Penises Just Can't Commit
By Regina Lynn
02:00 AM Dec. 16, 2005 PT
Editor's note: Some links in this story lead to adultmaterial and are not suitable for viewing at work. All links of this nature will be noted with "NSFW" after them.
I'm trying to relax in the bath with my only waterproof vibrator, Elemental Pleasures' Panthère (NSFW), but I can't stop thinking about Drew.
Rather, I've written about toys a lot lately, and he sent me an e-mail last week explaining that he seessextoys as a threat, not an enhancement, to a long-term relationship.
Men have confessed their discomfort with se xual accou terments to me before. They see them as competition, or as a criticism of their lovemaking technique. They look at the ridiculously huge dil dos and wonder whether they'll meas ure up.
"It seems to me that introducing an artificial aid into lovemaking ... can definitely provide a great increase in physical pleasure," Drew (not his real name) writes. "(But it) does so at the expense of emotional pleasure, for both partners."
He takes great care to explain his reasoning without sounding judgmental or defensive. His e-mail is thoughtful and well-written, and he ties his concern about sexualaids to the emotional connection between lovers.
"For a dedicated couple, lovemaking is a vital component of a lasting relationship, an act that reaffirms and strengthens the bond between the partners," he says. "Introducing a toy into this equation adds a layer of abstraction that can only be destructive of that bond, even if the damage is extremely subtle."
For me, it's always been the opposite. In my 20s, I was embarrassed to bring toys to bed with my partner, even though we'd been together since we were teenagers and our relationship lasted almost 13 years. I thought toys were so deeply personal that the very thought of sharing them paralyzed me. (This was before cybersexand my subsequent reversal of all previously held sexual prejudices. But that's another column.)
After our (amicable) split, I reserved my trinkets for solo use. I was single for the first time as an adult, and no way was I going to bring out a toy with a new playmate, lest he'd wonder whether I'd used it with someone else the weekend before.
Now, approaching 35, I'm finally comfortable bringing toys into lovemaking. And I've found that my comfort level is directly proportional to depth of intimacy I feel with my boyfriend. It's a sign of love and trust -- basically, the opposite of Drew's fears.
We don't reach for the gadgets every time, and not even most of the time, despite what you might think from reading my columns. But it's something we can laugh about and play with together, and isn't that part of intimacy, too?
I have one friend whose husband believes introducing even the tiniest, teeniest, quietest prop is tantamount to bringing another man into the room. They have a good and active sexlife -- but to unilaterally reject your wife's tentative suggestion of trying a toy together illustrates a profound difference in how most men and women relate tosex.
In this case, her commitment to a strong sexualbond includes trying out new things and playing together. But his commitment is to pleasuring her with just his own body, and he interprets her suggestion as a hint that he's not adequate on his own. (Believe me, if that were true, adding a toy is not going to help much.)
Her husband is not unique in his reaction, alas. "When I am giving my wife pleasure, it is me, my skill, my knowledge of her body and feelings," Drew writes. "With a toy it is a piece of plastic, and I might as well not be there. How can I express my commitment with a toy?"
Repeat after me: A peniscan't express commit ment any more than my Panthère can.
Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of penises. Nina Hartley (NSFW) even told me I was a "cockhound," so I have it on good authority that I'm no misanthrope.
But a woman understands a man's commitment through his fidelity, through togetherness, through touch and words and breath and sound. Priapus has little to do with it.
Commitment is sticking together through the tough times, joining forces even when it seems easier to go separate ways, keeping the r elationship a priority over individual temptations or desires. And commitment is giving one another pleasure (sometimes even when you don't feel like it) and keeping sexa priority so, as Drewsays, you continually reaffirm your connection.
Men do show their commitment through action, including lovemaking. And a man's openness to novelties shows his commitment to keeping the fires burning, to experimenting with the unexpected. It says he wants to be playful, to give and receive pleasure, to try new things together. It shows he respects his partner's interests.
It also proves he's working hard to let go of the idea that his penis or his "technique" is the most important part of a woman's lovemaking experience. (As Ann Regentin wrote recently at Clean Sheets, "what straight people call foreplay bears a remarkable resemblance to what lesbianscall sex.")
Drew concludes that sexual aids are "depersonali zing" and wonders "how deeply a person can be committed to his or herpartner when toys are involved in love."
Judging from the overwhelmingly positive response from men after last week's introduction of the Happy Kitty, I'd say very deeply.
And you know what? If your partner is asking about trying toys with you, she's doing so because she's into sex with you. How can you not like that?
I certainly would never expect anyone to do anything sexually that seriously discomfits them, although I think it's good for us to challenge our boundaries from time to time. Yet I think we do ourselves, and our partners, a disservice if we dismiss nookie tech wholesale.
Considering all of the sexualtemptations in our modern world, it only makes sense that we would harness the power of human inge nuity to enhance sexu al pleasure and keep lovemaking exciting over a lifelong commitment. And that can include gadgets and gizmos along with everything else.
See you next Friday,
Regina Lynn
- - -
Regina Lynn hopes to see you at AdultExpo/CES in January. Stay tuned to reginalynn.com or join the SexDrive forum for details.
Commit
