The Really Crap Excuses Thread

rynner2

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#63
Drugged-up Driver Mathew Braddon from Saltash blames tracksuit bottoms for crash
By CMJohannaCarr | Posted: December 23, 2016

A drugged-up driver from Cornwall who crashed into a block of flats blamed his tracksuit bottoms for the carnage he caused.
Mathew Braddon, aged 28, of Briansway, Saltash had smoked cannabis but said his "trackies" made him drive a Ford Focus into two parked cars and a building in Plymouth.

Eight residents in St Levan Road had to be rehomed overnight amid fears the block was no longer stable, a court heard.
The busy street was also closed as emergency services dealt with the accident in October last year.

Braddon denied driving while unfit through drugs and without due care and attention but he was convicted at a trial in his absence by Plymouth magistrates in May.
He appealed his conviction to the Crown Court but failed to show up.
A judge, sitting with two magistrates fresh to the case, reviewed the evidence and threw out the case.
Braddon is left with the original fine and driving ban and now must pay an additional £420 for the appeal. :evil:

Nick Lewin, for the Crown Prosecution Service, read a transcript of the interview Braddon gave police the day after the crash on October 7 last year.

Braddon said: "My trackies were twisted underneath me. I sorted my trackies out and as I have done so, I have veered to the left."
Braddon admitted he had smoked cannabis before the accident and failed a roadside impairment test.

The court heard he had just over what is now the legal limit for cannabis in his blood five hours after the crash – though the legislation was not then in place.
Braddon told the police: "Just because you have cannabis in your blood, it does not mean you are stoned."

etc...

http://www.cornwalllive.com/drugged...ms-for-crash/story-30006035-detail/story.html

It was the wrong trousers, Grommit! :p
 

OneWingedBird

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#65
One of those 'sociopath' directors, no doubt.
I used to know a guy who claimed to be a company director, sounded great until you figured out it was his own company which had no employees, no contracts and no business. So essentially, well, imaginary. I think he might have lived with his mum too.
 

Mythopoeika

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#66
I used to know a guy who claimed to be a company director, sounded great until you figured out it was his own company which had no employees, no contracts and no business. So essentially, well, imaginary. I think he might have lived with his mum too.
Hmmm. That sounds a bit like me, when I was self-employed for a while. I was director of my own one-man technical writing company for almost 2 years. Had some business, then business dried up.
 

EnolaGaia

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#67
Hmmm. That sounds a bit like me, when I was self-employed for a while. I was director of my own one-man technical writing company for almost 2 years. Had some business, then business dried up.
Similar story here ...

I'm the self-titled 'principal' in my one-man consulting firm, a registered federal supplier / contractor enterprise. This is the latest phase of a working life 'ephemeralization' process that dates back to the end of the last century.

First I transitioned from a full-time on-site employee of a major corporation to a full-time employee authorized to be a part-time telecommuter. Later I became an authorized 100% telecommuter, as the work stream dropped to part-time. After being laid off during a work drought, it became apparent I wouldn't be re-hired with the all-important benefits on a part-time basis, and the end clients let it be known they wanted me to remain in the mix. So I set up an LLC configured as a sole proprietorship.

Compared with the point at which this progression began, I'm still working with the same colleagues, on the same extended series of projects, for the same customers / clients, and receiving the same or even more income. I'm now closing out my 3rd full tax year under this latest arrangement, and I'm contracted to continue into 2018.

An increasing number of professionals (particularly technically-skilled senior workers) are following similar paths from corporate employment to flexible self-employment, and for federal contracting you need at least a minimally documented 'company' (however ephemeral itself) as your personal storefront.

I suspect this trend will continue, and a lot more individuals will be able to at least technically claim to be executives, albeit of micro-enterprises no larger than themselves.
 

EnolaGaia

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#69
But you can have business cards printed that list another string to your enterprise as 'Lion Tamer'.
There is that.
True - provided your situation is one in which marketing is necessary, and your target audience isn't put off by tangential frivolities.

Neither of these factors is in play in my current situation. I'm hugely thankful for not having to market myself, and I'm quite comfortable with not advertising my wicked sense of humor 'up front'.
 

Swifty

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#72
Her rabbit Bobbie died, she was give a week off work ... I can only assume they hate 'Dave', that other manager for her to have pulled this skive off .. misunderstanding my arse .. funny though when you get to the punchline ..

 
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rynner2

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#73
Motorist claims dog ate his glasses after driving dangerously from Hayle to Chiverton Cross
Peter Johnstone, Reporter

A Penzance pensioner caught driving erratically with full beam headlights and forcing other motorists to swerve told magistrates his dog ate his glasses and he had a bad cough.
Ian John Maclaren, 74, of Penmere Road, pleaded guilty at Truro Magistrates' Court to dangerous driving, having been reported to the police by a concerned member of the public who followed him.

