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The Strangest Thing You've Woken Up With

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Anonymous

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The "human brain found on the way home from the pub" story reminded me of some of my own exploits after closing time. As a student (or just a pisshead) it was customary to nick something on the way home, which in the cold light of the morning in some cases seemed very odd indeed.
My favourite was when I returned home with a car seat somehow. I must have carried it a hell of a long way, and I'm really not sure how I got it - it was bloody heavy too. An unpleasant addition was that in the dark I didn't notice a large dog's egg on it (at least, I think it was a dog). Other additions were one of those flashing beacons you get on a skip, and a friend of mine managed to get one of those flags which are flown at the entrance to newly-built housing estates - it was the one with the dog holidng a slipper in its mouth and it was bloody huge. I remember a FOAF tale about someone managing a stuffed ostrich from a bar somewhere.

Any other tales of drunken larceny?
 
after celebrating a successful presentation at uni in the morning i once engaged in a 'yard of ale' competition and went home feeling ill at about 4pm to an empty flat. I woke up at about 9pm and wasn't sure if i needed to go back to bed or back into uni until i realised it was the same evening. Can't remember being sick in about three or four different places in the flat though :confused:
 
A friend of mine woke up one afternoon of a weekend, to find a selection of traffic cones in his living room. He later discovered, from friends that he had carried them, one on top of the other, on his head, for two miles whilst walking home from the pub
 
I once awoke after a night's pleasant imbibement fully dressed in bed with my jeans somehow stuck painfully to the back of my thigh.
Careful investigation revealed a crude letter 'M' cut into the flesh, which had bled profusely and then presumably been sat on.

All I could remember was a roller-skating Boy George with whom I linked arms and staggered towards home.

I think I'd used a public lav which had a screwed-on wooden seat, from which a screw was protruding, and had perhaps fallen off a couple of times. I don't recall any pants-down blood-brother ceremonies!

Funny that it was an 'M', though, as I was boozing that night with my brother Mark........

I also rolled up very late one night with a large colour TV, a Chinese meal and a tomcat!
 
When I was a student a popular theft was one (or more) of those flashing lights they used to have to warn of the location of road works or similar hazards. Every student mantlepiece used to be graced with at least one of these useful items.

Carole
 
That reminds me I once woke up wearing nothing but a pair of shoes :confused:

I think this stealing of items whilst under the influence may explain the concept of Boggarts. These little people who like a good night out on the sauce, then vanish with your car keys whilst staggering home from a tiny pub in the skirtingboard. The next day they wake up with their prize in a state of utter confusion, before a guilty conscience leads them to give it back.
 
The bloke I went out with for most of my university career got absolutely bladdered one night, so I helped him to bed, removed coat and shoes, threw duvet over him and left him to sleep it off (honest!)

The next morning he awoke with not a stitch on and accused me of doing the dirty deed!

Carole
 
For some unknown reason, I have a back yard full of traffic cones...
These have multiplied over the years since my student days...It's quite a thriving colony.
Friends of mine have polaroids of me wearing them...
:confused:

...strange thing is, they now appear of their own accord, even when I haven't been out on the p1ss! I woke up a few weeks ago to find a new 'orphan' on my car roof, like a surreal police light...

Am I doomed to accumulate traffic cones?
 
Traffic cones and beacons, hmmm, they are there for a PURPOSE you know.........

One night a BF of mine went out on the ale with his brother. All went well until they staggered across a dug-up road from which all the cones etc had been filched.

Dave fell down the hole, breaking his leg in several places.
Steve reeled on down the street unaware of Dave's accident.

Dave managed to drag himself to the edge of the hole and called out pathetically, 'Steve! Help! I've had an accident!'

Steve turned round, saw what appeared to be Dave's disembodied head looking at him from the tarmac, and immediately ran off screaming into the night.

A marginally less p*ssed companion witnessed these events and raised the alarm. When he'd finished laughing.
 
splinters in my hip.

i remember being thrown into the barstools and dragged along the dance floor.
 
