Three Perfect Wishes

MrRING

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#1
Are there three wishes that we could come up with that could not be messed up/misinterpreted badly by any angry genie or soul-swaping devil?

Because often stories like the Monkey's Paw (or any of a host of 70's horror comics) that deal with people selling their soul usually involve somebody who thinks they have a foolproof wish only to see it misinterpreted to their extreme detriment.

This is of course theoretical, unless somebody can find a wish dispensing genie or care to lose a lil' bit of soul - but I think it would be interesting to see if we could come up with some foolproof wishes.
 

escargot

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#2
Pyecraft

HG Wells story about a bloke who uses magic to lose weight.

'Weight' is exactly what he loses- he becomes weightless, not thin, and while remaining fat he has to be anchored down to avoid blowing away.



:eek:

I suppose you could ask for-

1. Moderately more willpower (to help with weight loss, quitting smoking etc).
2. Just a little good luck when gambling.
3. Rain to be postponed from your days off to more acceptable times.

Or-
1. For your pets to have road sense.
2. For your garden to thrive.
3. For your hair not to go grey.

Or-
1. For whales and dolphins to know where the hazards were so they could avoid beaching, tuna nets etc.
2. For flies to hate being indoors.
3. For TV satellite reception to be always reliable.

There, not asking too much or tempting fate! :cool:
 
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#3
How about using the first wish as a guarantee.

"I wish that my next two wishes will be granted in the spirit and manner in which they were asked..."

Cue me, running to the most long-winded, small-print loving lawyer I can find as soon as a Genie pops out at me.
 
A

Anonymous

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#4
Now an evil genie would grant your wishes thus:

Originally posted by escargot

1. Moderately more willpower (to help with weight loss, quitting smoking etc).
You would be given "moderately more willpower" than a fig i.e. none

2. Just a little good luck when gambling.
"Just a little good luck" but a lot of bad luck!

3. Rain to be postponed from your days off to more acceptable times.
Every time you stepped outside to goto work you'd be caught in a freak monsoon and completely soaked

Or-
1. For your pets to have road sense.
Your pets would be given your road sense and you would be left running out in front of cars with no idea for your own safety

2. For your garden to thrive.
Thrive = turn into a complete Amazonian rainforest complete with a native tribe of cannibals, snakes etc

3. For your hair not to go grey.
Hairs goes bright pink then falls out

Or-
1. For whales and dolphins to know where the hazards were so they could avoid beaching, tuna nets etc.
Whales and dolphins realise the genocidal tendencies of humans and start attacking swimmers and boats. Eventually humans react by wiping out vicious oceanic mammals

2. For flies to hate being indoors.
Trapped household flies go beserk in houses and attack household residents with renewed vigour

3. For TV satellite reception to be always reliable.
TV satellite would not work ever again, in a very reliable fashion

There, not asking too much or tempting fate! :cool:
 

evilsprout

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#5
Are you indeed the Wishmaster, Siruiss?!

My wish would be "I wish you weren't an evil/dodgy genie who's going to wilfully misinterpret my wishes in a mischievous and/or evil/dodgy manner"

Then I'd wish for unlimited wishes. Then a few mad ones for a laugh. Then money, women, omnipotent power, nothing fancy like.
 

SoundDust

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#6
Evilsprout said:
Are you indeed the Wishmaster, Siruiss?!

My wish would be "I wish you weren't an evil/dodgy genie who's going to wilfully misinterpret my wishes in a mischievous and/or evil/dodgy manner"

Then I'd wish for unlimited wishes. Then a few mad ones for a laugh. Then money, women, omnipotent power, nothing fancy like.
No, then YOU'd be made into the genie and wouldn't be able to make wishes yourself . . . you'll then become angry and start misinterpreting peoples wishes in a mischievous and/or evil/dodgy manner":D


you can't go far wrong with "10 million pounds" surely?
 

wembley8

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#7
THis is why legally binding agreements tend to run to many pages. Given a sufficiently good lawyer, you might just be able to draw up something that would work, and with small print to exclude the nastiness.

But remember - you're dealing with the devil here, and he's got all the really good lawyers...:D
 
A

Anonymous

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#10
For your hair not to go grey. Hairs goes bright pink then falls out

For TV satellite reception to be always reliable.
TV satellite would not work ever again, in a very reliable fashion

:laughing: :rofl: :laughing:
 

OneWingedBird

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#11
The X-Files did this one in a later season though I don't recall the episode name.

Mulder meets the Djinn character and wishes for world peace, only to find that every other human being on the planet has vanished. He has to use his second wish to cancel out the first.

