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Pointless Hollywood Remakes

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Anonymous

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In the comentry to the directors cut of The Wicker Man Christopher Lee claims that a large Americasn studio had optioned the flim to be remade with Nickoles Cage as Howie. Have they no decency?

given that America loves remaking European films and usualy making an arse of it (La Feme Nikita, The Vanashing, Wings of Desire) I have desided that we should help them in their quest for the latest movie to reduce to the lowest comon denominator (not hard in La Feme Nikita's case). we should sugest their next project, posible casting options and even promotional material (if you have to much time and to little friends.)

After much thinking I realised that Hollywood has mised a golden oportunity no only to make a 'feal good' picture (like they ever do) but also to utalise some of it's major stars in...

The flower of her Secret. Ofcorse it would have to be renamed, well it could seem a little rude couldn't it? The Flower of her Secret renamed 'Her Secret' (don't want to ofend anyone.) But wait a minute Her Secret could be a bit rude too...well we'll sort out the title later.

Staring: Julia Roberts in the leading role, Tom Hanks as the husband who leavs her (more lovable, don't you think. And they agree to do it!) and Mat Damon as the man she finds happyness with (well she can't end up with a fat man with a beard.)

Posable modifacations: ease up on the depresion and get rid of the comunist stuff.

Posable tag line: 'It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, it'ss make you want to go to that Almodovar season at your local art cinema.'

Or what about Ben Aflik and Mat Damon in a Solaris.

The posabilities are endless.
 

rynner2

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well she can't end up with a fat man with a beard.
Here! I'll have you know I'm well built and sexily hirsute!

Just for that, I've moved this thread so you can't find it... :blah:
 

oll_lewis

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Sampson and Dehlila

Staring: Arnie (who else?) as Sampson, Winona Ryder as dehlila, Jim carry adam sandler and Mike Myers as the philistine kings.

Tagline: She stole his heart and his hair, They stole his eyes. This time it's personal!

of course because it would be for mass market they'ed have to remove any mention of religion and because of that the whole hair cutting thing wouldn't make much sense and the story would lose it's point but hay, its hollywood:rolleyes:
 
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Anonymous

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rynner said:
Here! I'll have you know I'm well built and sexily hirsute!

Just for that, I've moved this thread so you can't find it... :blah:

I'm sure you are verry 'sexualy hirsute but a sex scene with your double in the movie would spoil it somewat.

What about Juel et Jim without the menage et tua or the tricky drag scene? Tag line:

Cute Europenan ignore the war!
 
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Anonymous

Guest
Aw, didn't mean to offend. I just think it's cute when people can't spell French.
 
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Anonymous

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Nope. The worst remake is bound to be 'The Colditz Story' with lots of escaping American PoWs. I tell you, the French and Poles should complain....
 
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Anonymous

Guest
Well, I always hope and pray that it's just someone's idea of a sick joke, but it keeps cropping up here and there and just won't go away. It's sick, I tell you. Sick, sick, sick...
 
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Anonymous

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Helen said:
Well, I always hope and pray that it's just someone's idea of a sick joke, but it keeps cropping up here and there and just won't go away. It's sick, I tell you. Sick, sick, sick...

Be afrair, be verry afraid...
 
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Anonymous

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ohmygodohmygodohmohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodygodohmygod
ohmygodohmygoohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygoddohmygodohmygod
ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod
 

minordrag

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Yesssssss, my friendssssss! The takeover is complete. We may not own the future, but we own hissstory. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Dick Van Dyke to play the RAF Major! Winona Ryder the shy Cockney lass! Someone from England to play the evil Nazi commandant! No! Anthony Hopkins! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

If it ain't broke, break it.
 
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Anonymous

Guest
the production will substitute British escapees for US stars like Tom Cruise and Matt Damon
In that case, I will look forward to future Hollywood films! So which Brit escapees would be substituted for Tom & Matt, d' ya think?
 
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Anonymous

Guest
From http://www.empireonline.com

On Yer Bike
27/09/2002

Empire Online is officially in shock. While gaily going about our work this fine Friday morning, news so sinister filtered through to Empire Towers to shock even our wizened, cynical souls and make us cry yet again, "Is there no limit to the depths Hollywood can sink?"

