Uwe Boll's Thread Of Eternal Shame

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#1
I merged a couple of threads ot focus on Uwe Boll's films as the same themes keep emerge - mainly that he sucks. The fun is the myriad ways he sucks.

His IMDB entry:
www.imdb.com/name/nm0093051/

His "homepage"
www.uweboll.com

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Alone in the Dark

Let us all gather round and say a prayer:

Please God find it in your infinite wisdom not to strike down Christian Slater for starring in this abomination as we are all sure he is alright really.
Now we have that out of the way here is the trailer:

http://www.boll-kg.de/neues/aitd_trailer_large.htm

It has to be the worst I've ever seen - watch it and I'll be asking questions afterwards like what is going on.

(Dr.) Uwe Boll, of "House of the Dead" directs another video game to film conversion despite the fact he should have been lost in the wilderness somewhere out there:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2002-12-18&res=l

IMDB page:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0369226/

Includes a link to a thread entitled "Dear Uwe Boll.... Your ruining our lives".

Now that said I really want to watch it because there is a little voice in the back of my head saying "Surely it can't be that bad??".

[edit: There is another little voice saying "Yes it is and don't call me Shirley" but I try to ignore that voice.]
 

escargot

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#2
There's a Guardian article on Slater here.
I get the feeling that Brockes really didn't take to Slater. ;)

My PC didn't like the trailer and I had trouble getting past the dragon-snake thing.
 
A

Anonymous

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#3
There's a guy in the trailer who looks like Dr Kelly. Also, I love the realistic representation of the military in it..."ok, let's form a circle...facing in".

Great stuff.

;)
 

ogopogo3

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#6
Re: Alone in the Dark

Emperor said:
Includes a link to a thread entitled "Dear Uwe Boll.... Your ruining our lives".

Now that said I really want to watch it because there is a little voice in the back of my head saying "Surely it can't be that bad??".
Uhhh, have you SEEN House of the Dead? My God, the agony. Uwe Boll belongs in a Stratosphere of Suck reserved only for directors like Jim Wynorski and McG.

Speaking of IMDB hate mongering, check out the message board for director Paul W.S. Anderson. Some thread titles are:

Hey Paul! KILL YOURSELF

How does this guy keep getting work?

Hey paul, go hang yourself or stop writing scripts

When the best film you've made is Mortal Kombat...

YOUR POLL: Do you think it will be 'Bollocks' or 'Dogs Bollocks'

The Worlds most Souless Director

This guy can't write a screenplay!!!
 
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#7
BloodRayne

This one seems to bittne the dust in VanadalSavage's post deleting too so here are some snippets:

'BloodRayne' Gains Cast- Loses Original Story

Get more on Games to Film | Posted 08.11.04 @ 12:07 am ]

Uwe Boll never ceases to amaze me- never. Besides announcing Ben Kingsley, Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez to the cast of his video game adaptation of BloodRayne, he announced some MAJOR changes in the games storyline, which will upset serious fans. Will I ever loosen the leash, not until he makes a good movie. So read on for more on this disaster in the making (At least I added a super sexy picture to brighten the mood)...



Variety reports:

Ben Kingsley, Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez will star in "BloodRayne," Uwe Boll's million adaptation of Majesco's hit videogame about a fearless vampire killer who happens to be half-vampire herself.

Boll also has landed rights to White Wolf's demon-killing game "Hunter: The Reckoning," which is likely to become the helmer's next project after "BloodRayne."

In a move that surely will twist the knickers of the game's fans, "BloodRayne" will be set in 18th-century Transylvania. The game takes place in 1930s Germany, pitting the heroine against Nazi vampire hordes.

In the film, written by Guinevere Turner ("The Ballad of Bettie Page," "American Psycho""American Psycho"), Loken plays BloodRayne, a half-human/half-vampire who grows up as a circus freak until she is saved by the mysterious Brimstone Society. The org's objective is to exterminate the legion of the undead headed by Kagan, the vampire poobah played by Kingsley.

It's Loken's second major role in a German production after Tandem Communications' Nibelungen saga "Kingdom in Twilight."

Rodriguez, along with Will Sanderson ("Alone in the Dark") and Matt Davis ("Legally Blonde""Legally Blonde"), play fellow ghoul hunters in the war against vampirism.

Boll told Daily Variety the story's changes were necessary for its adaptation to film. "We wanted to do without the whole ultramodern, latex-clad, ass-kicking vampire-hunter thing seen in 'Underworld' or 'Matrix.' We figured it would play much better in Transylvania in the 18th century without the whole Nazi angle, without modern transportation conveniences like planes and automobiles."