Then Scully comes round and finds him typing out his last wish in dissertation form(!) to try and cover every clause the Djinn could use to shaft him. In the end he gives up and makes a different wish altogether, I won't spoil it for anyone planning on watching the show.

Marie
 

MrRING

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#12
I remember that X-Files episode, and the twist (which is out of the Arabian Nights, IIRC)!

Now, I wonder if there are evil takes on these wishes:

1) I want the people in my life to be happier.

2) I want all the gold coins from the richest Spanish treasure ship sunk during the oldest days of piracy not thus far discovered.

3) I want to have all the powers of Superman, and none of the weaknesses.
 

escargot

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#13
1) I want the people in my life to be happier.

Everyone you've ever met enjoys a huge, wordwide party- they become so happy that they forget all about you


2) I want all the gold coins from the richest Spanish treasure ship sunk during the oldest days of piracy not thus far discovered.

On your roof?

3) I want to have all the powers of Superman, and none of the weaknesses.

This problem was explored a few years ago when the 'New Adventures' were on TV.
Superman is an alien and so physically incompatible with humans. For example, during sex his super-sperm are likely to travel with such speed and power that they burst out of the middle of his partner's back, causing irreparable spinal damage. :eek:
 

Anome

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#14
escargot said:
This problem was explored a few years ago when the 'New Adventures' were on TV.
Superman is an alien and so physically incompatible with humans. For example, during sex his super-sperm are likely to travel with such speed and power that they burst out of the middle of his partner's back, causing irreparable spinal damage. :eek:
Actually, this was most famously explored in the 60s by Larry Niven in his essay Man of Steel: Woman of Kleenex, in which he examines various scenarios by which Superman could attempt to continue the Kryptonian race, including impregnating his cousin, Supergirl, carrying the foetus himself, and so forth.

Of course, given that you already believe that Superman can fly, travel through space and time unprotected, exude heat rays from his eyes, and frost on his breath, and that he can see through most objects, why is it such a stretch to believe that he can successfully mate with an Earth woman, without any complications?

Back on topic: How about "I wish no evil or harm to come to anything as a result of my wishes"? Worst case scenario is that your next two wishes don't have any effect at all. At least you're no worse off.
 

wembley8

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#15
Aw, it wouldn;t even take a trainee devil for this one...

"1) I want the people in my life to be happier."

And everyone else is unhappy. Guess what happens next?

"2) I want all the gold coins from the richest Spanish treasure ship sunk during the oldest days of piracy not thus far discovered."

You get slung in prison. That gold does not belong to you.
Or maybe you just get killed by treaure thieves - your choice.

"3) I want to have all the powers of Superman, and none of the weaknesses"

You mean 'weaknesses' like honesty, goodness, and an irrational attachment to Earth?
 

wembley8

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#16
"How about "I wish no evil or harm to come to anything as a result of my wishes"? Worst case scenario is that your next two wishes don't have any effect at all. At least you're no worse off."

No, worst case is that the genie/devil has a very different idea of evil/harm to you.

Turning people into trees, for example - it can make them happy and free from all earthly cares and worries while giving them an extended lifespan, but you might not be happy with it.

On the other hand, the genie might figure that the only way of preventing ANY harm from happening as a result would be to place the universe in a state of suspended animation, because everything has evil consequences (however small) as well as good ones.
 

Spookyangel

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#18
BlackRiverFalls said:
The X-Files did this one in a later season though I don't recall the episode name.
Je Souhaite. :)

You'd have to make sure you found a non-sneaky genie, as whatever wish you made, there'd be some way out of it.
 

MrSnowman

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#19
This Wish Agreement has been made on the date _______ 2003 between the parties The Arabian Genie ("the Transferor") and Snowman X ("the Transferee")

WHEREBY

1. Definitions

The following terms shall mean:

1.1 "anything else" - any other animate or inanimate objects, life forms of any kind (to include the living and the dead and the undead), or any other conceivable entity, object, region or space.

1.2 "the Transferor" - Arabian Genie, bestower of wishes.

1.3 "the Transferee" - Snowman X, recipient of said wishes.

1.4 "the wish" - an ethereal device indemnified to the detriment of the Transferor whereby the Transferee indicates what he desires to the Transferor, and is granted the object of his desire. The Transferee will be the only recipient of the object of desire, and it will have no effect on anything else.

