few decades? I remember feeling I was looking at a sort of perfect timeless essence of each individual object that exists on another plane, that the "perfect essence" version was the more complete and real object, and that the version we normally see and touch is a sort of shabby projection of it into our shabby normal plane.

I will admit this whole experience could be some form of compensation mechanism - a "sanity saving structure that kicks in" - but that's not what I feel about it. There was a sense of deja vu about it like I had returned to a familiar state, which is something that I think some NDE experiencers report too. I think this sort of thing is a taste of a bigger picture that is normally denied to us mere mortals, presumeably denied so we can take care of business on our assigned plane. I don't see this as wishful thinking because having to drudge it out on the shabby side of existence with only ocassional and cryptic glimpses of a larger truth and no guarantees is not exactly what I would wish for.
 

escargot

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#9
We have a couple of threads discussing experiences like this. One of the explanations advanced for them is temporal lobe epilepsy, or TLE.



A TLE episode can give a person extremely real-feeling sensations of transcendence, lightness, immense wisdom and so on.

When working with patients with TLE I learned that they often had intense religious and spiritual feelings, usually directly associated with minor or major seizures.

At least one poster was kind enough to describe their own TLE/transcendent experiences on here.

http://www.forteantimes.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=12212&highlight=temporal+lobe+epilepsy
 

IamSundog

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#10
I'm willing to entertain the possibility of TLE, Escargot, though if I suffered from TLE I would think I would have had more than two episodes in my life??

I also wanted to post a general apology for my ranting against new-agers, as I am sure there are many in this board who subscribe to new-age stuff to some degree. I do not mean to be so judgmental or negative; I have new age acquaintances and have dabbled with it some myself. I think there is some value in some new-age ideas, but feel that the new-age community tends to be way too uncritical and therefore vulnerable to charlatans...and this gives new-agism a bad rep, which makes a guy like me hesitant to tell his tale. But apologies please if I offended anyone.
 

Bannik

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#11
I notice that one of the many "triggers" for me for that sense of allness and interconnectedness that many have described is simply noticing the things of natrue - animals, woods, grass, hills, etc. It makes me wonder if the reason the Greek word "Pan" is used both to refer to a nature god and also as their word for "all" has something to do with the power of the various natural structures of the earth to instill a sense of transcendence and "allness" in those who witness it.

Then again, gazing up at the stars fills me with a sense of expansiveness (though with a different flavour to it) as well, so they could have just as appropriately used the name of a sky-god as their word for "all."
 

escargot

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#12
Sundog, TLE (or just 'epilepsy' as it's commonly known) is a truly mysterious condition which affects each subject differently.

It is perfectly possible to have many or very few seizures, of limitlessly varying severity, thoughout the course of one's life.

You may like to look at www.epilepsy.org.uk to learn more.

My daughter's boyfriend was walking through a field one day, when he suddenly felt an enormous, beneficial, invisible presence, which had placed all the beautiful trees and flowers around him, so that he had no choice but to fall to his knees in rapture, though he's not religious......

When my daughter told me this, I asked, um, is there any epilepsy in his family?
Yup, it seems that his mother has occasional seizures.

A seizure doesn't have to be violent - just a 'floaty' feeling sometimes, or a couple of twitches, or an aural hallucination.
Anyone can be induced to have one, in the right conditions.

There is one stimulus which 'sets' me off briefly and I jump like someone who's nodded off in church! :lol:
If it happened often, or unexpectedly, I'd see a doctor.

Maybe you ought to also, just to put your mind at rest.
 

Ereshkigal_X

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#13
I found your story very comforting and beautifully written, Sundog. It has remained in my mind for several days since I first read it.
It did not seem new age to me - it reminded me of very old stories I have read of the mystical experiences that religious people have had in the past.
Of course, some people put all weird and profound religious experiences of that type down to temporal lobe epilepsy. But that seems about as meaningful as saying all extreme geeks have Asperger's syndrome. Having said that, it couldn't hurt to see your doctor if it worries you or happens again.
 

gellatly68

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#14
an extract from 'A Guide to Reading' that seems apposite: The narrator is experiencing a moment of considerable drunken sincerity:
Drunkenly ecstatic, I wanted to let him into this sudden revelation, this wonderful and terrible knowledge of what was right in front of my face, all our faces. I found that I couldn’t move, though: Instead, I was stuck staring into a lit window in the building next door and the shadows moving inside. On the wall, which I now apprehended fully in its clarity, quiddity and consonance, seeing how each neat brick supported each other, how each part went to create the whole, There was a fire ladder, reduced to shadows in the night, and the shadows were replete with meaning. It was as if everything around me was shouting out messages in a joyous harmony. I just stood there, lost in wonder in a myriad of ideas, glinting with sudden light in the darkness. I believe I was shuddering with the shock of the sudden frenzy of thoughts rushing through me. All I could do was mouth ‘wow.wow.wow.’, looking like a goldfish, I would think.

