Endlessly Amazed
Endlessly, you know, amazed
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2020
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- 1,379
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- Arizona, USA
I don’t know the best place for this; mods please move if you wish.
Over the course of my life, I have had odd, instant convictions of something that would happen to me. I have only had five of these. These convictions were of both bad and good occurrences. These premonitions were out of the blue, mostly. I didn’t have to think about them or mentally elaborate on the theme. The fears of these specific events were not pre-existing as vague uneasiness which then developed into more specific fears. I think they are not symptoms of a generalized neurotic fear of the unknown because they were so specific, and so few in number. By contrast, I do not have specific fears of other unlikely events, and I have not, so far, had any specific fears which did not later come true.
Here they are, presented as my age when I had the premonition and my age when it occurred.
Age 7-8?: I would get a Ph.D. I heard my aunts and a cousin talking about someone who had a “P.H.D.” They did not know what this was or if it was a good thing. I was instantly convinced that I would have one – and I didn’t even know what it was! Age it happened to me: 48. It was an extremely unlikely achievement, considering my background. Many of my relatives never finished high school (I think this is secondary school for you UK folks). I have knuckle-dragging cousins, and family members who have been in prison and mental institutions.
Age 10: I would start and run my own company. At the time I had this conviction, I wasn’t even sure what it meant. I had never met anyone who owned his own company. I was raised by people who thought girls were to be quiet, pleasant, and obedient to men, and the women were to be this way, too. Age it happened to me: 45. My consulting career started a few years before this, but I was 45 when I incorporated a full “C” corporation and really ran with it. I ran the company until my financial goals were realized and, more importantly, it was no longer fun.
Age 11?: I would get cancer. I was listening to a conversation between two of my aunts, who were discussing a neighbor lady who was dying of cancer. My aunts viewed this as an “unclean”, shameful catastrophe. I never viewed cancer this way, but was sure I would get it, and it would come back to me several times. Age it happened to me: first at age 25, and most recently age 56. I have had two different types, both potentially life-ending and both had spread to other organs or areas before being detected. I may die of it, but oddly I don’t much care now. Terror to boredom.
Age 13: I would fall in love and plan to marry someone, and this person would be killed (not die of a disease) before the wedding. I had this utter conviction when I overheard a conversation about a young woman whose fiancée had died just before the wedding. Age it happened to me: 23. This came true for me when my fiancée was in a very unlikely accident and died within minutes. This was not a car accident. When I realized that I was falling in love with this person, I remembered the premonition from all those years ago, and wondered if I should end the relationship to save his life. Batshit crazy logic, but…it happened! (Also, a month before his death, I had a clear waking vision specifically warning me of what was going to happen; and then, the exact day and time of his death, I knew and experienced what was happening to him 60 miles away.) This one almost destroyed me, and permanently altered me.
Age 25: I would experience serious brain damage, to an extent of disrupting my life and severely limiting my ability to create oil paintings. This instant conviction happened when I was introduced to a new student in an art class. He was recovering from a several months-long coma, and had brain damage. He showed us what his ability was before the car accident, and he was both skilled and talented. He was to never regain his skills. Age it happened to me: 65, when I was very ill with Covid. Almost two years later, I have not regained my mental sharpness of thought nor my memory. The decades I spent promising myself I would devote myself to visual art making when I retired! I will still work at this, but I must be OK emotionally with the very real possibility that my art making is over. Grrr.
So what do I make of all this weirdness? I am glad to have had very early premonitions of serious life goals and challenges. It makes a pattern for me, perhaps only retrospectively. My inner life goals have always been to decide for myself, take charge of my life, take whatever happens and not be destroyed by it. I have found all these goals very very difficult to achieve. I only really achieved them in middle-age. The other goal – to make the world a better place – is an outer-directed goal and has been comparatively easy.
This pattern of challenges and goals seem to fit the life plan discussed by reincarnationists. I am inclined in that direction, but can offer no actual proof, only these few, odd, and specific premonitions which all came true. Of note is that these five premonitions started when I was a child and ended when I was 25. This plan of upcoming events was set decades in advance, perhaps before my birth.
