Rude Vegetables


Gone But Not Forgotten
Aug 7, 2001
Thought that might get your attention! :D

11:00 - 25 March 2006

Spring is officially here and now is the time when gardeners start dreaming of vegetables. Sleek, shiny, perfect vegetables; homegrown delights of delicious glory; horticultural monuments of prize-winning proportions??? Or, if a new nationwide competition grasps gardening imaginations, weird, misshapen and very ugly veg. That's what the National Trust is looking for from kitchen gardeners this year. Convoluted carrots, bent beetroots, scary scallions, freaky French beans, overly-curved cucumbers, crazy courgettes, potty potatoes - such will be the eventual prize-winners of the trust's new Ugly Veg Competition.

We have all seen spuds that have gone heart-shaped, carrots that have grown two legs and cucumbers that have tied themselves in knots - eccentric veg that are loathed and detested by supermarket buyers - but they're fun and most of us know such oddities are likely to taste far better than the faultless but flavourless offerings sold by the big stores.

Which is why the competition organisers thought they'd promote a little enjoyment in the real world of gardening where every pea is not perfect.

The trust's Mike Collins told the WMN: "The main two aims are to encourage people to grow their own veg in allotments or their own gardens. The whole activity can give people a wonderful sense of achievement - you've planted seeds and looked after them and harvested them - they taste great and the sense of achievement is fantastic.

"The other point is to challenge the whole notion of the perfect veg you find in shops. They are not necessarily the best. Vegetables naturally come in all shapes and sizes, but vegetables in shops have to conform because of the size of shelves and packaging. They might look nice, but strange-shaped veg can taste just as good if not better."

Gardeners who enter the competition will stand a chance to win a day with a professional National Trust gardener, and be offered one-to-one horticultural advice and have growing queries answered. Other prizes include: a veg box for a year, composters and organic picnics for schools.

"If you enter, you'll be sent growing hints and tips throughout the competition," says a trust spokesman. "We also have a list of useful websites which will help you grow the tastiest, ugliest veg imaginable. The Ugly Veg Competition aims to discover not only the ugliest veg but also the best growing experience and is open to individuals and schools throughout England. To show anyone of any age can do it, we have included categories for the under fives and over 65s."

John Lanyon, head gardener at the trust's property at Knightshayes, says: "Whenever you plant a crop you get the odd shaped one which has mutated - quite often it's caused by something physical like a hoe or a spade, or an insect has damaged the plant and it's kept on growing.

"Tomatoes, for instance, sometimes produce elongated bits almost like tentacles, you don't see them very often, but you can get all sorts of strange shapes. You have a bit of a chuckle and try to imagine what they look like - that's the fun of it.

"Courgettes and cucumbers, marrows and pumpkins - they're particularly good at becoming ugly veg," said John. "They tend to do it naturally with warts on and all. But, apart from doing nasty things to your veg, I'm not sure there's a guaranteed way of making them ugly. Stony ground would help with things like carrots???"
Aug 19, 2003
This is a bit rude!

A vegetable recreation of the leader of the House of Commons reclining during a debate has come second in a competition at an onion show.

Hester Feld entered "Jacob Leeks Mogg" into the Newent Onion Show's "Vegetable Character Over 17 Years" competition.

The North East Somerset MP was lampooned in memes earlier this month after slouching during a three-hour late-night debate on Brexit.

All edible members of the allium family star in the Gloucestershire show.

Other attractions at the vegetable show included a competition to see who could eat a raw onion in the fastest time



Carbon-based life form
Nov 20, 2012
Rude vegetables. Is there any other kind? :)

I have a vague memory from the 1990s of Viz offering a tenner to anyone who provided a photo of a rude veggie. I was never able to find a carrot sufficiently phallic to serve as a subject.