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What Do You Tell The Children?

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Anonymous

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Not sure if this is the right place, but here goes....

My daughter is seven. She's asked the BIG question - ie. "where do babies come from?" Fine - buy a book, have a chat.

New question - "do ghosts exist?"

I am interested in Spiritualism, in fact my mother is a working medium and about to be ordained as a minister in the Christian Spiritualist Church - my little girl has been to my mother's church - but ghosts are "scary" to kids - what do I tell her without compromising my own burgeoning beliefs, lying totally to her or scaring her (and subsequently half the playground)

Anyone out there able to help/offer advice?
 
Mummy said:
[daughter asks ] "do ghosts exist?"

Anyone out there able to help/offer advice?

Well, bearing in mind the caveat that I've never raised a child:

I'd say tell her the truth (no-one has actually proven it one way or the other) and then discuss your and her beliefs on the issue. She's undoubtedly aware that her grandmother believes in ghosts, and I daresay that she's probably discussed that with her friends, and found that most of the adults in their lives don't.

She's at that age where one starts to learn that the values and beliefs held within one's family aren't universal. I'd say just talk to her honestly, don't try to make her choose what to believe herself, and don't overload her with information she didn't ask for. Don't present it as something that she *has* to decide for herself. Just let her know that people don't always believe the same things.

So far as ghosts being 'scary', I don't think they have to be. They're shown that way in popular culture, along with bats, spiders, and other 'Halloweeny' things. You might buy her a book about bats (most of which are really neat - many of the fruitbats are just plain lovely), ideally one that discusses in the foreword how many Western cultures teach people that bats are scary. I wouldn't stress the point beyond that - most children are smart enough to generalize things like that for themselves.
 
Pretty much what Windwhistler has said.

It depends what she's meaning by ghosts. ie the scooby doo sheets over the head trying to scare you type or possibly what you and your mother mean by ghosts. (and anything in between of course :) )

As a start do the sensible thing and ask her why she's asking!
 
Tell her that ghosts are dead people who haven't gone to heaven because they have unfinished business.
 
Re: Re: What Do You Tell The Children?

Windwhistler said:
I'd say tell her the truth (no-one has actually proven it one way or the other) and then discuss your and her beliefs on the issue. She's undoubtedly aware that her grandmother believes in ghosts, and I daresay that she's probably discussed that with her friends, and found that most of the adults in their lives don't.

She's at that age where one starts to learn that the values and beliefs held within one's family aren't universal. I'd say just talk to her honestly, don't try to make her choose what to believe herself, and don't overload her with information she didn't ask for. Don't present it as something that she *has* to decide for herself. Just let her know that people don't always believe the same things.

So far as ghosts being 'scary', I don't think they have to be. They're shown that way in popular culture, along with bats, spiders, and other 'Halloweeny' things. You might buy her a book about bats (most of which are really neat - many of the fruitbats are just plain lovely), ideally one that discusses in the foreword how many Western cultures teach people that bats are scary. I wouldn't stress the point beyond that - most children are smart enough to generalize things like that for themselves.

... heh.. and the 7 year old just sat and nodded vacantly :rolleyes: I'm not sure if I understand half of that.
 
Thanks for those - she is a bit of a Scooby fan - but she's v. bright - the bat book idea is a bit out there - perfect for her!

As for why is she asking - I have asked her about it - she says she just wants to know, altho we have had the "invisible friends" telling her to be naughty - a little chat to her 'friends' in her room while she was elsewhere put paid to that. I think her Grandma's Ordination is raising a few questions, plus we've had a couple of bereavements in the past few years.

I do appreciate all the input and look forward to any more?
 
Hmmmm, I haven't got kids so this may be useless but you could try saying that some people think they exist and some don't. You could try the Stone Tape thing by telling her it's like a form of natural telly...a recording of someone taped in the atmosphere so you can't really be hurt by them.
I'd definitely ask why she's asking though as I think we're more sensitive to that kind of thing when we're younger and have it 'educated' out of us later in life.

It's also worth bearing in mind the first thing we do after we get scared sh1tless. We laugh.

However, none of this applies if you're actually a family of ghosts. (You never know on this board) - Then I suppose you have to tell her the truth.
 