Boll said the pic will be less seek-and-kill vidgame and more like "Brotherhood of the Wolf""Brotherhood Of The Wolf" or Roman Polanski's "Fearless Vampire Killers."

Pic is set to start shooting Monday at the Mediapro Studios in Buftea, Romania, and on location in the Transylvanian Alps, including Bran Castle, popularly known as Castle Dracula.

Boll, who will direct and execexec produce, is financing the pic through his million private film fund 3rd Boll KG, which bankrolled the upcoming "Alone in the Dark," based on the Atari game, and "House of the Dead," an adaptation of the Sega franchise. Shawn Williamson of Canada's Brightlight Pictures is producing.
http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/index.php?Show=2336&Template=newsfull

-----------------
For more discussion on Uwe Boll being some kind of soulless weirdo see the "Alone in the Dark" thread:

http://www.forteantimes.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=17139
 
A

Anonymous

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#8
Source

Madsen injected into BLOODRAYNE
KILL BILL co-star to meet vampire
Tuesday, August 17, 2004

By: PATRICK SAURIOL

Michael Madsen (KILL BILL, RESERVOIR DOGS) has been added to the cast of BLOODRAYNE. So too have Michelle Rodriguez (THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS) and Matt Davis (LEGALLY BLONDE), joining Ben Kingsley and Kristanna Loken in the Uwe Boll feature, about to start filming in Romania. Madsen and Davis will play Vladimir and Sebastian, two legendary vampire hunters while Rodriguez os Katarin, the leader of a clandestine agency named the Brimstone Society, whose mission it is to track down supernatural creatures around the globe and stop them from harming mankind. Of course, the Society's greatest ally is the half-human, half-vampire BloodRayne (Loken), and she has been charged to stop her father, Kagan (Kingsley), from hatching a plot to take over the world.

The million dollar budgeted movie, which is based partially on the Majesco video game, takes place in 18th century Romania.
 
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#9
An indication of (at least part of) the market they are pitching this film at:

Video game gals take it off for Playboy

Silicon will meet silicone in October issue of men's magazine

August 25, 2004: 7:09 PM EDT
Game Over is a weekly column by Chris Morris



NEW YORK (CNN/Money) – She's a statuesque redhead with green eyes who stands 5'7". Her measurements are 36-22-36 and she's posing topless for the October issue of Playboy magazine.


Oh, just one thing... she's a video game character.

Her name's Bloodrayne and she'll make her naked debut alongside a feature in the upcoming issue of the men's magazine.

Joining her in the CGI photospread (which will accompany an article about the changing face of gaming) will be a handful of gaming characters. While not all the characters will appear in the pixilated buff, you can expect a lot of come hither looks from some butt-kicking women, including familiar faces from Midway's (MWY: Research, Estimates) "Mortal Kombat" and Namco's "Tekken" series as well as Vivendi's (V: Research, Estimates) upcoming "Red Ninja" and "Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude" and Sammy Studios' forthcoming "Darkwatch: Curse of the West". (See the accompanying pop-up gallery for some of the characters that were submitted to the magazine.)

"Majesco (MJSH.OB: Research, Estimates) thought it was all in good fun. The game's coming out that month and it's perfect timing," said Laura Heeb, a spokesperson for the "Bloodrayne" publisher. "BloodRayne is a very viable franchise now. It has definitely made the step up to a full-fledged video game franchise. The Playboy thing is nothing more than just another cool thing we can do with this franchise."

Playboy declined to comment on the pictorial feature, since the October issue won't hit stands for a couple of weeks.

Welcome to the weirdest stop yet on the gaming industry's 2004 Naked Olympics.

A quick recap, for those of you just tuning in: The games kicked off with Eidos' (EIDSY: Research, Estimates) May release of "Singles: Flirt Up Your Life". The game was a "Sims"-like clone that featured full frontal nudity and encouraged you to get your two characters to have sex. It earned a rare "Adults Only" rating from the Entertainment Software Ratings Board. Because most retailers will not sell an AO game, Eidos offered it via download only. (A toned down "M" rated version is due on store shelves later this year.)

Due up later this year is the slightly less raunchy "Playboy: The Mansion" and the aforementioned "Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude," which sticks closer to "Animal House" or "American Pie"-style hijinks.

It seemed, for a while, that these would be the only players – but the layout in Playboy magazine ups the skin level substantially.

Meanwhile, waiting in the wings is another game that's bound to raise a few eyebrows: "The Guy Game". Basically, what you're looking at here is the bastardized love child of "Girls Gone Wild," college drinking games and The Tonight Show's "Jaywalking" segments. Real (not digitally animated) nubile coeds on spring break are brought onto stage and asked various trivia questions. If they answered wrong, they flash their breasts at the crowd. If you play the game right, you can see that flashing uncensored.