Even now, thinking back to that night, I really don’t understand it. It was as if the whole world had unfurled its strange musky flower, one full of mysteries, that’s all I can say. Of course, one can’t keep smelling the flower the same way: It would be impossible to function in this tired, venal world of ours if one did so. But once it has happened, then it becomes easier to see that the construction of meanings we place upon our quotidian existence is flimsy, no more and no thicker than a scene painting in the theatre – easy enough to tear away and see what lies beyond. It only needs the realisation that what we choose to see is not genuine.
http://aguidetoreading.blogspot.com
 

Twin_Star

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#15
Hey Sundog,

Reading your experience put me in mind of a book i read by a guy called George Gurdjieff.

In his book: "Beelzebub's tales to his Grandson" (ISBN 0140194738), this deeply-radical free-thinker spends 1200 pages reflecting on the meaning of life.

He tends to be lumped in the "new age" section of bookshops, but doesn't really belong there at all.

His ideas on what we collectively describe as "consciousness", the place of the "robot" in parts of our individual pysches, and - most specifically -the "heightened" sense of reality you have so eloquently described are all covered. Although after 1200 pages, no conclusions are reached, the book is emminently readable / re-readable.

I've only felt this sensation once, curiously when i was mowing the lawn, but the effect of it has stayed with me ever since.

Warmly,
TMS
 

llkit

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#16
Had a similar experience to yours sundog, when i was younger and going through the worst time of my life. I do not want to go into details as it was very personal. I feel my life has been more positive since then, the experience left me quite optimistic.
I have found following my intuition and analysing life as it occurs has seemed to help me build on the experience (hard to express exactly what i mean) . I am not remotely religious, but have found the experience has helped me make life more positive for myself, and hopefully for those around me!

I feel if i was more specific I would loose the essence of what happened and what it means. The effect has been subtle but continuous. I hope your experience continues to affect you in a positive way :D
 
A

Anonymous

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#17
Beautifully expressed. It made me think of the term " the way of the cross"
It is like your ego has gone. Your no longer labelling, judging, critising.
Your are seeing things in there pristine condition.

You often read of prison conversions, I have read of people on death row who just surrender to the now and have unimaginable peace. It is said all our pain comes from resisting what is.

You must have given huge hope and encouragement to everyone who read you beautiful posting.

Peace be with you.[/quote]
 
A

Anonymous

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#18
escargot said:
Sundog, TLE (or just 'epilepsy' as it's commonly known) is a truly mysterious condition which affects each subject differently.

It is perfectly possible to have many or very few seizures, of limitlessly varying severity, thoughout the course of one's life.

You may like to look at www.epilepsy.org.uk to learn more.

My daughter's boyfriend was walking through a field one day, when he suddenly felt an enormous, beneficial, invisible presence, which had placed all the beautiful trees and flowers around him, so that he had no choice but to fall to his knees in rapture, though he's not religious......

When my daughter told me this, I asked, um, is there any epilepsy in his family?
Yup, it seems that his mother has occasional seizures.

A seizure doesn't have to be violent - just a 'floaty' feeling sometimes, or a couple of twitches, or an aural hallucination.
Anyone can be induced to have one, in the right conditions.

There is one stimulus which 'sets' me off briefly and I jump like someone who's nodded off in church! :lol:
If it happened often, or unexpectedly, I'd see a doctor.

Maybe you ought to also, just to put your mind at rest.
Why should you go to the doctor's if you experience reality for what it truly is? So he can give you some advice on how to trigger the experience again?

The fact that they may be some neural correlates to the experience does not in any way imply the experience is not what it seems. Consider the fact that there are neural correlates to when you see a banana. Does that imply that you are not seeing a banana?

Now I was enjoying reading this thread until I came upon your inane comments. Please do desist.
 

rynner2

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#19
Interesting Ian said:
The fact that they may be some neural correlates to the experience does not in any way imply the experience is not what it seems. Consider the fact that there are neural correlates to when you see a banana. Does that imply that you are not seeing a banana?
Good point. You've got me there.

Next time I see a banana, I shall be thinking deep thoughts about the nature of reality.

(Normally I only think deep thoughts about the nature of reality when I've had a few beers, so thinking about bananas could be cheaper...)
 

