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EnolaGaia

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My condolences, CN, on the loss of your daughter-in-law.

FWIW ... Here's my advice, based on 60 years of funerals for family and friends ...

I was 8 years old when I attended my first funeral (great-grandmother; whose death I'd understood to be inevitable). Granted, my first funeral didn't involve as personally traumatic a loss as the loss of a mother (which would stress me to the limit decades later).

Still ... I'd recommend your granddaughter attend at some time or in some fashion, even if limited to a private visitation / viewing separate from the main schedule of events.

It comes down to this ... It's a significant event in your granddaughter's life, and one which will affect the remaining course of her life. In the long run, it will be important that your granddaughter witnesses it first-hand (to some extent) and knows it's real. It's not really about learning of death and funerals. It's about confirming something beyond all doubt, so that second-guessing / what-iffing is forever prevented and healing can proceed with a confidence that there's no point in looking back and wondering (or wishing some opportunity had not been missed).

There are no second chances or do-overs for witnessing this.

Just make a point to keep a relative with her at all times who can quietly escort her away if she gets to a point where she can't handle it. I'm willing to bet she can handle it better than you suspect.
 
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Frideswide

Fortea Morgana :) PeteByrdie certificated Princess
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@Comfortably Numb Please accept my condolences.

In my family all children go to funerals. Nobody describes them as distressing or articulates they they won;t cope or attempts to soft soap anything. But most of us are people of faith so that comes into it.

If it's open casket they come into the room and are held up but at a distance so that they have seen a dead person and know it's nothing to worry about. If they want to go closer to look, and maybe give a kiss then this is facilitated.

For the service, burial or whatever, they come in as part of a group with a beloved and trusted adult. If they want to leave they are taken out and prpaised and fussed over. Usually they come back in.

Our blunt openness seems to avoid problems later. YMMV.

Again, please accept my condolences.
 

skinny

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It's not really about learning of death and funerals. It's about confirming something beyond all doubt, so that second-guessing / what-iffing is forever prevented and healing can proceed with a confidence that there's no point in looking back and wondering (or wishing some opportunity had not been missed).
sage
 
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@Comfortably Numb
If it's open casket they come into the room and are held up but at a distance so that they have seen a dead person and know it's nothing to worry about. If they want to go closer to look, and maybe give a kiss then this is facilitated.
No....

Just no...

Tbank you for so astutely highlighting my predicament.

Ran this scenario past my daughter last night. Donna understood the intrinsic intention and remarked it reminded of an episode from, 'Still Game'. :)

'Grampa, what's that big box?'.

'It's a coffin and mummy's body's in there'.

'We could go to see her if you like... she'll only just have started decomposing...'.

[...]

'Grampa, why is mummy's coffin going through a curtain now?'.

'There's a big, roaring, furnace and mummy's going to be set on fire!!

'Good job she's already dead, eh...'.

'Then, you can hold what's called an urn'.

'Is there anything inside it, Grampa'.

'It's what's left of mummy after she's been set on fire. There might be bits of ash from the coffin there as well... I'm not sure...'.


Doubtless an extremity... or is it?

I'm simply uncertain and all the feedback is helping enormously.
 
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FWIW ... Here's my advice, based on 60 years of funerals for family and friends ...

[...]

Just make a point to keep a relative with her at all times who can quietly escort her away if she gets to a point where she can't handle it. I'm willing to bet she can handle it better than you suspect.
That last sentence is decisive for me. Can't thank you enough. :)
 

Krepostnoi

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@Comfortably Numb I'm very sorry for your loss.

FWIW, and I realise the circumstances and the individuals involved are different, my elder daughter was 6 when my paternal grandfather died. She came to the service and the committal at the crematorium, and handled it all very well. A couple of days later, my dad told me how much strength it had given him to have her there. So whilst I think the advice is good to make sure she has a trusted family member on hand to support her, don't underestimate the contribution she might actively make in terms of supporting other people.

I definitely think she should be offered the chance to attend, with the opportunity to withdraw and rejoin as she feels necessary.

Holding you and yours in the light.
 
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Good fiends... I mean friends...

Had a profoundly traumatic past couple of weeks and ongoing.

My daughter-in-law pased away on Saturday...

Pretty sure I had mentioned having received some dire news.

That would be the Doctor informing Nicola, she had only a few weeks, at best, to live.

Just been surreal.

However, Nicola had been so ill, for so long... massively comforting to all, she's suffering no longer.

Aforesaid duly acknowledged, could fair go a wee nightcap. :badge:

A copious single malt of your choosing, good barkeeper...

Jukebox... been a long time ... go on then, your appropriate shout...

Might be here for a while... :)


My condolences, take care.
 

GingerTabby

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@Comfortably Numb I'm very sorry for your loss.

