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Spam: Who Writes It?

Swifty said:
:) .. Ace, I'll have a bit of that!
*puts £1000 into disk drive and quickly emails it to Jim*
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*sends Swifty £1000 for secret instructions, known only to a select few, for nailing jello to ceiling*
 
Coal said:
*sends Swifty £1000 for secret instructions, known only to a select few, for nailing jello to ceiling*
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This jelly nailed to our ceilings is going to look brill with our meringue artexing Coal ! :)
 
May I suggest buying my book "Just Desserts: How to make your fortune by nailing sugary treats to walls"
 
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Seems legit o_O
 
Swifty said:
This jelly nailed to our ceilings is going to look brill with our meringue artexing Coal ! :)
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Good luck with that. It doesn't bother me because...

I'M EARNING OVER £95 AN HOUR WITH THIS FANTASTIC NEW FRANCHISE OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEEN INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT WITH A SAUSAGE AT WORK? THEN CONTACT US HERE AT 'I THINK I MAY HAVE BEEN INJURED BY A SAUSAGE AT WORK BUT I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE'. YOUR CALL WILL BE TREATED IN STRICTEST CONFIDENCE AND YOU COULD QUALIFY FOR A HUGE CASH PAYOUT!!!!!!!!!!!! WE SPECIALISE IN INCIDENTS RANGING FROM MILD STRANGULATION WITH A CUMBERLAND RING TO A POKE IN THE EYE WITH A WARM CHIPOLATA!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCOTS...WE ARE NOW RECRUITING STAFF TO DEAL WITH REGIONAL SQUARE SAUSAGE-RELATED ACCIDENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!
CALL US NOW...YOUR CLAIM COULD BE WORTH £££££S!!!!!!*

*But it probably won't.
 
I'm sorry Jim but I can't find any humour out of poor people who've suffered sausage related injuries at work FFS!.
 
I sprained my sausage in a freak photocopying accident at work and now walk with a lisp. How much can I expect?
 
hunck said:
I sprained my sausage in a freak photocopying accident at work and now walk with a lisp. How much can I expect?
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It depends on the type of sausage. If it's a Lincolnshire, you could be in for a large payout. If it was a generic Wall's .... not so much. Where there's a legal claim at stake you have to be more specific. A large, pendulous swollen black pudding is still a legal grey area despite our best efforts to have it included within our coverage. If you've suffered whiplash from a Toulouse, there are obviously negotiations with the French Embassy to consider in our fees.
 
I think I may have been miss sold one of those black puddings that's actually white for years Jim, as a consequence I've suffered whip lash of the verruca. Is one of those black puddings that's white classed as a sausage and would I be entitled to any compensation ?.
 
jimv1 said:
It depends on the type of sausage. If it's a Lincolnshire, you could be in for a large payout. If it was a generic Wall's .... not so much.
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They're not known for putting the best bits of the pig in their sausages, hence the old saying - Walls have ears.
 
Coal said:
Rubbish, they're long extinct and only a few small herds now remain, cultivated for tourists.
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Several years ago at a Robbie Burns Day celebration I listened with amusement as one guest took the pi** out of another guest when the conversation turned to the subject of haggis. The second guest had never previously attended such an event. The first guest insisted that the domesticated haggis was far superior to the feral variety and he went on a bit about the methods used in haggis farming. The second guest listened attentively. I don't know when, or even if, the penny ever dropped.
 
I was particularly excited to receive this one by email this morning.

The author obviously did not pay attention in his scammer school as he apparently attended Barrack Obama's inauguration last month along with President Goodluck Jonathan of Nigeria who has not been President of Nigeria for some time.

NIGERIAN POLICE FORCE
FRAUD/CONTRACT AND IDENTITY THEFT INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT
OFFICE OF THE INSPECTOR GENERAL OF POLICE
COMMAND FORCE HEADQUARTERS
LOUIS EDET HOUSE CENTRAL BUSINESS DISTRICT
ABUJA NIGERIA
EMAIL: [email protected]
Phone: +234-8170294100



Attn: Sir,

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN




We received an instruction memo and letter few days ago from the New
York Police Department in America that your consignment box was
freight by DHL diplomat Courier Company was stopped by the United
States Joint Patrol Team in the Transport and Security Administration
Department, the letter also made us to understand that your
consignment box is due for urgent repatriation back to Africa
yesterday, however as I write you now the consignment box has your
particulars as evidence of proof of ownership, and it was returned
back to Africa early hours of today, and was deposited to my station.

This notification letter report is based on the returned of your
consignment box,and you are urgently advise to give urgent attention
to this development, Well, I have also contacted DHL office
headquarters to know why all these happened and I now understand the
reason why the consignment box has been having problems on transit
while in an attempt to reach you, the problem is very simple, it was
because all these while, you guys never employ a police constable to
follow up the delivery with a Police certified Extract Clearance
Report, well, there is one way to which this box right here could
reach you without long stories again, and that way is first of all
getting a Police Extract of this your consignment box thereafter I
will personally bring it to your house or assign a Police Constable to
escort the consignment box to your house.