Magistrates heard that although he should have been wearing his distance glasses to drive, he was not doing so as his dog had eaten them. His car’s steering could also have been affected because the vehicle was overloaded with hundreds of telephone books in the boot.

McLaren, who had no previous convictions, was given an eight week prison sentence suspended for a year and banned from driving for two years and until he passes an extended driving test. He had to pay £200 in costs and charges.

etc...

http://www.falmouthpacket.co.uk/new...rously_from_Hayle_to_Chiverton_Cross/?ref=rss
 

Cochise

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#77
Motorist claims dog ate his glasses after driving dangerously from Hayle to Chiverton Cross
Peter Johnstone, Reporter

A Penzance pensioner caught driving erratically with full beam headlights and forcing other motorists to swerve told magistrates his dog ate his glasses and he had a bad cough.
Ian John Maclaren, 74, of Penmere Road, pleaded guilty at Truro Magistrates' Court to dangerous driving, having been reported to the police by a concerned member of the public who followed him.

Magistrates heard that although he should have been wearing his distance glasses to drive, he was not doing so as his dog had eaten them. His car’s steering could also have been affected because the vehicle was overloaded with hundreds of telephone books in the boot.

McLaren, who had no previous convictions, was given an eight week prison sentence suspended for a year and banned from driving for two years and until he passes an extended driving test. He had to pay £200 in costs and charges.

etc...

http://www.falmouthpacket.co.uk/new...rously_from_Hayle_to_Chiverton_Cross/?ref=rss

Sorry, just spotted a line in this which no-one seems to have noticed "His car’s steering could also have been affected because the vehicle was overloaded with hundreds of telephone books in the boot" WTF?
 

EnolaGaia

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#79
Here's a timely warning for you folks in the UK ... :btime:

Alien sightings are no excuse for filing your tax return late
As Britain’s deadline for annual tax returns looms, revenue authorities have warned they will be keeping a sharp lookout for any mention of aliens.

Seeking to encourage taxpayers to file their returns by Jan. 31, Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) gave some examples on Wednesday of excuses for lateness it had received and rejected.

“I couldn’t file my return on time as my wife has been seeing aliens and won’t let me enter the house,” was one explanation that did not pass muster.

HMRC officials were equally unimpressed with someone who said their ex-wife had left the tax return upstairs and they couldn’t retrieve it because they suffered from vertigo. ...
FULL STORY: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-...for-filing-your-tax-return-late-idUSKBN1F61QS
 
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#80
Motorist claims dog ate his glasses after driving dangerously from Hayle to Chiverton Cross...
I'm afraid that when a guy I was working with over the summer mumbled to me one morning that his dog had eaten his teeth my response was to all but piss myself laughing.

However, apparently, it's not that uncommon. The dog sees you put something regularly in your mouth, assumes it's food, and then snaffles the morsel when the opportunity arises.

So, I'm wondering if this driver had the not uncommon habit of, when circumstances required that he temporarily remove them, holding his spectacles by gripping one of the arms with his teeth. In which case, it might not be as surreal an excuse as it at first sounds.
 

Analogue Boy

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#81
Worth a go.
Sorry, I can’t come to work cos I’m a God now.


An Indian worker has repeatedly refused to go to work as he says he is the 10th incarnation of the deity Vishnu.


Rameshchandra Fefar, an engineer from the Indian state of Gujarat, told his boss he was god incarnate after being questioned over his poor workplace attendance.

Mr Fefar, who has only worked 16 days in the last eight months, said: 'I am Lord Vishnu's 10th incarnation as Kalki.

'I am doing penance at home by entering into the fifth dimension to change the global conscience.

'This work I cannot do in the office. Thus I don't remain physically present in the office.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5752977/Indian-worker-tells-boss-come-office-tenth-incarnation-VISHNU.html#
 

EnolaGaia

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#84
I'm not sure how drunk you have to be to think it's wise to use the excuse this guy offered police ... :roll:

A Distinction Without A Difference
Driver told cops he only drank bourbon at stop signs, signals


... An inebriated motorist assured Florida police that he was not drinking while driving, but only swigging from a bottle of Jim Beam bourbon when his vehicle paused at stop signs and traffic signals, according to a police report.

Earle Gustavas Stevens, 69, was arrested two weeks ago for driving his Mercury Grand Marquis while under the influence. The Vero Beach resident, now free on $1500 bond in advance of a July 31 arraignment, was nabbed after a driver called 911 to report that Stevens’s car repeatedly tapped her bumper while they were in a McDonald’s drive-thru lane.

When a sheriff’s deputy contacted Stevens, he reeked of alcohol, was slurring his words, and had ”red and glossy” eyes. On the Mercury’s passenger seat was a bottle of Jim Beam, from which Stevens admitted he had been drinking.

Asked if he was drinking in the auto, Stevens replied, “No.” He then explained he was enjoying the bourbon at “Stop signs.” The deputy further noted Stevens’s distinction when it came to drinking while driving: “He further explained that he was not drinking while the car was moving and only when he stopped for stop signs and traffic signals.”

