The Handy Tips Thread

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GeorgeP

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Tip No.11: D.I.Y

When decorating cover stubborn stains with a layer of white undercoat before you emulsion.
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip No.12: Healthy Diet

Love chocolate but need to improve you 5-a-day healthy eating plan? Start chewing on fruit and nut chocolate bars and that way you`ll kill two birds with one stone.
 
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GeorgeP

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tip No.13: Healthy Diet

Like your beer and fast food? Need a way to eat more healthily? Simple, when ordering your greasy kebab at chuck out time ask for double salad. This does two things that will benefit you: 1 - will soak up the grease & 2 - improves your 5-a-day intake. Oh, order a bottle of water too, this shall hydrate your body.
 

Shady

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Tip No.12: Healthy Diet

Love chocolate but need to improve you 5-a-day healthy eating plan? Start chewing on fruit and nut chocolate bars and that way you`ll kill two birds with one stone.
LOL i like the way you think and i should be careful and hide those stones, being a bird :p
 

Moooksta

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Tip


Well with that look on your face its seems to me that you have suffered in the past.

Turn that frown upside down Moooksta.


You'd be amazed at how few people want to play Cat's Cradle with me after I tell of my Top Tip.....
 
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GeorgeP

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You'd be amazed at how few people want to play Cat's Cradle with me after I tell of my Top Tip.....

anymore top tips mooksta? Im looking for such things as: how to split the Atom (you`d be good at that one!) or how to solve the financial crisis. :)
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip No.14: Doorstep salesman

To deter such encounters ignore the house work for a week and do not bath or shave. Next, with a red felt tip pen draw spots all over your face and arms,hands etc. Buy countless amounts of extra strong cheese and bury it under the sofa cushions. When the door bell rings welcome the visitor in and tell them your interested in their broadband offer.
The sales person will soon have your name/address details. When he has them shake their hand and apologize for your illness - chicken pox. Salesperson will make his excuses and leave in a hurry. Your details will be shared with other agencies who will black list your dogs-den of a house.
 

Bigphoot2

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Tip No.12: Healthy Diet

Love chocolate but need to improve you 5-a-day healthy eating plan? Start chewing on fruit and nut chocolate bars and that way you`ll kill two birds with one stone.

I always count Jaffa Cakes as part of my five a day
 

Mythopoeika

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I never invite them in.
 

Spudrick68

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Tip no. 15:
Wire tops from wine bottles make excellent bull bars for your pet tortoise.
 

Shady

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How do you get rid of them annoying 'knockers' they dont take no for an answer
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Mythopoeika

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Breast reduction surgery?
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip No.15: Parking

Struggling to find parking spaces or sick of paying for it. Simple, park where you like and then wrap police tape around your car.
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip 16: Cold Callers

Visit a toy shop and purchase a voice changing toy. The next time your phone rings and its "one of those numbers" grab the toy and answer the call. Speak through the toy - you will sound like a Cylon - act interested for awhile and then chant about invading the Earth. Goodbye caller!
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip 17: Doctors

Have you been advised to eat more fruit and lay off the bacon buttys? Befriend the owner of your local chip-shop, over a six month period groom him by complimenting his hot food. Then nip in one day with a orange, banana and pineapple - ask him to fry them in batter. He will feel compelled to try this out and use you has the test subject. Thus, an enjoyable way to eat fruit that will baffle your GP.
 

rynner2

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Look here, George, posting all your best material here is going to ruin your career as a stand-up comedian.

Oh, did I b*gger up the font again? :rolleyes:
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip 18: Illness

Feeling down, got the Flu? When the urge to sneeze or cough arrives sprinkle glitter into the palm of your hand and watch as pretty ikkle flashes of colour fill the air. That should lift your spirits, check the weather forecast though if your planning to do this outdoors.
 
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GeorgeP

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The last time such a topic came up for me I was threatened with being knocked off my perch :eek::eek::eek:
 

Swifty

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Convince your neighbours you have gone out by switching all your lights out and crawling about stealthily on all fours ..
 

David Plankton

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Tip No 1: Saving Electricity.

Attach a long piece of string to the end of your bed and the other end to the toilet seat. Then in the middle of the night simply slide the cleft of your buttocks along the piece of string until they connect with the toilet seat thus saving £££££'s ($$$$$$'s) by not turning on the lights.

Use it on the way back and you might save on bog roll as well. Also doubles as a nasty booby trap for ghosts that might be lurking in your bathroom.
 

Swifty

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... just so long as everyone knows we're all ripping off/ homaging VIZ magazine's top tips in this thread ... credit where credit's due and all ... ;)
 

Analogue Boy

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Planning on stealing a pair of shoes from my local Sports Direct? They keep the left ones on show downstairs and the right ones upstairs so here's how to do it.
Spend 3 months walking around the store at least 3 times a week with a pronounced limp until the staff become accustomed to your unusual gait. Then, on heist day, put on a shoe from the downstairs department and you will naturally limp upstairs where you will put on the matching shoe. Remember to maintain the affected limp on your way out.
 
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