The Handy Tips Thread

escargot

Disciple of Marduk
Joined
Aug 24, 2001
Messages
31,516
Reaction score
36,830
Points
309
Location
HM The Tower of London
I find it safer not to hug or kiss women in case they get all 'funny' about it.
Shaking hands is much less dangerous.
I can hardly believe anyone still hugs/kisses mere acquaintances but they do, don't they? What's wrong with a playful shoulder-punch?
 

Naughty_Felid

kneesy earsy nosey
Joined
Mar 11, 2008
Messages
8,071
Reaction score
10,510
Points
294
I can hardly believe anyone still hugs/kisses mere acquaintances but they do, don't they? What's wrong with a playful shoulder-punch?
Nah when greeting someone for the first time go in with a double hand shake and quickly turn it into a Chinese burn. Takes a bit of practice but it's worth it.

Either that or a headlock followed by a Noogie.


lol funnily enough I've just read that a Chinese Burn is known as a Policeman's Glove in the Nerthlerlands and "Pork's little hand" in Mexico (manita de puerco).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_school_pranks
 
Last edited:

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
29,744
Reaction score
42,819
Points
284
Viz Magazine has a section on useful tips.

My all time favourite is ...

Tea drinkers, save your used tea bags, when dried out they make an excellent pillow for your pet hamster
My all time favourite Viz top tip is:

"Fool your neighbours into thinking you are out by switching all your lights off and crawling about stealthily on all fours."
 

Mythopoeika

I am a meat popsicle
Joined
Sep 18, 2001
Messages
42,832
Reaction score
33,534
Points
309
Location
Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
The one I like is 'don't buy expensive carpet - buy a couple of carpet tiles and glue them to your feet'.
 

Mungoman

Mostly harmless...
Joined
Feb 25, 2010
Messages
2,589
Reaction score
4,305
Points
169
Location
In the Bush (Peak Hill, NSW)
A technique from a Chinese lady on how to fold shirts very quickly .. I'll be trying this later ..

Immediate response:

'Getthefuckoutahere!!

Second thought:

'How on earth did she discover that.'

Third thought:

'What a pity there's no shirt folding industry - a fellah could make a motza.'

Fourth thought:

'I've gotta watch that again...'
 

Spudrick68

Justified & Ancient
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
3,098
Reaction score
3,370
Points
169
Can't afford contact lenses? Cut out circles of cling film and stick them to your eyes.

The used wire frame from bottle tops make excellent bullbars for tortoises.
 

Swifty

doesn't negotiate with terriers
Joined
Sep 15, 2013
Messages
29,744
Reaction score
42,819
Points
284
You mean, like the Grolsch bottles?
You're thinking of the 80's band BROS .. when they used to wear those bottle tops on their shoes and it became fashionable for about 5 minutes .
 

Mythopoeika

I am a meat popsicle
Joined
Sep 18, 2001
Messages
42,832
Reaction score
33,534
Points
309
Location
Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar

Mythopoeika

I am a meat popsicle
Joined
Sep 18, 2001
Messages
42,832
Reaction score
33,534
Points
309
Location
Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
Excellent advice!
 

JamesWhitehead

Piffle Prospector
Joined
Aug 2, 2001
Messages
13,336
Reaction score
12,195
Points
309
Save your used posts from May as when they are dry they make an excellent pillow for Message Board readers! :cynic:
 

hunck

Antediluvian
Joined
Jul 13, 2011
Messages
5,610
Reaction score
7,832
Points
284
Location
Hobbs End
This is one from the early days of broadband:

Convince neighbours opposite you have broadband by staring at a light in the corner of the room whilst tapping on a piece of wood & masturbating furiously.
 

XBergMann

Fear not, I mean no harm to your planet
Joined
Jul 22, 2009
Messages
418
Reaction score
766
Points
109
Save your used posts from May as when they are dry they make an excellent pillow for Message Board readers! :cynic:
Yes you are quite correct I posted the exact same comment in May 2017 ... does that make me a bot?
 

Mythopoeika

I am a meat popsicle
Joined
Sep 18, 2001
Messages
42,832
Reaction score
33,534
Points
309
Location
Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
A belter from this months Viz:

Vinyl record enthusiasts! .. running out of space to store all of your favourite music? .. save room by simply replacing all of your records with modern compact discs.
Haha, they didn't mention digital. But that was the joke.
 
Top