Stevens was arrested after failing a series of field sobriety tests, as first reported by Will Greenlee of Treasure Coast Newspapers. A breath test recorded Stevens’s blood alcohol content at nearly twice the legal limit.

In addition to a drunk driving charge, Stevens was cited for driving without a license. ...
SOURCE: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/drunk/vero-beach-jim-beam-285073
 
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EnolaGaia

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#85
If you have to blame someone fictional, it may as well be a ghost ...

Louisiana Man Tells Cops That A Ghost Planted Meth On Him
After police found methamphetamine “in plain view” on a nightstand in his home, a Louisiana man claimed that a ghost placed the narcotics in his residence, according to an arrest report.

Responding to a reported stabbing, sheriff’s deputies early yesterday encountered Michael Auttonberry, 59, at the door of his West Monroe residence. Auttonberry ... cursed at cops and “people who were obviously not there.”

Deputies quickly determined that Auttonberry had not, as he claimed in a 911 call, been “stabbed on the head by an axe.” Nor were there any intruders inside his home.

While making sure that Auttonberry’s residence was clear, a deputy spotted “in plain view on a night stand a open brown paper containing approximately 1 gram of suspected methamphetamine.” A subsequent search of Auttonberry yielded a pill bottle containing another gram of meth.

Auttonberry surmised that a "ghost or intruders" placed the meth on him and were exiting the home through a nearby window. “Which was not accurate,” investigators noted.

Auttonberry was arrested on a felony narcotics possession charge and a misdemeanor criminal mischief count. He is being held in the Ouachita Parish jail in lieu of $5000 bond.
SOURCE: http://thesmokinggun.com/buster/ghost/meth-ghost-story-829645
 

Yithian

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#86
Perhaps overcautious, but I've changed 'sh*te' in the thread title to 'crap'. I'm not sure that SEARCH handles asterisks well--it turned up an odd selection of results.
 

maximus otter

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#87
Man claims drugs found up his arse “weren’t his”:

A Pennsylvania inmate has lost an appeal after claiming drugs found hidden in his buttocks belonged to someone else.




Edwin Greco Wylie-Biggs became the subject of a strip search when a corrections officer saw another inmate pass something to him at the State Correctional Institution Fayette.

The 36-year-old was ordered to bend over and spread his buttocks, which is when searchers found a small plastic bag sticking out of his rectum.

Inside that bag was a blue balloon containing synthetic marijuana, also known as K2.

In April, a judge sentenced Wylie-Biggs, of Clarion, to an extra three to six years in prison for possessing contraband.

But Wylie-Biggs appealed the charge on the grounds that Pennsylvania prison officials didn't prove the synthetic marijuana was his.

However, Senior Judge William Platt concluded that the state provided sufficient evidence that Wylie-Biggs did in fact have an illegal substance.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...loses-appeal-claiming-drugs-butt-not-his.html

maximus otter
 
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hunck

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#89
One of my favourites is the one used by the 'fake sign language' man at Nelson Mandela's funeral - "I was hallucinating & saw angels".
 

EnolaGaia

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#90
This news story provides a noteworthy crap excuses storyline because:

(a) It offers a rare example of a crap excuse-giver's subsequent recantation (of sorts), and
(b) It provides an even more rare case of two crap excuses given for a single incident.*

(The second / later one being the crap excuse for the virtual recantation - wanting to save his own seemingly sorry life ... )

Husband who claimed cold medicine made him stab his wife 123 times pleads guilty to her murder
Matthew Phelps, 29, was arrested at his Raleigh home on Sept. 1, 2017, after he called the police to report that his wife, 29-year-old Lauren Phelps, had been murdered and that he may have killed her.

"I have blood all over me and there's a bloody knife on the bed, and I think I did it," Phelps told a 911 dispatcher at the time. "I can't believe this."

Phelps also told authorities that he had taken Coricidin Cough & Cold medicine because he was having trouble sleeping and that he could not remember what happened that night.

The body of Lauren Phelps was discovered in the fetal position inside of the recently-married couple's home, and a later autopsy report revealed she had been stabbed 123 times in her face, neck, torso, arms and jugular vein.

... Friends told investigators that the couple often argued over Phelps' spending habits and that Lauren had planned to end the marriage.

Prosecutors said on Friday that prior to the 911 call, Phelps had made a "calculated effort" to clean up his wife's blood, which they say discredits his theory that he was mentally incapacitated by the cold medicine.

A blood test also revealed that the levels of cough medicine chemicals in Phelp's blood on the night of the murder was not high enough to cause hallucinations.

Phelps originally pleaded not guilty to his wife's murder, but changed his plea on Friday "to avoid the possibility of death," ...

He will serve a life sentence without the possibility of parole.
SOURCE: https://www.yahoo.com/news/husband-claimed-cold-medicine-made-161922026.html
 
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