Of course, comments welcome. If you have read this long essay, thanks
Over the course of my life, I have had odd, instant convictions of something that would happen to me. I have only had five of these. These convictions were of both bad and good occurrences. These premonitions were out of the blue, mostly. I didn’t have to think about them or mentally elaborate on the theme. The fears of these specific events were not pre-existing as vague uneasiness which then developed into more specific fears. I think they are not symptoms of a generalized neurotic fear of the unknown because they were so specific, and so few in number. By contrast, I do not have specific fears of other unlikely events, and I have not, so far, had any specific fears which did not later come true.
Here they are, presented as my age when I had the premonition and my age when it occurred.
Age 7-8?: I would get a Ph.D. I heard my aunts and a cousin talking about someone who had a “P.H.D.” They did not know what this was or if it was a good thing. I was instantly convinced that I would have one – and I didn’t even know what it was! Age it happened to me: 48. It was an extremely unlikely achievement, considering my background. Many of my relatives never finished high school (I think this is secondary school for you UK folks). I have knuckle-dragging cousins, and family members who have been in prison and mental institutions.
Age 10: I would start and run my own company. At the time I had this conviction, I wasn’t even sure what it meant. I had never met anyone who owned his own company. I was raised by people who thought girls were to be quiet, pleasant, and obedient to men, and the women were to be this way, too. Age it happened to me: 45. My consulting career started a few years before this, but I was 45 when I incorporated a full “C” corporation and really ran with it. I ran the company until my financial goals were realized and, more importantly, it was no longer fun.
Age 11?: I would get cancer. I was listening to a conversation between two of my aunts, who were discussing a neighbor lady who was dying of cancer. My aunts viewed this as an “unclean”, shameful catastrophe. I never viewed cancer this way, but was sure I would get it, and it would come back to me several times. Age it happened to me: first at age 25, and most recently age 56. I have had two different types, both potentially life-ending and both had spread to other organs or areas before being detected. I may die of it, but oddly I don’t much care now. Terror to boredom.
Age 13: I would fall in love and plan to marry someone, and this person would be killed (not die of a disease) before the wedding. I had this utter conviction when I overheard a conversation about a young woman whose fiancée had died just before the wedding. Age it happened to me: 23. This came true for me when my fiancée was in a very unlikely accident and died within minutes. This was not a car accident. When I realized that I was falling in love with this person, I remembered the premonition from all those years ago, and wondered if I should end the relationship to save his life. Batshit crazy logic, but…it happened! (Also, a month before his death, I had a clear waking vision specifically warning me of what was going to happen; and then, the exact day and time of his death, I knew and experienced what was happening to him 60 miles away.) This one almost destroyed me, and permanently altered me.
Age 25: I would experience serious brain damage, to an extent of disrupting my life and severely limiting my ability to create oil paintings. This instant conviction happened when I was introduced to a new student in an art class. He was recovering from a several months-long coma, and had brain damage. He showed us what his ability was before the car accident, and he was both skilled and talented. He was to never regain his skills. Age it happened to me: 65, when I was very ill with Covid. Almost two years later, I have not regained my mental sharpness of thought nor my memory. The decades I spent promising myself I would devote myself to visual art making when I retired! I will still work at this, but I must be OK emotionally with the very real possibility that my art making is over. Grrr.
So what do I make of all this weirdness? I am glad to have had very early premonitions of serious life goals and challenges. It makes a pattern for me, perhaps only retrospectively. My inner life goals have always been to decide for myself, take charge of my life, take whatever happens and not be destroyed by it. I have found all these goals very very difficult to achieve. I only really achieved them in middle-age. The other goal – to make the world a better place – is an outer-directed goal and has been comparatively easy.
This pattern of challenges and goals seem to fit the life plan discussed by reincarnationists. I am inclined in that direction, but can offer no actual proof, only these few, odd, and specific premonitions which all came true. Of note is that these five premonitions started when I was a child and ended when I was 25. This plan of upcoming events was set decades in advance, perhaps before my birth.
Of course, comments welcome. If you have read this long essay, thanks
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