1.5 "the object of desire" - any object or occurence which will manifest itself such a way, by direct command of the Transferee, as to pose absolutely no threat to the physical, mental, fiscal, psychic, karmic or cosmological wellbeing of the Transferee, unless requested by the Transferee to be as such.

1.6 "the lamp" - the domicile of the Transferor. The availability of the three wishes are dependant on the Transferee finding the lamp in a untidy state, and polishing it with any instrument whereby the state of the lamp is made good.

2.

The Transferor shall agree to provide three wishes to the Transferee in order to provide the object of desire to the Transferee once the Transferee has stated by way of a wish what he wished it to be. There will be no misinterpretation by the Transferor of the wish, which would involve any kind of detrimental action to the Transferee as per clause 1.5.

If, in the event of the wish causing an unsuitable object of desire to be bestowed upon the Transferee, then as per clause 1.4, the Transferor will be bound to nullify the effects of the wish, and reinstate a fresh wish, to replace the defective and voided one, thus ensuring that the Transferee has not wasted a wish.

These terms and conditions are put in place as soon as the offer of such a transaction is proposed after the rubbing of the lamp, and are not negotiable.

The common seal of
the Transferor was
placed hereunto in
the presence of


The signature of the
Transferee is provided
hereto





I hope this might help safeguard any of you against potential wish related mishaps.:)
 

OneWingedBird

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#20
"I met this little girl and she said she thought I was pretty. She was so nice. So I did something to her. Something so she'll always be happy. Always be happy for ever and ever and ever"

Delerium, The Sandman:Season Of Mists
 

Anome

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#21
escargot said:
So logically, they can't be granted.
Depends on what you wish for.

And if they have a different definition of evil or harm to me, then I don't stand a chance, do I? So I guess the whole exercise is pointless, then.
 

escargot

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#22
So I guess the whole exercise is pointless, then.
Yup, that's right.

Pointlessness IS the whole point of the three wishes story, as expanded upon in 'The Monkey's Paw', where the spell was placed on the paw to prove that 'men's lives are ruled by Fate'.

Same idea applies to pacts with the Devil- you can't win.

This theme even popped up in the last ever episode of 'Futurama', when the Devil manoeuvred Leela into giving him her hands- well, just one hand... which turned out to be her 'hand in marriage'!:eek:
Can't remember how she got out of it but it can't have been easy.
 

wembley8

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#23
"The Transferee will be the only recipient of the object of desire, and it will have no effect on anything else."

So you get your £10m but notbody else can even see it...
 

MrSnowman

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#25
Wembley said:
"The Transferee will be the only recipient of the object of desire, and it will have no effect on anything else."

So you get your £10m but notbody else can even see it...
"If, in the event of the wish causing an unsuitable object of desire to be bestowed upon the Transferee, then as per clause 1.4, the Transferor will be bound to nullify the effects of the wish, and reinstate a fresh wish, to replace the defective and voided one, thus ensuring that the Transferee has not wasted a wish."

You'd get the wish back, and rephrase it a bit more precisely ;)
 

beakboo1

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#26
BlackRiverFalls said:
"I met this little girl and she said she thought I was pretty. She was so nice. So I did something to her. Something so she'll always be happy. Always be happy for ever and ever and ever"

Delerium, The Sandman:Season Of Mists
What did you do to her? Or are you going to make me buy the book? :)
 

OneWingedBird

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#27
Oh, you never get to find out the back story on that one, it's just the sort of thing that Delerium comes out with now and again, there's another one where she says some guy tried to snog her so she made it so he only sees colours - real pretty colours though.

This is probably fairly nonsensicle if you're not familiar with the Neil Gaiman universe.

Marie
 

Anome

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#28
Delirium is responsible for her namesake. She used to be Delight, but something happened which changed her. (I think she died, but it's only hinted at obliquely in another story.)

Each of the family is responsible for their given domain. They include Dream (the Sandman), Death, Destruction, Destiny, Despair, the one who's name escapes me, and Delirium (formerly Delight).

So when Delirium says she did something to someone, it usually means she made them mad. Usually with the best of intentions, but she is mad herself.
 

Ioethe

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#29
Ah, Delerium.

"I think you should be attacked by lots of insects for ever and ever and ever."
"Why did you do that to him?"
"Why did I do what to who?"

I think your best bet would be the Homer Simpson route, "I want a turkey sandwich on rye with mayo". Think small.
 

wembley8

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#30
"If, in the event of the wish causing an unsuitable object of desire to be bestowed upon the Transferee"

So you thimk YOU get to be the judge of 'unsuitable', do you?

Not in the contract, o mortal...:eek:
 
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