A normally abstemious chum in University had got himself totally
out-of-it on cheap ale at a Common Room Booze up. We found him
quite legless on a corridor and assisted him back to his room. There,
we helped him undress and went on to strip the whole room of
everything which could conceivably cover his nakedness the next day.
The curtains were taken off their hooks and all blankets removed.
Every last stitch of clothing was removed from his cupboards and
drawers. He stirred a little during this process and asked for some
water - several glasses got spilled on the way to his mouth.

The next day he did eventually find a neighbour who took pity on his
plight and let him borrow some trousers etc. We restored all his
belongings but he remained puzzled about the soaking mattress.
Surely he had not wet the bed! No, we assured him, we had just been
unable to prevent a passing party of amorous rugger buggers from
spilling their liquid passion on his sleeping form.

You would have to have seen Tony to realise just how unlikely this
was. But I don't think we ever told him the truth.

The oddest thing I personally woke up with I am not going to tell you
but on my morning after my twenty-first birthday, I awoke in my
remote cottage with a stinking hangover to find all my clothes covered
with chalk dust. My mind was a blank. A few flash-backs came to me
during the next day but it was a few days before I learned the
horrible truth about what had happened when I had polished off around
sixteen of the twenty-one lined-up drinks.

Staggering towards the toilet, I had interrupted the game of some darts
players. Instead of graciously apologizing - as I normally would to
blokes armed with lethal weapons - I had assured them that they were
pig-ignorant peasants who could kiss my arse. I was then bodily lifted
and hustled outside - presumably not for an arse-kissing session.

Luckily my friends intervened to point out that kicking seven kinds of
brown stuff out of a paralytic drunk idiot was not the best entertainment.
They got me into the back of a van while the chalky-handed darts players
debated this matter. I thought I had heard the worst of it. But it turned
out that being dropped at my house, I had insisted on kissing all of my
deliverers, assuring them of my undying love. Well they had saved my
life - probably. :rolleyes:
 
James Whitehead said:
But we had been
unable to prevent a passing party of notorious pink oboists from
venting their passion on his sleeping form.

Umm....curiouser and curiouser...:(

:confused:
 
James Whitehead said:
we had just been
unable to prevent a passing party of amorous rugger buggers from
spilling their liquid passion on his sleeping form.

And curiouser
 
The best story I ever heard of this type was this:

A friend of mine was a nurse and lived one of those nurses homes that are a bit like a student halls of residence. Well there was this one girl that for some reason no-one liked so they decided to play a trick on her. One group went out to get her very drunk whilst the others arrange the trick.
This home was on about five floors, all of which were identical. As were the rooms and the furniture in the rooms. This girls room was on the top floor and one of the group had the room in the same place on the ground floor. So they swapped the contents of the two rooms.
They then brought the drunk girl back and took her up and down in the lift until she was compleatly confussed as to which floor she was on. They the led her back to "her room". The girl was in there, quite happy and convinced that this was her top floor room, when they pushed her out of the window. Of course she screamed very loudly and fell about two feet!


I once when to a house party of a very rich guy. His country house was huge and split into a number of wings. One corridor was blocked off by a armchair. One guy in search of somewhere to sleep wandered up this corridor and got into a bed.
Only to wake up the next morning to find that he was in bed with the hosts grandmother who lived in a wing of the house
 
I was talking about this thread with a friend, who told me she woke last weekend to find a half-pint glass in her handbag. I know that's not very fortean, but it made me laugh anyway.
 
I made off with the biggest, most golden, shiney bauble from the cricket club's christmas tree one year. I don't even know why I was there I'm not even a member.
 
liveinabin said:
The girl was in there, quite happy and convinced that this was her top floor room, when they pushed her out of the window. Of course she screamed very loudly and fell about two feet!
I've heard this story too, and it was related to me at college as fact regarding a large "tower block" style hall of residence at the university I was at. The story varied slightly in that they took the poor drunken chap up and down several times in the lift, before chucking him through the window. Apparently he struggled like hell :devil:

Other studenty pranks I've heard was how a mini was dissassembled and reassembled in someone's room.
 
