All from Dennis Miller:
"Speaking of aliens, why are Americans so reluctant to welcome anybody
from Mexico and so enamored, witness the grosses for Independence Day,
of the idea of encountering creatures from another planet?"
"Now, true believers say that Area 51 is definitely hiding something
because if you go there, they won't let you in and they won't tell you
what they have there. You know why that is? Because it's a [bleep]in'
military installation, alright?! What, do you think that if you go to
Areas 1 through 50 you're gonna get a Chardonnay and some gouda? No
you're not! You're gonna get turned away faster than Roger Clinton
tryin' to get backstage at a Marilyn Manson concert!"
"Alright, occasionally bizarre patterns can be seen if you and Mike, the crop duster who dated Bee Benadara's lesbian daughter, Bobby Jo, fly over the fields out back of the Shady Rest. Some say it's a landing marker for aliens; I say it's Uncle Joe with an IV drip of grain alcohol and a Weedwacker."
"Another core-ingredient of UFO studies is the abduction by aliens.
Under hypnosis the abductees recollections all share the same
characteristics; long stretches of time unaccounted for, strange
bruises on the body, a suspicion of sexual violation. Is it just me or
does alien abduction sound amazingly like spring break?"
"Hey look, I'd be the first one to tell ya I would welcome aliens,
because quite frankly, I'm running out of people to despise on this
planet."
"To an extraterrestrial, Planet Earth at best would be like the Vince
Lombardi rest stop along the Jersey Turnpike. Chances are they stop
off here once to try to stretch their tiny gray limbs, pick up a nut
log and take a leak out of one of their 47 penises. But, on the
off-chance that there are super advanced alien beings out there
tonight interpreting this signal: First of all, thank you for
watching. And now, I want you to listen up, Caldar of Ramoula-Five:
When you do come here and abduct one of us, invariably, might I add,
one of us from a rural address, please... Stay out of our asses, okay?
There's nothing in our asses that will help you and your dying planet!
Life is tough enough out there in Grow Country without you
procto-naunts downing a couple cases of Zima and getting your moon
rocks off checking on Jethro's oil, okay?"
Polterdog.