The film that kick-started independent films, epitomised 60s counterculture and of course, mystified us with that enigmatic phrase, "we blew it," is going to get a 21st-century makeover whether it likes it or not. The legendary Easy Rider is going to get a sequel.

And it gets worse. Not only is this crime against humanity appallingly titled Easy Rider A.D. – a half-arsed nomenclature which makes absolutely no sense – but is also coming from the makers of Tom Green vehicle, Freddy Got Fingered, a film so inexcusably awful it managed to garner not one but four Golden Raspberry awards last year for Worst Actor, Worst Director, Worst Screen Couple and Worst Screenplay. And that, as far as we’re concerned, was being generous.

So far Empire Online has only learned that the film will find Wyatt 'Captain America' Earp – originally portrayed by Peter Fonda – alive but in prison, falsely accused of the murder of George Hanson, who was so memorably played by Jack Nicholson in the 1969 classic. Apparently a new figure will be thrown into the plot, who proves Wyatt innocent and then sets off with him on a journey to once more try and find America. Fresh horrors from this travesty of a project will surely follow before shooting starts next Spring. Hollywood, hang your head in shame.

This news comes at the same time as the news of a stage musical version of King Kong! Give me strength!! :rolleyes:
 

Jerry_B

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Well, in the spirit of US-remakes of several English films, I think that Hugh Grant should take the leading role in remakes of all the classic John Wayne films. HG is popular with US audiences, and those old Westerns are showing their age now too, so I think the time is ripe to remake them ;)
 
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Anonymous

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Or we could just nuke Hollywood; it deserves it.
They turn up almost four years too late AGAIN and spend the next sixty years trying to cover up their guilty secret.
 
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Anonymous

Guest
Easy Rider 2: this time it's a flashback.

Realy! It reminds me of the other travisties Hollywood have made of American clasics: Night of the Hunter and Carnival of Souls anyone?

Don't nuke Sadam, nuke the studios. We can handel the aftermath if we know that they won't do this sort of thing again.
 
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Anonymous

Guest
We're just lucky he isn't going to wake up in the shower and realise it was all a dream...but noone would ever do anything as stupid as that.
 
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Anonymous

Guest
Inverurie Jones said:
We're just lucky he isn't going to wake up in the shower and realise it was all a dream...but noone would ever do anything as stupid as that.

Ha ha.

What was the plot line in The Days of our Lifes with alian abduction?

Then there's the hilarious Roswel subplot in The Man Who Wasn't There, pure genius. I raise my glass to those Cohen boys.
 

Jerry_B

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Wasn't the alien abduction plot in 'Die-Nasty' (as, IIRC, Kenny Everett used to call it)?
 
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Anonymous

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JerryB said:
Wasn't the alien abduction plot in 'Die-Nasty' (as, IIRC, Kenny Everett used to call it)?

Ah yes, Kenny Everett 'In my day we faught a war for men like you. And I didn't get one.'
 

Beakmoo

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jamesveldon said:
Then there's the hilarious Roswel subplot in The Man Who Wasn't There, pure genius. I raise my glass to those Cohen boys.
I don't remember that. When did that happen? :confused:
 
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Anonymous

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beakboo said:
I don't remember that. When did that happen? :confused:

the wife of the murderd man turns up at the door of the main character to tell him about what they saw one night while out camping in New Mexico. And then there's the end but I won't spoil that for any users of the board that havn't seen it.
 
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Anonymous

Guest
There was also a deleted scean in The Man Who Wasn't There where there was an ant people invasion.

Suposidly it's on the DVD. I'll have to buy that one.
 

James_H

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Inverurie Jones said:
Or we could just nuke Hollywood; it deserves it.
Succeed where the aliens in plan 9 from outer space failed
 
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Anonymous

Guest
Solaris is coming out in the US in November. Trailer here (Quicktime). Blurb;

'There are some places man is not ready to go.'

Couldn't agree more.
 
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