As a member of the Federal Executive Council, I to traveled to USA
with President Good Luck Jonathan of Nigeria to the Obama's
Presidential Inauguration last week assuming your consignment box came
to my office earlier than this, I would have come to the state along
with it. Meanwhile, The cost of getting this consignment to your
doorstep is nothing to be compared to what you had spent before, the
only protocol to be observed is for you to get the Police Extract
Clearance Report of the consignment box, and this clearance
certificate shall cost you the sum of $500 and this is the only money
you have to pay for the consignment to get to you, however If you can
rally round and get just only $500 i will help you with all that
processes therein, I will also help you get the Police Extract and
transport the consignment alongside the entourage of the presidential
convoy, though it will be stressful on me, but i can help you do it if
you can send the sum $500 as early as possible..


I will use the money to settle the pilot and some officials so that
nobody will disturb the movement as we come to meet you in your house.
Finally, remember that the Police is your friend help us to serve you
better. Kindly open the attached file to view my working ID card,
although under normal circumstance as a Police Chief, I am not
supposed to disclose my ID card to civilian, but due to the fact that
you need to be sure of whom you are dealing with, that is why I had to
scan and attach it for your pursual and verification.

Here is the name of the recipient for the payment.

RECEIVER'S NAME: AGATA DONA
DESTINATION: LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION: IN GOD
TEXT ANSWER: WE TRUST
AMOUNT: $500

If truely you want us to bring this consignment to your doorstep then
you have to find this money and send today to above given names so
that I can obtain a Police Extract Clearance that will enhance a
hitch-free delivery to your doorstep and the shipment shall be
delivered on sunday evening at your house, please also re-confirm your
personal home address and ID for easy identification upon arrival, I
shall also need to have your direct telephone number so that I can
call and reach you right from the airport.


1. YOUR FULL NAME..........................
2. YOUR TELEPHONE......
3. FAX...................................................
4. AGE...........
5. SEX....................................
6. YOUR OCCUPATION................................
7. YOUR ADDRESS........................

Thank you,
DIG HYACINTH DAGALA MEDGU,
ANTI-FRAUD SECTION The Anti-Fraud Section
Deputy Inspector General
of Force Head Quarters Abuja
 
I've had loads of scammy spammy emails lately regarding all sorts of money transfers. If I were such a high profile dignitary, I too would be concerned about exposing my person:

I can never be a part of evil; YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.
Please respect my discretion in this matter, you can send an email to me so that I can give you the Chase Bank information, the name and contact information of the officials of the bank where your fund will be transferred to you directly. I repeat, please do not expose my person, it is not easy to get jobs around here and I cannot contend with these powerful individuals because they can eliminate me just like that.
God bless you.
Best regards
( )
 
and this just in, in which my sewing skills are greatly exaggerated:

Dear Costumer

Your AppIe ID was used to sign in to iCIoud on a MacBook Pro 13".
Time: March 21, 2017
Operating System: OSX;10.9.1
 
Deadly Spam


Suicide bomber blown up prematurely by spam text
From correspondents in Moscow, DailyTelegraph
January 31, 2011 5:00am

A "BLACK Widow" suicide bomber who planned to detonate explosives in central Moscow was killed when a spam text message from her mobile-phone company set off the device early.

News of the botched New Year's Eve operation emerged yesterday as Russian security sources said they had identified the suicide bomber who killed 35 people at a Moscow airport last week.

[...]

The "Black Widow" bomber, who has not been named, had intended to detonate the explosives in a busy square on January 31.

[...]

Mobile phones are often used as detonators by Islamist terrorist groups in Russia.

A "handler" who watches the bomber as they move into the target area sends them a text message to detonate the explosives.

The phones, which have not been previously used, are usually kept turned off until the last minute.

More details:
https://www.couriermail.com.au/news...4ba596c36?sv=459a9ffdebd91db82a0cc251f26d7a9f
 
A guy a I knew who was a webmaster/owner of a string of American college girl type adult websites made serious money through spam.
Over the years, he collected and also bought mailing lists from other adult websites until he had a database with almost 10 million email addresses in it.
He'd buy a web hosting package from an offshore hosting company (for him that meant non U.S based) setup a bogus/throwaway domain and numerous email addresses and then let his mass mailing program go to work. He'd repeat this every week selling penis enlargers, viagra, fleshlights (big money in these when they were new) and adult toys, subscriptions to adult sites and even leads for household insurance.
It's just a numbers game, pure and simple. He'd only need a handful of takers each mailing to make a few hundred dollars though more often than not he was making thousands for less than 30 minutes of his time each week.
In the end he had his system so refined that he outsourced the work to people in Pakistan and paid them next to nothing, while he was buying houses with his profits.
 
Well it’s different. Sure they found some money and want some random stranger to look after it.

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