Well, one of my mates woke up in the billet in Gibraltar to find he had procured a traffic cone. I found I had procured a female member of the unit and someone, somewhere had acquired the guy from the next bed.
The first bloke mentioned also took a sheep to the halls of residence one night, but he photographed it with that day's newspaper and returned it to wherever he'd found it, so he only woke up with the photo, not he sheep. He would have had a lot of explaining to do otherwise.
 
Traffic Cones

Here's some pics of traffic cones that our posse has acquired:
acr.sized.jpg

Rachel sporting a lovely specimen


acs.sized.jpg

The same cone on my friend's porch (I apologise for the bluriness, the photographer had had somewhat too much to drink).



aaq.sized.jpg

An earlier and somewhat smaller example.
 
Some things I've woken up with...
Numerous traffic cones...
A huge road sign saying 'No Left Turn'...
A 4' long plank of 6"x3"...
A bar stool...
Vomit stained trousers(all too frequently)...
Pint and shot glasses...
A swollen uvula (the punchbag thing at the back of your throat)...
 
I once woke up with my front teeth in the breast pocket of my jacket :eek!!!!: Apparently I had been at a party, had imbibed rather too much (I was 16) and, when a girl I fancied arrived, I turned around to speak to her, lost my balance and bounced facefirst off the corner of the fridge :cross eye
Obviously, this was all related to me later, as i had, and still have, absolutely no memory of the events!
 
A friend of mine was camping and woke up in the morning with a very heavy tombstone!

I personally have found that traffic cones make good door stops.

My favorite was my wanted for murder poster that I nicked from Oxford Road !
My Dad, when at Uni nicked off with a six foot cardboard tiger from an Esso station. My brother had a very impressive collection of calling cards, a traffic wardens tie (I dunno how it was parted from the traffic warden) and a chair from a restaurant.

Another group of students nicked one of those lighted bollards you sometimes find in road islands. This was nicked complete with concrete base and taken home on the bus.
 
I woke up one morning after a bit of a sesh. After a few moments, I realised that something sharp was digging into my thigh.
I pulled back the duvet to reveal my prize weather loach, who in a bid to escape my cold water fish tank next to the bed, had propelled himself into free fall once free from the water (no lid on tank) and had landed on the bed.

This must have been during the previous morning, but due to the dark and my state of blah when i got into bed, he went un noticed only to petrify into a hard curled up thing.

I remember how hard it was trying to flush him down the loo, he kept floating, which is odd.
 
He may well have been still alive quicksilver. I had a weather loach who made a habit of escaping his tank. So much so that he was christened harry, after the great houdini. Many was the time I'd find him dried out and apparently lifeless, but just popped him back in the tank and within a few seconds he would be swimming around right as rain.
 
after a heavy sesh whilst at uni a mate of mine woke up in bed with about 50 Dime bars, after the same night i woke up at 3am at Levenshulme train station in Manchester....i did say it'd been a heavy sesh....seein as i lived in Bolton at the time and Levenshulme is in completely the wrong direction....
strangest things i've woken up with include;
a Pizza Hut sign
a camera (still not developed the film, god knows what's on it...)
a pc hard drive (a mate of mine still does't know it was me, lucky he doesn't come on here)
a stone lion (which i took back to the house where it belonged)

there was a time when i woke up and couldn't find my shoes, only to discover them 2 weeks later down the back of my wardrobe, god knows what was going through my head at the time...
 
The first bloke mentioned also took a sheep to the halls of residence one night, but he photographed it with that day's newspaper and returned it to wherever he'd found it, so he only woke up with the photo, not he sheep.

I knew someone at uni who in freshers week said they went back to their flat, encountered a sheep in the lift, and ended up walking into someone elses flat by mistake on the same night:eek!!!!:
 
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