FWIW, and I realise the circumstances and the individuals involved are different, my elder daughter was 6 when my paternal grandfather died. She came to the service and the committal at the crematorium, and handled it all very well. A couple of days later, my dad told me how much strength it had given him to have her there. So whilst I think the advice is good to make sure she has a trusted family member on hand to support her, don't underestimate the contribution she might actively make in terms of supporting other people.

I definitely think she should be offered the chance to attend, with the opportunity to withdraw and rejoin as she feels necessary.

Holding you and yours in the light.
Excellent point, Krepostnoi.

My father died when I was 11. I did not go to the funeral. I regret this eternally.
I've heard similar sentiments from people whose loved ones chose not to have a funeral. Without exception, the bereaved relatives said they wish there had been an opportunity to bid a formal farewell to the person. Like gordonrutter, I would be concerned that if she doesn't attend the funeral she may regret it later in life.
 
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My family have asked if I would please express their sincere gratitude for the most thoughtful and helpful comments.

We are all now reassured that my 8-y-o granddaughter absolutely should attend her mother's funeral.

I'm sure she will ultimately be sufficiently resilient. There's an inherent Fortean spirit within - this from her latest project with my daughter... :cool2:

Screenshot_20200224_012824_compress74.jpg
 

Cochise

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On a slightly different tack (I have insomnia tonight and this is the only place I can get a drink) can I just say how much I appreciate this forum and all the folk who drink - sorry contribute - here? Even those who have severely opposing opinions to my own. The Mods obviously deserve credit for keeping the place civilised, but I think among virtually all regular contributors there is genuine goodwill and a preparedness to at least give the other person a hearing.

Y'all are a major reason why I am still approximately sane.

Next round's on me.
 
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Y'all are a major reason why I am still approximately sane.

Next round's on me.
Insomnia is becoming my middle name. :)

I'll have a wee glass of...

Funnily enough, was thinking about the drinks which were popular when I was a part-time barman, in the local British Legion - many years ago!

pilsner
malt beer ('Breaker')
pale ale
cider & blackcurrant
cider & Babycham
cider & lager - alias 'snakebite'
black & tan (pale ale & stout)
lager and lime
rum & peppermint

I shall have a pale ale, please. :beer:
 

Cochise

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"Light and Bitter" was my drink in my teenage years.

There was a terrible drink in one of the pubs I used to frequent which was half of cider, a bottle of Barley Wine (third of a pint) and topped up with a Pernod and Black. Some people managed several of them. Whether they ever recovered was another matter. My wife used to serve in the said pub and found it all rather entertaining as 'macho males' reduced themselves to idiots drinking the stuff.
 
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It was ahatever became of...
There was a terrible drink in one of the pubs I used to frequent which was half of cider, a bottle of Barley Wine (third of a pint) and topped up with a Pernod and Black.
At the local, annual, Hawick and Selkirk 'Common Riding' festivals, from around 6:00 a.m. when they kick off, the tradition is to drink...

...rum and milk...

I am squeamish at the very thought...

Screenshot_20200224_021529_compress10.jpg
 

Mythopoeika

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Insomnia is becoming my middle name. :)

I'll have a wee glass of...

Funnily enough, was thinking about the drinks which were popular when I was a part-time barman, in the local British Legion - many years ago!

pilsner
malt beer ('Breaker')
pale ale
cider & blackcurrant
cider & Babycham
cider & lager - alias 'snakebite'
black & tan (pale ale & stout)
lager and lime
rum & peppermint

I shall have a pale ale, please. :beer:
I remember 'snakebite'. It was horrible.
 

Stillill

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My family have asked if I would please express their sincere gratitude for the most thoughtful and helpful comments.

We are all now reassured that my 8-y-o granddaughter absolutely should attend her mother's funeral.

I'm sure she will ultimately be sufficiently resilient. There's an inherent Fortean spirit within - this from her latest project with my daughter... :cool2:

View attachment 23473
I think you have definitely made the correct decision.
 

Swifty

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I remember 'snakebite'. It was horrible.
Remember snakebite and black? .. when all the goths used to drink it? ..

I remember stepping over a goth on his back after a few of those sometime in the 80's and joking "Look out! ..there's a dead goth!" .. he was strong though because he reached up, grabbed my favourite shirt and tore it.
 

Mythopoeika

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Remember snakebite and black? .. when all the goths used to drink it? ..

I remember stepping over a goth on his back after a few of those sometime in the 80's and joking "Look out! ..there's a dead goth!" .. he was strong though because he reached up, grabbed my favourite shirt and tore it.
I had it once. I was a goth at the time.
 

tuco

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Remember snakebite and black? .. when all the goths used to drink it? ..

I remember stepping over a goth on his back after a few of those sometime in the 80's and joking "Look out! ..there's a dead goth!" .. he was strong though because he reached up, grabbed my favourite shirt and tore it.
I'm a very 'happy drunk', the one time I drank pernod, I broke my best friends nose ( didn't remember it ), found out years later my father broke his best friends arm with a fence post after drinking pernod, so must be a 'genes' thing.
 
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