It's not a game that's likely to make friends amongst parents groups or conservative religious organizations. But developer TopHeavy Studios (really!) and publisher Take Two Interactive don't seem too concerned.

The growing presence of video game nudity and sexuality – both in and out of games – is something of a double-edged sword for the industry. On the one hand, female characters appearing topless could reinforce the outdated stereotype of gamers as shut-in losers who lack any sort of social skills.

On the other, it underlines how much older the audience for these games has gotten in recent years. According to the Entertainment Software Association, today's average game player is 29 years old. And the average game buyer is 36.

Be that as it may, the industry has been trying to attract more women gamers – and including characters that have been positive (albeit overly buxom) role models in a Playboy layout could potentially turn away that customer base.

That's part of the reason some publishers opted against their characters appearing nude.

"We spent a lot of time thinking about it," said Namco spokesperson Kristin Calcagno. "We wanted to move forward with the coverage opportunity, but we wanted to ensure that the characters would be seen as they are in the game. We ensured they were in poses and attire that were sexy, but were appropriate to their character. ... By no means do we hope anyone finds it offensive."

So why take the chance? Basically, Playboy's demographic is very much in line with the sweet spot of the gaming industry. Eighty-five percent are male. The average age is 33. And half of its readers make ,000 or more per year.

That's a lot of men with cash to burn. And that's a lot of potential cash those publishers could be pocketing.
http://money.cnn.com/2004/08/25/commentary/game_over/column_gaming/index.htm?cnn=yes
 

Mighty_Emperor

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#11
And the film is out and it is a triumph!!!

Of soul sucking awfulness - a good review:

Alone In The Dark is the new film from Uwe Boll, director of the 2003 embarrassment House Of The Dead. In that film, Boll demonstrated an utter disregard for the fineries of plot, dialogue, coherence and pacing, preferring instead to spend an hour and a half watching people shoot zombies on an island. It was based on a video game.

Alone In The Dark is also based on a video game, and everything House Of The Dead did wrong, it does at least as badly.
Source

Other reviews:

Review

Oh there are hundreds I'll dig out some more later and 99.99% say it is dreadful.

This is the line up of recent and forthcoming films by him:

# Far Cry (2006) (announced)
# Hunter: The Reckoning (2006) (pre-production)
# Bloodrayne (2005) (post-production)
# Alone in the Dark (2005)
# House of the Dead (2003)
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0093051/

All computer game adaptations and its not looking good for the ones we haven't seen yet.

Here is a petition:

To: Dr. Uwe Boll

We, the undersigned, respectfully ask that Uwe Boll give proper weight to the wishes of the video game community, the horror community, and the film going community in general and stop directing, producing, or taking any part in the creation of feature films. His distasteful handling of the subject matter and lack of acknowledgement of his failures simply cannot be abided any longer.

Mr. Boll has repeatedly shown a complete lack of comprehension regarding the videogames he has dragged, kicking and screaming, to the silver screen and his ham-fisted approach to horror has soiled future possibilities for anyone else who may attempt to bring videogames to film.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned
www.petitiononline.com/RRH53888/petition.html
 

ogopogo3

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#14
It's already at #10 on IMDB's bottom 100. House of the Dead is holding steady at #28. This guy sure has the Midas touch.
 

Mighty_Emperor

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#15
Ogopogo said:
It's already at #10 on IMDB's bottom 100. House of the Dead is holding steady at #28. This guy sure has the Midas touch.
Its technically called the Sidam Touch where everything one touches turns to shit.
 

CygnusRex

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#16
Emperor said:
Ogopogo said:
It's already at #10 on IMDB's bottom 100. House of the Dead is holding steady at #28. This guy sure has the Midas touch.
Its technically called the Sidam Touch where everything one touches turns to shit.
No, I believe thats the Merdus touch
 

Mighty_Emperor

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#18
I've merged a couple of threads to make a Uwe Boll one.

--------------
Another computer game adaptation is in the offing and the list of threads is funny already:

How to make Uwe Boll stop?
FEAR EFFECT!!!
And...
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Shame on the people working with Uwe Boll
if uwe boll actually directs this movie
www.imdb.com/title/tt0461661/

Looking down his list of projects is distressing:

# Far Cry (2006) (announced)
# Fear Effect (2006) (announced)
# Hunter: The Reckoning (2006) (announced)
# Night Claws (2005) (announced)
# Dungeon Siege (2006) (filming)
# Bloodrayne (2005) (post-production)
# Alone in the Dark (2005)
# House of the Dead (2003)
How does he get so much work for a no talent hack?

