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The Queen & Poo

Lollypockets said:
I had a friend who was a footman at the palace and he said there was a line put down that no one could pass when her maj was in the bog as past this point her doings would become audible.

However, rather than it being a banana dumped down the toilet to ascertain said audible point, he told me it was someone pouring a mug of water instead.

Seems a bit odd as my movements can have varying decibelage. Sometimes they wouldn't frighten a nervous mouse asleep on the toilet roll holder in a little bed made from an old jumbo sized box of matches padded with tissues and sometimes you'd have to evacuate the surrounding streets and warn the British Geological Survey.

I wonder if she then has to use a sliding scale?

"One is full of Balti and lager - could you ask that nice Mr Mandela to vacated the guest bedroom for half an hour?"
 
When Charles and the bimbo visited Kingston, they paved *one* side of one street--the one they'd be riding over for, oh, three or four minutes. :roll:
 
One story I suspect is bunk but would love to be true: the person who told it to me unsurprisingly, insists it is and certainly worked at the place at the time.
The Queen was visiting a major Midland factory about 40 years ago. Unlike many such royal visits she actually availed herself of the facilities provided but perhaps smelt a rat because as she gracefully continued her way round the plant two junior maintenance men, both plumbers were hauled before the MD and summarily dismissed. The story goes that they had rigged up a system to divert the 'Richard the Third's' on their regal passage and were intent on selling the noble stock to the highest bidder.

It's certainly the case that esteemed locals are expected to provide 'courtesy facilities' for other members of the Royal Family on their visits. One I know of who was tabled last year for the duty, had her hall carpeted and a new bog installed just in case. No royal wee though. Bit of a scam really.
 
What's the rule about the Queen hearing other people poo? Is there a toilet ban when she's in the building? Surely nobody can be allowed to use the loo before she arrives in case they leave a smell behind?

Everybody says that you can't imagine the Queen on the toilet having a poo. Well, I can. In fact, I can see her gripping the toilet roll holder with beads of sweat running down her face, her crown on a angle and her stockings gathered around her ankles. Go on Madge!!
 
Good god! The images that evokes! I'll never look at a picture of her Majesty again without envisioning--no, I cannot! The horror! The horror!
 
Ringo said:
Is there a toilet ban when she's in the building? Surely nobody can be allowed to use the loo before she arrives in case they leave a smell behind?
"No, Your Maj, I wouldn't recommend using that one. Old Thrad's just been in there - it'll be out of bounds for at least an hour!"
 
Obviously the woman never suffers from IBS, when you have to make a dash for any toilet, no matter how rank :roll: Lucky her.
 
Tyger Lily said:
And also, the test to see if the Pope is dead is to knock him on the forehead with a silver hammer, call his baptismal name 3 times and if he doesn't reply, that's it! It's official, he's karked it. Not good if he's been eating toffee pennies or the like. I mean, who thinks of these things? A committee?
JurekB said:
The best pope story I've heard is that when a new pope is crowned or whatever it is you do to make someone a pope, he sits on a throne with a hole cut out of the seat. Then a senior bishop sticks his hand through the hole and checks that the pope is in fact a bloke.

They've been doing this ever since the Catholic church accidently made a woman pope many hundreds of years ago apparently.

I'm sure it's absolute hogwash but a great story nonetheless.
Popbitch, my most reliable news source, had special Pope issue some weeks ago. Among other stories were these two:


">> Stop! Hammer time! <<
How to tell if your pope is dead

Every pope has a chief of staff, called the
Camerlengo. When a pope dies, the Camerlengo must
certify that he is indeed dead. The ritual
tradition is to strike him on the forehead with
a silver hammer, call his baptismal name
three times and place a cloth over his mouth.
If the pope does not respond, the Camerlengo
declares him dead, authorizes a death certificate
and then seals the papal living apartments.

Later, the silver hammer is used to scratch and
break the papal ring and seal, so no documents
can be forged in his name."


">> Papal bull <<
It's not just the ring that gets kissed

The Vatican is still annoyed about Pope Joan,
the female pope who passed herself off as a
man, only to be rumbled and put to death when
she gave birth to the son of a fellow Cardinal
in her accession procession.

To prevent any repetition, the candidate chosen
as the new Pontiff has to sit naked on a special
marble throne in the Vatican. The Cardinals
assemble in a room below the throne, and look up
through a hole to check that all is as
it should be.

Once satisfied with the Holy Nutsack, they
then incant in Latin, "he has testicles and
they hang well'."
 
There used to be a myth. That the QE II had glass pipes attached to the royal toilet. So the staff could check the Queen's waste. But after talking to ex ratings who served on the ship the story turned out to be a load of crap
 
RAF Queen's Flight has Royal Poo

Rumour has it that there is a Royal Poo on display in the Queen's Flight Airmen's Crew Room at RAF Northolt. Can anyone confirm?
 
How much will the contents of a royal flush fetch on eBay, I wonder? And what about other celebrities?
 
I think they decided a while back that if it contains DNA then it's classed as a body part and therefore you can't auction it. At least that was their rationale when they cancelled an auction for a sweet that had allegedly been sucked by Swartzenegger or someone like that.

I'm imagine too it's illegal to post in most countries.
 
