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Sticking Plaster On The Bottom

GNC

GNC

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Heard this one from my dad. Someone he knows, knows of a doctor from up Orkney way who liked a tipple, and one night on the way back home, he stumbled drunkenly and fell on the whisky bottle in his back pocket, breaking it. When he got back home and undressed for bed, he found he had cut his bottom, so fetched a sticking plaster and steadied himself in front of the full length mirror to apply it, then went to bed.

The next morning his wife rose before he did, and woke him up with a peculiar question - did he know why there was a plaster stuck to the mirror?

True or FOAF tale? Anyone heard that one?
 
This is one of the shaggy dog stories I used to tell my kids. First came across it in print somewhere as a young teenager in the early '70s and may heard Dave Allen tell it.
 
escargot said:
and may heard Dave Allen tell it.
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Exactly! What were your parents like, when it came to Dave Allen on TV late at night?

Mine were extremely split-brain about him...laughed at all his jokes, yet professed their disapproval of him. And made ineffectual efforts not to let him be seen by me or my sibs.

Same with Fawlty Towers, Monty Python, Dr Who etc etc.

If it wasn't Blue Peter/Jackanory, or was on after the 6 o'clock news, 'twas the devil's work. And if it was on after 9pm, it was worth contacting Mary Whitehouse by letter even before the programme started. Smut, surrealism & innuendo....that was everything on British TV of the 1970s. Thankfully....
 
GNC said:
...one night on the way back home, he stumbled drunkenly and fell on the whisky bottle in his back pocket, breaking it...
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At which point, the story diverges from my mum's version (bn. Perth, 1913), where the victim feels something running down his leg and says, "I hope tae Gawd that's blood!"

maximus otter
 
Goes back longer than I thought, then! I was sceptical because it must be difficult to break a curved bottle by sitting (or landing) on it, it would merely slip out from under you.
 
The version I heard was about an Irishman with a boil on his buttock. He decided to cover it with a plaster, and proceedings continue as above.

My version involved Paddy dropping his pants and backing carefully up to the mirror, plaster in hand, looking over one shoulder and concentrating hard...

I may have demonstrated. Kids used to be hysterical.
 
GNC said:
Goes back longer than I thought, then! I was sceptical because it must be difficult to break a curved bottle by sitting (or landing) on it, it would merely slip out from under you.
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I saw a very stupid girl put a glass under someone as they were sitting down and in reaching under to see what had gone 'crunch', the 'sitter' cut his hand badly on the already broken glass and I took then to outpatients for some nice stitches. Well, stitches anyway.
 
Coal said:
I saw a very stupid girl put a glass under someone as they were sitting down and in reaching under to see what had gone 'crunch', the 'sitter' cut his hand badly on the already broken glass and I took then to outpatients for some nice stitches. Well, stitches anyway.
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What a stupid stunt. A daft trick too.

My late mother in law used to tell a story about a female workmate who suffered severe internal injuries after colleagues loosened the seat on her work chair so she'd fall off. She slipped onto the exposed steel seat support with some force and things went badly after that.
Also, a workmate of mine told me about a man who tripped and fell backwards into a shop window display from where a dummy had been removed, leaving its stand behind which consisted of a flat plate with a 9" spike sticking up from it...
 
escargot said:
My late mother in law used to tell a story about a female workmate who suffered severe internal injuries after colleagues loosened the seat on her work chair so she'd fall off. She slipped onto the exposed steel seat support with some force and things went badly after that. Also, a workmate of mine told me about a man who tripped and fell backwards into a shop window display from where a dummy had been removed, leaving its stand behind which consisted of a flat plate with a 9" spike sticking up from it...
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Thx escargot. Nothing puts me in the Xmas spirit more than hearing about ghastly work-related accidental impalings. :jtease::rednose:
 
AlchoPwn said:
Thx escargot. Nothing puts me in the Xmas spirit more than hearing about ghastly work-related accidental impalings. :jtease::rednose:
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My work here is done. :cool:

Seriously, I could discuss this sort of thing all day. I bet Swifty has some stories too.
 
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