Only In Real Life!

[amarok2005]

But there was this horrified scream, like a little girl --

Oh, never mind.

 

[cheeky381]

Spookdaddy wrote

I had a similar experience (minus canid) in a hotel not too long ago.

I had the same experience in a hotel in London called The Grange at Christmas. I checked in at 7pm and the curtains were shut; I was late getting to a Christmas party so I showered, changed and left.
Next morning, hungover, makeup still plastered over my face I flung the curtains open and caught the nets with them at the same time.
Took me a good 5-10 seconds to realise I was on the 2nd floor gazing down at the atrium and check-in desk. And I was naked....

 

[escargot]

Look on the bright side - nobody'd notice your messed-up mascara.

 

[Spookdaddy]

As I've been in far away countries of which we know little for a while...(yes - I've been away!!! - no one rang, no one called - I could have been lying under a pile of old newspapers being nibbled by cats for all you lot cared...I don't even like cats.)

As I've been away for a while I thought I'd start with a bit of a bang -

What on earth was going through their minds?

 

[Heckler]

Presumably they only receive meat deliveries at the back door (ahem).

 

[Quake42]

As I've been in far away countries of which we know little for a while...(yes - I've been away!!! - no one rang, no one called - I could have been lying under a pile of old newspapers being nibbled by cats for all you lot cared...I don't even like cats.)

Wrong! Some of us noticed your absence... check out the MIA (or whatever it is called) thread under website issues...

 

[Spookdaddy]

Presumably they only receive meat deliveries at the back door (ahem).

Don't. Just...don't.

For someone as chronically addicted to double entendres - and general smut - as myself the enormous overload of associations that something like this is likely to cause could result in whiplash, temporary blindness and, in some cases, permanent death.

 

[Spookdaddy]

Wrong! Some of us noticed your absence... check out the MIA (or whatever it is called) thread under website issues...

Mwah...mwah.

 

[Heckler]

I must admit I was already reduced to a crossed eyed gibbering entendre apoplexy by the possibilities.

 

[OneWingedBird]

:lol:

 

[Spookdaddy]

Inappropriately - or simply bizarrely - named food emporia probably deserve a thread of their own.

I have this image of a man clinging to the porcelain like a sailor sitting on a lifebelt in the middle of the Battle of Jutland - a terrified expression on his face, a howl of pain gathering somewhere deep inside him, and wondering how much it'll cost to replaster the bathroom ceiling - as he realises one morning the terrible inferences behind the name 'Chicken Bazooka'.*

And one can only assume that the connotations which the words 'chicken' and 'cottage' carry in gay slang were a world away from the image that someone was actually trying to convey when they named the nations favourite Halal fast-food chain - which was obviously a hen sitting in a bungalow with a big grin on it's face while it waited to be strung up and throat-slit.

*(Ranelagh Place, Liverpool.)

 

[escargot]

someone as chronically addicted to double entendres - and general smut - as myself

Welcome back. Now get over to the limerick thread. We need you! :lol:

 

[OneWingedBird]

Ye Olde Naked Man Cafe, I think in Dent, always vexed me as to why someone would call such a place that.

Also The Hairy Fig in York, which sounds like it should be a euphemism for something, if it isn;t already.

 

[stu neville]

For someone as chronically addicted to double entendres - and general smut - as myself the enormous overload of associations that something like this is likely to cause could result in whiplash, temporary blindness and, in some cases, permanent death.

A fellow sufferer!

My fave was the horticultural society based in a village just south of Weston Super Mare, called Uphill.

The Uphill Gardeners Club changed its name only relatively recently.

 

[Heckler]

Whilst in Argos yesterday, I had to wipe away tears of laughter as I collected my purchase (much to the bemusement of the young lady).

Someone had purchased a WWE toy Wrestling set for their child which promised 'Realistic Action Figure Ring Action' and even more amusingly 'Authentic RAW Ring'.

:lol:

 

[cheeky381]

Spookdaddy wrote;

For someone as chronically addicted to double entendres - and general smut - as myself

This morning a client was saying his new office was behind the back entrance of the In And Out Club in the St James area and that he was very excited because a lot of the older gents like to take their mistresses 'round the back as it was more discrete...

Queue much sniggering and fnaar, fnaar-ing! :lol:

 

[Spookdaddy]

Possibly others are already familiar with this rather attractive sounding addition to the ever expanding world of male grooming. I wasn't - and as I was up the Edgware Road (London) when I spotted it I kind of assumed that it was a product of the Arab world which had maybe lost a little in translation. (For those unfamiliar: Edgware Road, very Middle-East/Arab - fantastic food, lovely aromatic tobacco, cracking hookahs, shops selling decor that could make yer gums bleed just looking at it.)