-------------
And his next film slots into the breech - $60 million!!!! Its a sick sick world.

Statham, Sobieski in 'Dungeon'

By John GaudiosiThu Jun 30,11:48 PM ET

Jason Statham and Leelee Sobieski are set to headline the cast of director Uwe Boll's $60 million adaptation of the sword-and-sorcery video game "Dungeon Siege," which begins filming Sunday in Vancouver.

Statham ("Cellular," "Collateral") plays the film's hero, Farmer, and Sobieski ("Eyes Wide Shut," "Max") has been cast as Muriella, daughter of the court sorcerer Merrick (John Rhys Davies of "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy).

Also starring are Ron Perlman ("Hellboy") as Norick, Farmer's friend; Matthew Lillard ("Scooby-Doo") as Duke Fallow; Burt Reynolds ("The Longest Yard") as King Konreid; and Kristanna Loken ("Terminator 3") as Elora, an enchanted tree-like creature whose support proves critical to Farmer.

The production will film in and around Vancouver through mid-September.

The film is based on developer Gas Powered Games' best-selling fantasy PC game franchise, which was published by Microsoft Game Studios, and follows the journey of Farmer from simple family man to heroic prince. Amidst a fantasy backdrop of war in the Kingdom of Ehb between the evil Gallian and the ruling King Konreid, Farmer sets out to find his kidnapped wife, Solana, and avenge the death of his son, who was killed by animal warriors called Krugs.

"This is a very dark, epic picture in the tradition of the Sergio Leone Westerns that blends the imaginative action of 'Hero' and 'House of Flying Daggers,"' Boll said.

"Dungeon Siege," which does not have a distributor, will be ready for release as early as late summer 2006. Boll also is developing movies based on video games "Far Cry," "Hunter: The Reckoning" and "Fear Effect."

"Dungeon Siege," the game, debuted in April 2002 and has had one expansion pack, "Legends of Aranna," released in November 2003. A full sequel, "Dungeon Siege II," ships Aug. 16. The critically acclaimed game franchise opened up the role-playing game genre to the masses with intuitive gameplay and a story line that evolves based on how players progress.

----------------
Reuters/Hollywood Reporter

Copyright © 2005 Reuters Limited.
Source

Saving graces might be an experienced cast and Tony Ching Siu Tung as action choreographer:

www.imdb.com/name/nm0157889/

He has done Hero, House of Flying Daggers, Shaolin Soccer, Moon Warriors, the 3 Swordsman films and Chinese Ghost Story. If anyone can polish a turd I suppose it could be him (although he has usually added his skills to quality movies with great directors and producers so even he might not manage it.
 

hokum6

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#19
There's no saving grace when Boll is involved. A saving grace would involve a large boulder that crushes him. The frightening thing is how he manages to get all these stars in his films. The guy would make a great producer if only he wasn't batshit insane.

This is from his Wikipedia entry

Boll essentially is a modern-day B-movie director. He's able to secure the investors (mostly German, in Hollywood often derisively referred to as "stupid German money"), secure the rights for cheap, picking games with only moderate brand recognition, does all of the actual production himself, and swiftly cranks out a film. While under normal circumstances a director's movies could gross so little he's eventually shut out from every operating studio, Boll is exempt because he funds them under a loophole in German tax law that is supported by contributors and actually rewards films that perform badly, via a writeoff at the end of the year.
Alone in the Dark is currently keeping classics like Baby Geniuses company on Rotten Tomatoes, holding steady near the bottom end of the scale with a stunning 1% overall score. Somehow, it still managed to get a favourable write-up from one person.
 

Mighty_Emperor

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#20
Yeah that is what gets me - his investors can't lose. It is really some massive scam. They can usually sell enough via DVD to make up the costs.

See e.g. House of the Dead:

Production Budget: $12 million
Est. Marketing Costs: $10 million

TOTAL LIFETIME GROSSES
Domestic: $10,249,719 74.2%
+ Overseas: $3,568,462 25.8%

= Worldwide: $13,818,181

http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=houseofthedead.htm

Thats not good - and that is probably going to be one of his big hits and it could look like diminishing returns:

Alone in the Dark:

Production Budget: $20 million
Est. Marketing Costs: N/A

TOTAL LIFETIME GROSSES
Domestic: $5,178,569 85.8%
+ Overseas: $855,102 14.2%

= Worldwide: $6,033,671

http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=aloneinthedark.htm

A lot of people are hoping that Bloodrayne could be the one that performs soooooooo badly that he will become a pariah.

