Not Very Interesting Things That Happened Today

Kryptonite

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Took my morning coffee over to the local park at 7am today (the park is less than a minute walk away from my house). Sat there for about 15 minutes, saw one fox, three squirrels, one jogger, and one pair of shitted underpants which someone had thoughtfully hung from a fence.

Sinisterly, when I left for work a few hours later, the befouled bloomers had vanished. ..
 

Bad Bungle

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Took my morning coffee over to the local park at 7am today (the park is less than a minute walk away from my house). Sat there for about 15 minutes, saw one fox, three squirrels, one jogger, and one pair of shitted underpants which someone had thoughtfully hung from a fence.

Sinisterly, when I left for work a few hours later, the befouled bloomers had vanished. ..
I've never trusted squirrels.
 

AnonyJoolz

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Having a nice cup of tea and a sit-down.
Bastards, with their little twitchy noes and bushy tails.
*draws pistol and cocks it*
I lament the passing of http://www.scarysquirrel.org which detailed their highly suspect behaviour and their ultimate conspiracy of total world domination. A short summary still remains here.... https://h2g2.com/entry/A381683

Further echoes of the warning about evil squirrels are to be found in the deepest depth of the Internet but I fear they got to the webmaster of scarysquirrel.org.
 
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Coal

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Kryptonite

Dazed and confused for so long it's not true
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I walked into a newsagents shop today. The man behind the counter froze as I walked in, with an almost guilty expression on his face, and can of Glade air freshener in his hand.

A few seconds later I detected the overpowering stench of farts, and suddenly his behaviour made sense.
 

Dinobot

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I walked into a newsagents shop today. The man behind the counter froze as I walked in, with an almost guilty expression on his face, and can of Glade air freshener in his hand.

A few seconds later I detected the overpowering stench of farts, and suddenly his behaviour made sense.
He's innocent! He saw you approaching, and was prepared for your overpowering stench of farts enchanting musk...
 

escargot

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I walked into a newsagents shop today. The man behind the counter froze as I walked in, with an almost guilty expression on his face, and can of Glade air freshener in his hand.

A few seconds later I detected the overpowering stench of farts, and suddenly his behaviour made sense.
Where might one find this highly estimable emporium?

I ask for a friend.
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
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I walked into a newsagents shop today. The man behind the counter froze as I walked in, with an almost guilty expression on his face, and can of Glade air freshener in his hand.

A few seconds later I detected the overpowering stench of farts, and suddenly his behaviour made sense.
I used to work for someone like that. He was a top bloke but you could cut his farts with a steak knife, I had to spray half the place every time he'd been for a crap so our customers probably thought it was me. I had to hand it to him though, he used to have a look of pride across his face every time.
 
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INT21

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I was idly browsing around while waiting for some deep, meaningful response to my remark about armed giant penguins.

So, being of an inquisitive nature I entered 'Fornication synonyms' in the Firefox search box.

fornication Synonyms
fornication

n.
adultery, illicit intercourse, unlicensed intercourse, promiscuousness, extramarital sex, premarital sex, incontinence, carnality, lechery, unchastity, lewdness, lubricity, libidinousness, licentiousness, venery, unfaithfulness, whoredom, harlotry, prostitution, concubinage, concupiscence, coitus, debauchery, libertinism; see also copulation.


'Damn', I thought,' I don't have a license for intercourse'.

Where do I apply, and is there a theoretical test first or do you go straight to the practical exam ?

INT21
 

INT21

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Scene,

Foggy alyway down by the gasworks, leggy blonde leaning against wall; smoking. Damp stone sets reflecting the yellow gas light. A man shuffles by, collar turned up.

'Ello Gladys, how about it ?

'Let's see you papers, Grandad'.

Er, well...

'You aint got any, 'av yer ? An unlicensed perv ? Sod off, what kind of girl do you think I am'

Just thinking, maybe a bit of black market ?

'Do I look black. Beat it'.

Man shuffles of into mist.
 

joeosker

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Last night at the local, put a few tunes on the (digital , internet linked) juke box and one played at what souned like 33, 3 , any ideas
 

Ermintruder

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Buffering due to internet congestion *can* cause some weird effects upon audio content. Especially if the connectivity path is marginal, but keeps re-connecting. Can give what I'd describe as a swooping/wooshing effect, whilst the local codec tries its best to smooth out the gaps. So yes- you weren't drunk, it could easily have sounded very like a classic 45RPM single being played at 33RPM.

(I will now tell you a secret that you must promise not to divulge, ever (well, until lunchtime). 33 plus 45 equals 78RPM.....shhh, we're not meant to know that. It's been kept as arcane knowledge for a long time)
 

Lord Lucan

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On Sunday I was working with a lady who told me of a discussion she had with a friend the afternoon before. Her friend had a few nights earlier been sleeping with her bedroom window open due to the recent hot weather. She was awoken early in the morning to find a fox on her bed biting her arm.
 

Ermintruder

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Yesterday we got a postal delivery card, saying "you were out, so we left your parcel at your neighbours, at No 97 Acacia Gardens".

Went round, rang the bell, and our neighbour answered her door. 'Ah, you'll be looking for your parcel!' <hands over enormous package>

I said I'd no idea what the hell it could be, and was just walking away when I suddenly realised it was addressed to her.

Noting this inescapable fact, she said the deliveryman had said to her "can you take this for next door, they're out?", and she'd just accepted that as fact.

We said our goodbyes, and I walked-off, feeling uneasy and vaguely-cheated (which is pointless paranoia...if stuff really goes missing in the mail, it's not the end of anyone's world).
 

Ermintruder

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I got a parcel from ebay. Not so unusual.
Check the item number online, to confirm the supplier address and contact details. It could have been an admin error by the company (perhaps you've been a previous customer). Check your bank or card statements for a debit of the exact value shown on the enclosed eBay seller cover-note.

Alternatively (and MUCH worse) your eBay account may have been hacked. Or less-likely, your PayPal account. If in any doubt, contact the eBay online support people. They are very good....
 
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