I remember at about that age reading a ghost story which had the disclaimer "ghosts do not actually exist" at the end. I was most disappointed, but later found my own evidence to the contrary :)
I agree with windwhistler
 
All kids ask difficult questions at this age, regardless of their family's faith or other beliefs. Obviously sex and death are the big topics. You've dealt with one so now it's time for the other!

Daughter is trying to reconcile your family's very serious spiritual beliefs with the popular culture image of ghosts. She already knows a lot about both these versions of the supernatural and doesn't need you to tell her what to think. (I mean that in a kind and polite way.)

What she does need is to be able to discuss with you her fears and anxieties about these things. As you'll have found with the sex ed., it's not a case of '.......so now you know all about it!' and end of subject. It's more about opening a channel for communication.

It's also, may I say, a little disingenuous to give a child the 'some people believe this and some that' line when one's own family has very strong beliefs. If you didn't think your views were right then you wouldn't be practising your religion! In the long run you have to tell the truth as you see it.

Your family's experience of bereavement is probably significant here. Children need openness at a time like this. Daughter has noticed the family's grief, yet also suspects that the family's belief system includes contact with the dead. Very puzzling! Why can't Gran just stop crying and call XXX on her special telephone?

It doesn't do kids any harm to feel puzzled and confused about things on the way to working them out.
It also doesn't harm them to see adults showing emotion such as grief or bewilderment as a normal response to bereavement.

I was raised by parents whose religious and spiritual views were so opposed that they cancelled each other out! There was no discussion whatsoever of death. Anyone who died was never spoken of again, as if they'd brought disgrace on the family. Extremely unhealthy for children.

Like I said, Daughter doesn't need you to tell her what to think. How about asking her a few questions for a change? 'I really miss XXXX especially when we go to XXXX and she's not there any more. Sometimes in bed I have a lttle cry. Do you miss her too?'

(I wish someone had spoken to me like that when my beloved Gran passed. I was told 'Your Gran has died' and that was literally it- I was never allowed to mention her again on pain of being called 'morbid'. She too was a Spiritualist. How ironic.
That was over 30 years ago and it still hurts.)
 
Whichever explanation or version of truth you wish to tell her, try to point out that ghosts cannot hurt her and that they deserve pity and interest rather than fear.
Then if she does have an experience, she can approach it with a calmer, more rational frame of mind.
 
Is your church organised enough to have a helpful leaflet?


as a piskie I've seen lots of literature produced by the church for itself, ranging from "The Articles, How Many Can You Tick?" to helpful suggestions from people who have already done whatever...

also ranging from hilarious to useful to hair-rippingly awful :)

I wondered if it would give you a way in - ask what the child thinks of the leaflet as an effort to explain something sort of thing?

kath
 
Stormkhan said:
Whichever explanation or version of truth you wish to tell her, try to point out that ghosts cannot hurt her and that they deserve pity and interest rather than fear.
Then if she does have an experience, she can approach it with a calmer, more rational frame of mind.
Yep, go along with that entirely. My youngest became obsessed with ghosts a year or so ago, so I spent a long time emphasising the less frightening, more intriguing cases (ie best leave polts out of it for the time being ;)), and that I wasn't afraid of ghosts, just really interested in them, but unfortunately hadn't ever seen one.

He was OK with that, and when we visited a castle whilst on holiday, he was really excited about going somewhere that is reputedly haunted. :).
 
Yup Stu, your son had that 'attracted yet afraid' thing which we humans inflict on ourselves!

What we're dealing with here is a classic rational/emotional split.
Fear of ghosts is emotional and irrational and so can't be directly addressed by logic, unlike, say, dangers on the road.

We can easily deal with dangerous roads by discussing the Green Cross Code, not crossing in the wrong place and so on. If a child's friend has been hurt in a road accident we can discreetly tease out how the accident came about and how we could avoid this happening to us, and make sure our child knows that the injured one will get better especially with our support. If the other kid is killed outright it's a bit harder but can be done.

Kids' fears about the supernatural are just as real to them but can't be met with logic alone. It's no use saying 'There's no such thing as ghosts!' and dropping the subject. Just won't work.

I used to tell mine that I believed they were safe from ghosts etc. because I'd never seen one in our house and anyway grown-ups sleep very lightly and are often awake much longer than children so would be alert to deal with such things and so on and on.......
I also used to leave the bedroom lights on all night if necessary. Makes a world of difference. Bedside lamps are no good for this, I felt, as they cast odd shadows!