I suppose the only thing we can do is boycott his films and only buy his films second hand if we do want to watch them (which I wouldn't advise).
 

ogopogo3

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#23
Actually, I found Alone in the Dark surprisingly easy to sit through. Then again, my threshold for pain is higher than most.

I've just discovered that Netflix has three of Boll's early features available to rent. Naturally, I put them in my queue. Something tells me I'm going to regret it.
 
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#24
Ogopogo said:
Actually, I found Alone in the Dark surprisingly easy to sit through. Then again, my threshold for pain is higher than most.

I've just discovered that Netflix has three of Boll's early features available to rent. Naturally, I put them in my queue. Something tells me I'm going to regret it.
There are easier ways to make yourself miserable - just pour itching powder in your undies and put on some boxing gloves (what I call Monday nights). ;)
 
A

Anonymous

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#25
Thank You Emperor for this thread....how on earth does this happen, I mean Paul S Anderson is one thing but Boll is in another leaque all together...I remember reading an "article" he wrote defending House Of The Dead it was sooo badly written it was unreal that this guy gets finance and stars for his "movies"....
 
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#26
Redneck said:
Thank You Emperor for this thread....how on earth does this happen, I mean Paul S Anderson is one thing but Boll is in another leaque all together...I remember reading an "article" he wrote defending House Of The Dead it was sooo badly written it was unreal that this guy gets finance and stars for his "movies"....
Bottom line - its a scam.

The ways to stop the scam are:

1. To stop seeing his films. If you must buy a secondhand copy.

2. Campaign for a change in the German tax laws - it is obviously designed to help stimulate the German film industry but these guys are taking the piss. Perhaps a cap of £5-10 million would work. It seems a crying shame that there are loads of real good film makers out there who'd produce great films with £1 million (and considerably less).

Boll is a no talenty ass hack and he just wouldn't be working with such big budgets if it wasn't all a con.
 

StoryofE

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#27
I've just discovered that Netflix has three of Boll's early features available to rent. Naturally, I put them in my queue. Something tells me I'm going to regret it.
You are a true masochist! :D If you want to hear some really funny stuff, listen to some of his commentary on his dvds.
 

ogopogo3

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#28
Here I was thinking it was quite an "accomplishment" for a director to have two films in the IMDB Bottom 100. Turns out, both Coleman Francis and Bob Clark have THREE apiece on there (Bob also has one in the Top 150, go figure).

Well, the release of Bloodrayne will probably give Uwe his trifecta.
 

Iggore

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#29
Stop whatching his movies? Are you kidding me? House of the Dead is a landmark movie, a satire of everything good and decent. Heck, it is a satire of parody and amateurisme itself. The beauty of it is that this movie takes itself seriously. The guy tried, and believed, in what he was making. And as such, it as to be appreciated for what it is. Utter failure.

Afterall, HOTD is the only movie where I can actualy spot a micro hanging at the top of the screen.

Mister Boll, thank you, and keep making movies of the sort. You are our contemporary Ed Wood.
 

ogopogo3

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#30
Well, just watched Uwe's film Sanctimony.

Sweet Jesus, what an incoherent piece of shit. Also, the closing credits actually say that this film was made possible through the use of Canadian tax loopholes.


It's not sure if it wants to be a ripoff of Seven or American Psycho. The plot involves an impossibly good-looking, impossibly smart and impossibly nihilistic stock trader who just decides to become a serial killer out of boredom. The press dubs him the Monkey Maker. He gets bored by this and then begins to taunt the cops investigating the case in a dangerous game of cat and mouse, blah blah blah. This bores him too, so he goes on a live TV financial program, spouts some obligatory Nietzschean bullshit and kills the host on air. After this, he makes his way to his own wedding reception where he promptly shoots everyone in the room. Why? He's just so bored.

Of course, the cop investigating the case is a haunted, world-weary man who is tortured by nightmares featuring piles of dead bodies in football stadiums. And in his latest dream, his partner was in that pile! But that doesn't mean there ain't room for levity. After said cop gets a little rough with a snuff movie maker who has just, you know, murdered a young girl in front of a paying audience, the very next scene we see is the cop coming home to his very pregnant wife and her photography club.

"Honey, our male model couldn't make it. Would you mind getting naked so all of these randy housewives and I can take pictures of your wang?"

Cut to:

"Ok, but I'm warning you, ladies. <grins> It's cold in here." <drops towel>

:splat: :splat: :splat: :splat: :splat: :splat: :splat: :splat: :splat: :splat: :splat:

Uwe, you are a maestro.

House of the Dead was still worse, though.
 
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