Anyway, I was wrong - it's German. And their headquarters are on a road called Klapp-Allee.

I am ridiculously pleased that somewhere in the world there is a street called Klapp-Allee.

 

[GNC]

With a name like that it deserves a round of applause! Er, or something else.

 

[Spookdaddy]

I was reminded of the following when I bumped into an old work colleague over the Christmas period.

Many years ago we worked with an incredibly accident prone woman - so accident prone in fact that you had to spend time around her to realise that the things that happened really did happen and were not simply part of some bizarre fantasy life. She once crashed into a hearse (on it's way back from a delivery, thankfully) and claimed to have got her head stuck in a catflap (which would have been entirely believable to anyone who knew her). These are just two examples of her lifelong struggle with the basic mechanics of life - there are many, many more.

Anyway, the following is a rough rendition of a telephone conversation between herself and our boss at the time.

She: Sorry, I'm going to be quite late this morning.

Boss: Okay, (sighs) what's the problem this time.

She: Well, the police have been round and apparently there's a dead Chinese accountant on the pavement.

Boss: ... :shock:...?

She: Yes. And they aren't letting anyone on the estate out of their houses until they've found his head!


That has got to be in anyone's top ten late for work excuses of all time - although I suppose it doesn't lend itself to repeated use.

 

[Cherrybomb]

As I've discussed before on another thread, I seem to attract all the nutters.
While living in Bath as a student I was out on a walk one night with a friend, when a young man ran up to us with a large box containing offal. He didn't say anything to us and once we had glanced into this box of meat he ran off again. No one believed us when we got back to my house. The odd people of the world (maybe I'm one of them :shock: ) always pick me to annoy!

*BTW, I really hope it was just some offal he got from a butcher and nothing more...sinister *

 

[Spookdaddy]

The Little piles of white powder! thread reminded me of something that happened when I was a baby.

I was born in the late 60's on a remote farm in the Peak District, just to the north of Dove Dale. When I was still in a pram we had a genuine lunatic as a neighbour - genuine because, come the full moon, she would don a dress made of stitched together feed sacks and pour a line of salt across all the gateways leading onto our property. She would also loudly curse my mum for being a 'gypsy witch' and throw rocks at my pram. Apparently, one full-moon my dad found that the salt completely surrounded the house in a single unbroken line - god knows where she got it all from.

Eventually the woman was arrested and carted off (nothing to do with us - my dad always thought it was a bit of a laugh). When they entered the house they found her husband chained to a seat by the kitchen table - the truly bizarre thing being that he was the local postman, and, according to my dad, he'd never missed a days work in his life; he could have done a runner at any time.

Those were the days - it's all incomers now.

 

[Mythopoeika]

Barking. :lol:

 

[OneWingedBird]

Er, or something else.

Antibiotics?

 

[Cherrybomb]

What a great story, Spookdaddy!

Did you ever find out why he was chained up?

 

[Pete Younger]

Sorting the chain mail ?

 

[Spookdaddy]

What a great story, Spookdaddy!

Did you ever find out why he was chained up?

The impression I always got (I'll check with my parents) was that the man was a passive victim who didn't actually resist what was being done to him - I also get the impression that the chaining up was more symbolic than practical, but that the man just kind of went along with it: a case of anything for a quiet life, in extremis - or possibly, ad absurdum.

I'm assuming it was one of those relationships where the effects of an individual's mental illness become so overbearing that it takes over the life of the partner (I'm no psychiatrist - so this might be bullshit) to the point where they no longer resist what is being done to them - in a similar way, possibly, to those in abusive relationships of the more common variety who tolerate behaviour that most of the rest of us think we never would.

 

[Spookdaddy]

Just found this on my phone - I'd forgotten about it:

I'm not sure, but I suspect that the Germans are trying to make up for historical accusations that they lack a sense of humour: First Klapp-Allee, now a Spaf Academy - I dread to think what name the street it's headquarter's are on goes by. :shock:

Edit: It may be that the word in question (meaning, erm...gentleman's relish and/or the act of distributing same) is not as widely used as I might think - in which case, carry on with whatever it was you were doing.

 

[OneWingedBird]

Have not heard that terminology before... well it is always nice to learn a new word.

 

[escargot]

I'm sure that from now on it'll always be on the tip of your tongue.

 

[Timble2]

Having spent a considerable chunk of the last three years writing stuff on Stroke Prevention in Atrial Fibrillation it did wonder what the SPAF business was about.......

No idea there was a meaning that involved rudeness.

The SPAF Academy is part of Boehringer Ingelheim's MedEd programme, that's meant to position Paradaxa (dabigatran etexilate) for various thromboembolic disorders.