LymeswoldSnork

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#21
The recently-departed Oliver Postgate describes a similar experience in chapter 15 of his autobiography "Seeing Things".
 

dannycheveaux1

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#22
Hi Sundog
This is the kind of feeling I tend to get, but only for a second, every now and then. I posted a brief mention of this a while ago. Its as if I suddenly "get" everything the way it really is, seeing it through the "real" me.
I can sometimes force it to happen, by looking deep into an everyday object. A few weeks back I couldnt get to sleep and decided to try this again, in the dark, in bed. I managed to keep the sensation going for a few minutes this time but it stopped when I suddenly felt the weirdest high frequency vibrating in my legs. I suppose I panicked and pulled out of it. I've no idea what the vibration was, but i'm sure it was linked somehow with putting myself into this "insight trance".
Cheers
Dan
 

IamSundog

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#23
I'd be very glad to be able to put myself back into this state at will. Given the state of my life, I don't find that likely, somehow.

Thanks for the reference, Lymes, I'll have to read Postgate's book. I still go looking once in a while for descriptions of similar experiences, not sure why, maybe I think someday I'll understand it better.

I have an update to this that I posted in the "How Things Look in Altered States" thread (I assume that's how this thread got revived); I will post here as well:
BTW, I was recently having a very deep "nature of reality" talk with a guy who's been HEAVILY into Zen Buddhist practice for decades. Now he has some experiences to tell, although "strange experiences" apparently hold little interest for serious students of Zen. I told him about my experience and he identified is as "Kensho", which he says happens to meditators but also spontaneously to normal shlubs like me during stressful or unusual circumstances. I Googled it and learned that "Kensho" means "seeing one's true nature" but otherwise haven't found much to satisfy my curiousity - no descriptions of what the experience is like for others. So, can't tell you if that's what I had.
As if knowing what to label it would make it understandable, I guess.
 
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#25
if the link doesn't work just type this into google

''paradigmshift gary osborne''

go to the site and click on the sleepless sleep.
 

rasputin

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#26
I love this story. It is so beautifully written and makes me feel so calm reading it. Wish I could experience something like that!
 

Hypermetropia

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#27
When I was in my early teens I had a most vivid but simple dream. I was in the snow and a man was showing me his hat, which was a floppy, four cornered affair, brightly coloured.

As he explained something along the lines of it being magical, I felt I was suddenly aware of the Universe, the mystery of Life, all that Other-Wordly sensation our first poster described.

I woke up and spent the day feeling quite altered and 'aware' of Life and my part in it. Then I grew up and forgot all about it!

Years later, I saw a documentary about the indigenous people of Sweden, the Sami, who once practiced Shamanism. The men wear a hat with four points that represent the Four Winds which has some significance to them still, today.
 

elprincipeoso

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#28
Love your description of it. Description it of your love. no words to say but thanks and yes. it is. It's what everything else hints at. I think that with acceptance and good will and good fortune you can carry it with you and express it with your very being. my conscious mind has at times experienced it, and, conscious blending with the unconscious can promote it. I hope my belief is true/right/whatever. if not, no worries! it still is what it is and it happened/happens.

crazy stuff.
 

thenumenorian

Junior Acolyte
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#29
waking up

i've noticed somehow that when things are bleakest, i can wake up in the morning and feel great.... until a few moments go by and i can remind myself of the difficulties, and of course come crashing down emotionally. i've thought it meant that this calm and happy state is how we are supposed to be and feel... that "god" or our inner self was telling us to forget, to lose our fear and be happy. but now after reading the initial post i'm not sure if it isn't just a last ditch coping mechanism, my mind trying to block reality as i come into consciousness.

the dream of rescuing a child might be a beautiful interpretation of what you would have done if you had been given the chance,
the feeling of meaning and calm that lingered perhaps a way of blocking devastating grief and helplessness.

maybe your wife would have understood
 

IamSundog

Not insane
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#30
Surprised to see this thread emerge again, am grateful to find others relate to it somewhat.

So to give skepticism its due, I admit again that it’s possible this was simply some kind of psychological reaction to emotional duress. But for whatever it’s worth, that’s not what it seems like to me at all, and I don’t feel there was any “blocking of reality”. I was completely aware of who and where I was and what had happened to us, the pain and grief were right there. It’s just that, while still painful, it was also beautiful and “holy” (I feel funny saying this but that’s the best way I can describe it) and an integral part of the larger thing. There was no sugar coating, I was not feeling cheerful and optimistic, there was this sense of vast dueling forces of life & death and joy & pain, I was just detached from my own little personal drama for a bit.

Hypermetropia I love the hat dream and the Swedish shaman connection is intriguing. When I hear stories like this I cant help wondering sometimes if we're being fed little hints and bits of truth, but so fleeting and intangible, just enough to keep us wondering.

Elprincipeoso - yes, I’ve come to feel that even if I can never “be there” again in this life, I can try to reflect it and convey it in small ways.

Thanks.
 
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