Ok, how weird is this? This is the first time I have read this thread, and reading all this stuff about the Pope is strange, because HE JUST DIED TODAY........ And soon, after the white smoke goes up, a naked Cardinal will sit on a chair with no seat........




No offense or disrespect intended.
 
During a tour of the Royal Festival Hall in 1986, the guide rather proudly showed us the designated Queen's Khazi. Quite unimpressive at first; plain cream-painted concrete walls and a nasty lino floor. He than told us that the RFH decked it out in special portable wood panelling with all the acoutrements and a brand new carpet on every Royal visit. he didn't mention an ermine-trimmed seat cover, but I wouldn't put it past her. The guide then finished off by telling the group (largely made up of foreign students) that if anyone felt like a tinkle, now was the time, as they could go home and tell their folks that they'd "been" in the Royal Loo!

Not a poo story, but I remember that when Brenda visited a youth hostel in the Lake District, the Lakes Region of the YHA blew pretty much their entire repairs and renewals budget for the year on doing the place up. Maybe Billy Connelly is right, and she does think the whole world smells of fresh paint 'cos everywhere she goes there's some frantic bloke ten feet ahead with a pot and brush! Anyway, for the visit, there were more MI5 men in the building than hostel staff, and the "members of the public" who were supposedly staying there that night were actually all staff from other lakes hostels who'd been drafted in, after being thoroughly vetted to make sure that they'd behave!
 
Johnnyboy said:
During a tour of the Royal Festival Hall in 1986, the guide rather proudly showed us the designated Queen's Khazi. Quite unimpressive at first; plain cream-painted concrete walls and a nasty lino floor. He than told us that the RFH decked it out in special portable wood panelling with all the acoutrements and a brand new carpet on every Royal visit. he didn't mention an ermine-trimmed seat cover, but I wouldn't put it past her. The guide then finished off by telling the group (largely made up of foreign students) that if anyone felt like a tinkle, now was the time, as they could go home and tell their folks that they'd "been" in the Royal Loo!

I've 'been' in a Royal loo too. Only prob is, I can't remember where it was!
I was a teenager at the time, and we were all walking around an old mansion (the owner was our guide). I needed to go, so the owner suggested that I use the loo they keep for the rare occasions when the Queen visits. It was a rare, still-working Victorian loo!
 
One enormous shit produced by the queen is regularly on display.
In fact he's getting married on Saturday...
 
Legend has it that the officers mess (!) at Dartford navy Collage has a jar with either Princess Ann's or The Duke Of Edinborough's poo in it (which is posible as both have attended passing out parades there etc)... it haveing been fished out of a "royal loo" after a visit..... i wonder if that was the inspiration of the poo in Pracilla Queen Of The Desert?

I never even knew we had a naval college, let alone royal poo.
 
I've had a pee in one of the Queen's loos.
Well, actually, it wasn't owned by the Queen. I was on holiday with my folks when I was a teenager, and we visited this big old mansion that was open to the public (and here my memory fails me, because I don't remember which old mansion it was). They didn't have many visitors that day and their loo for public use was broken, so the lady of the manor very kindly allowed us to use the loo reserved for the Queen (for her very rare visits).
 
I've had a pee in one of the Queen's loos.
Well, actually, it wasn't owned by the Queen. I was on holiday with my folks when I was a teenager, and we visited this big old mansion that was open to the public (and here my memory fails me, because I don't remember which old mansion it was). They didn't have many visitors that day and their loo for public use was broken, so the lady of the manor very kindly allowed us to use the loo reserved for the Queen (for her very rare visits).

This could be the start of a new thread - notable toilets I have pissed or shat in.
 
I went to Sandringham a few years back with my parents and my Mum secretly nicked a toilet roll from the place and proudly presented it to me as we were driving away .. it was velvety and soft.
 
I've had a pee in one of the Queen's loos.
Well, actually, it wasn't owned by the Queen. I was on holiday with my folks when I was a teenager, and we visited this big old mansion that was open to the public (and here my memory fails me, because I don't remember which old mansion it was). They didn't have many visitors that day and their loo for public use was broken, so the lady of the manor very kindly allowed us to use the loo reserved for the Queen (for her very rare visits).

Heh. While I've always been amused by jokes about the Royal This or the Royal That (like the Royal Fuse Box in Help! with the crest on it.) But somehow I'm shocked that someone would have a toilet reserved for the Queen. Maybe because it seems indelicate to suggest she has bodily functions? :p
 
But somehow I'm shocked that someone would have a toilet reserved for the Queen. Maybe because it seems indelicate to suggest she has bodily functions? :p
One of my early girl friends was a Catholic who went to a convent school (before we met, I hasten to add!) She said most of the girls believed the nuns were too pure somehow to need a toilet. Until the day she caught sight of a nun coming out of a cubicle...
 
This could be the start of a new thread - notable toilets I have pissed or shat in.

There may indeed already be such a thread. I can remember recounting certain lavatorial escapades in detail, having travelled widely and taken a keen interest in such matters. :eek:
 
Heh. While I've always been amused by jokes about the Royal This or the Royal That (like the Royal Fuse Box in Help! with the crest on it.) But somehow I'm shocked that someone would have a toilet reserved for the Queen. Maybe because it seems indelicate to suggest she has bodily functions? :p
AFAIK, it was originally built for Queen Victoria. It was an excellent example of Victorian engineering, perfectly preserved.
 
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