The Handy Tips Thread

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GeorgeP

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Planning on stealing a pair of shoes from my local Sports Direct? They keep the left ones on show downstairs and the right ones upstairs so here's how to do it.
Spend 3 months walking around the store at least 3 times a week with a pronounced limp until the staff become accustomed to your unusual gait. Then, on heist day, put on a shoe from the downstairs department and you will naturally limp upstairs where you will put on the matching shoe. Remember to maintain the affected limp on your way out.

Are you some kind of bad ass criminal?
 

Analogue Boy

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Pretend you're competing in an episode of Bargain Hunt by popping into your local charity shop and buying 5 naff items for a tenner. Then sell them for three quid.
 

Analogue Boy

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Confuse colleagues in important business meetings by opening a tin of tuna and then put a Jaffa cake on top.
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip No.21: Robbing a Bank

First monitor the bank for months paying attention to who arrives and leaves, checking times when it opens and closes etc. Wear a disguise and arrive at a time in the day when its not too busy. Carry a club/gun/taser and raid the joint. Be thankful for the disguise when it dawns on you that you've staked out a river bank for the last six months - you numpty!
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip No.22: Business Meetings

Make these boring rituals more entertaining by adding stealthy "humms" in reply to the speakers riff-raff. With practice you`ll increase the number of humm noises without being noticed and it may result in a promotion.
 

Analogue Boy

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Convince people you're standing for a local election by always wearing a rosette and talking only through a loudhailer.
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip No.23: Hose Pipe Ban

Cant use the hose anymore? Purchase 8 2 ltr bottles of supermarket brand water. Stand in the front garden and make it clear your filling your watering can with said purchase. Say hello to passes by etc. When water runs out, unscrew another bottle in public and repeat. At night fill up the used bottles from your tap. Easy!
 

Analogue Boy

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Make every trip around the supermarket seem like a walk on the beach by filling your shoes with sand and holding a shell to your ear.
 
G

GeorgeP

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Tip No.24: Free Food

Need to fill your larder with food? Find some old clothes and place them in a sack. Go for a walk and head towards a farmers field, now find a hiding place and dress in the other clothes. Crawl onto a potato/carrot field and stand erect with arms outstretched and wait for nightfall (no pain, no gain) Gather up as much as you can carry in the sack and then head home. Your current outfit now acts as a disguise to aid your stealthy return home. Repeat when needed.
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip No.25: Traffic Wardens

Use the "Im lost" trick. Put on an accent and fling a map at the warden. Ask for directions and then look at your watch. Your late, tell the warden you`ll move after making a call to apologize to your boss/customer. If the warden lingers around act angry and argue to the imaginary person on the phone. Climb into your vehicle loudly stating that your on your way now. If that fails to deter him jump out of your vehicle and shout to him that youve got to wait now for a call and take some copper out of your pocket. Head towards the paypoint and drop the coins. Swear loudly and make the warden aware that your having a bad day.
 
G

GeorgeP

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Tip No.26 A Clean Drive

Fed up with your drive looking green and grubby? Every time you wash the dishes simply pour the soapy water along your drive.
 
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GeorgeP

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Tip No.27: Tastier Chips

If you fry your chips in fat try adding a spoon full of vinegar to the mix.
 

ramonmercado

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Pretend you're competing in an episode of Bargain Hunt by popping into your local charity shop and buying 5 naff items for a tenner. Then sell them for three quid.

I actually buy books for 50c in 1 charity shop and then give them to Oxfam who sell them for €2 - €3.
 

Swifty

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I actually buy books for 50c in 1 charity shop and then give them to Oxfam who sell them for €2 - €3.

Where's the euro symbol button on my computer then? ... it's a silly looking E shape? ... please convert me!!.. give me an E please Bob ...:)
 
G

GeorgeP

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Tip No.28: Research

Use the internet and stick with Google - forget Bing & all those other offerings as they are all shite.
 
G

GeorgeP

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Pressing the ALT key with other keys allows you to do create stuff like this:

SddO2.gif
 
G

GeorgeP

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But at the end of the day, the those pics are far superior to anything possible with Microsoft paint.
 

Swifty

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But at the end of the day, the those pics are far superior to anything possible with Microsoft paint.

The internet is made from cats and sellotape ... when will people learn? ..
 
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GeorgeP

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The internet is made from cats and sellotape ... when will people learn? ..

...I think theres some voltage involved too. I can almost hear the Cats Protection League rushing to their phones!..
 

Mythopoeika

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Tip No. 69: Cut the cost of taking a dump

Stop spending all of your money on bog roll - discipline your bowel movements to do their thing only at your place of work. Win-win!
 

Graylien

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Well, or you could just steal ... oh, hang on a minute..

That's better. As I was saying, oh hang on..

As I was saying, you could just steal your bog roll from public
conveniences. You know, the type that's just like greaseproof paper from the 1970s.
 
G

GeorgeP

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As always Mythopoeika has made a grave error. He failed to have a few spare rolls in the house for when visitors call. So imagine their horror upon entering his bathroom and finding a guy stood there. A guy who likes taking selfies with a rather dusty looking cardboard tube.
 

Mythopoeika

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As always Mythopoeika has made a grave error. He failed to have a few spare rolls in the house for when visitors call. So imagine their horror upon entering his bathroom and finding a guy stood there. A guy who likes taking selfies with a rather dusty looking cardboard tube.

I have that one covered - if they need the loo, I drive them to my office... :p
 
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