You've done a great job of reassuring Junior about ghosts if he was excited about the haunted castle. Well done!;)
 
Actually, I also have to thank the Harry Potter movies (yes, yes, I know) as they show ghosts in a benign, friendly light. They're just accepted for what they are (as in fact most people who live in haunted houses seem to do) and not remarked upon as such.

(A bit OT, so forgive me, but has anyone else heard the rumour that episodes of Scooby Doo were made which contained "real" ghosts, as opposed to a janitor with a projector, but were forbidden from showing them by the networks as it would be seen to endorse the "supernatural", hence the uniformly mundane resolution at the end of every episode?)
 
My son (who was four just before Christmas) and I had an interesting discussion whilst brushing his teeth a couple of months ago. After first asking where he was before he came out of mummy's tummy (!), he then said "everybody dies don't they? (we had talked about this before). He then volunteered the information "but some people die, and then they come back and they are babies again, aren't they?"
Don't know where that came from, as I'm sure neither his mum, myself nor his nursery have talked about reincarnation!
 
The question is only as difficult as you make it ;)

Since they are to find out the truth for themselves later on, why lie to them now? And if you yourself don't know the truth, tell them what's closest to it.

With regards to ghosts, just tell them the various theories involving ghosts. This way you can confuse them such that they'll not think much of it again.
 
The answer I got, as a child, to the question "Are ghosts real?" was the very answer I intend to use myself.

"Nobody knows for sure. Some people say that they've seen them but scientists can't find any evidence to support them. Until there's conclusive evidence there is no correct answer to that question... Nothing is impossible only highly improbable." That came from my uncle Nigel, the science-writer, and probably formed the core of my Fortean approach to the world.
 
I got-
Me aged 6- 'Mum! I'm scared! I daren't go back to bed! There's monster/ghost/demon under it!'
Mum- 'Don't be stupid! Get back to bed now or I'll thrash you!'
Me- 'But Mum, it's dark and I'm scared......'
Mum- 'I told you what you'd get!' (Slaps, punches etc ensue.)

I would then be literally thrown onto bed, the covers flung over my head, and told not to move again until morning.

No lights were allowed and there was no sympathy or any explanations over my normal childhood fears. My siblings were treated better than this. In fact when my younger brothers had night fears, not only were they adequately comforted, I was afterwards always 'belted' for having no doubt put the ideas in their heads! :rolleyes:

So you can see that for me, almost any answer a parent may care to give which doesn't involve violence is probably good!
 
My children had to live in a haunted house for years before we could move out to somewhere benign and safe, they both heard and saw scarey things, I tried to explain that most ghosts were like a recording, we were watching Dad's Army on tv and I said, most of these people are dead but you can still hear them and see them, thats not scarey , its the same with ghosts. Like an old tv recording. Also I told them the cats helped keep ghosts away, don't know if that true but they got some comfort from that, also my daughter got a hamster for her room to keep the ghosts away, she still can't settle well in her room unless she has a hamster :rolleyes:
I lived in a haunted house as a kid too but can't remember a lot of how it was coped with beyond having a light on all night, and any adults that heard or saw anything were liable to repeat the fascinating tale to anyone who would listen which didn't help!
 
Whenever my kids get scared, one of them will say something like 'There's no such thing as ghosts/monsters is there Dad?'...

Then I usually say 'Well, there could be. No-one knows for definite... but they can't hurt you'.
Other members of my family tell them such things don't exist, but I'm not gonna lie to them.

We often have talks about ghosts and other Fortean subjects. Maybe I'm trying to nurture that sense of wonder and mystery I remember from my own childhood? (Er, and still seem to hang onto the vague remains of, in my Thirties!:p )
 
When my son asked me about sex I told him to ask his mother.
When my daughter asked my wife: 'Mummy, what's an orgasm?', she said: 'ask your father..':mad: :rolleyes:
 
Jeez, if I had a kid, and he/she said "Daddy- I'm scared- I saw a ghost" I'd be like, "Really??!! Wow- what was it like- can I see it too?"

Kids have so many advantages as far as seeing things in new ways and being able to experience the mysteries of the mundane. The only damn thing under my bed is dust bunnies and old copies of Fortean Times.
 
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