A
Anonymous
Guest
Found a curious piece from Jeremy Clarkson:
"...last week, I was filled with fear and trepidation about driving a Lotus Elise round a test track. That bit was fun, that bit was easy. But Lotus had sent along one of its engineers, and I was fearful that he might start to talk to me.
"At first, all was well. We chatted about how they were still making the Esprit, which has been around a quarter as long as the car itself, and we joked about how much the company lost a year or so ago — £42m. Ha ha ha.
"Then, inevitably, he started to rabbit on about a new type of engine that has been invented by a friend of his in the engineering department, and I shut down. Well, you do. When an engineer starts to get technical, talking about the cube of this and the square of that, it’s best just to daydream about Cameron Diaz’s nipples until he’s stopped.
"Through the fog of confusion, I kept picking up the odd snippet, such as “hundreds of miles to the gallon” and “98% drop in harmful exhaust emissions”, until eventually even I began to realise that he was talking about something momentous. I stopped the car and said: “Hang on. Are you telling me that you’ve invented a completely new type of super-economical, super-eco-friendly engine?” “Yeah,” he said in that way engineers have — like the technicalities are the whole story and the implications are irrelevant.
"Engineers are now so used to being made to sit outside in the cold that they simply can’t believe anyone would ever be interested in what they do. I was, though. “Have you told anyone about it?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said again. “We’ve published a paper and we’ve told all the people on the car magazines.”
"That’s a waste of time. Proper motoring journalists are interested in a new idea only when it’s being presented to them through a sea of champagne at some 17-star hotel in the south of France. They wouldn’t know a story if it leapt out of a hedge and ate their foot.
"This is a big, big story. It began when the inventor started work on his two-stroke motorbike, which was suffering from pre-ignition. Those of you over 40 may remember this phenomenon. You’d turn off the car but the engine would rumble away all on its own for a little while.
"Well, anyway, this bloke reckoned that if an engine would work without sparks coming from the spark plugs he might be onto something.
"And he was. In his new engine 70% of the waste gas that would normally go out of the exhaust pipe is brought back into the cylinder and, because it’s so hot, it will ignite without a spark. It needs only the tiniest amount of petrol to make the engine run normally, powering itself along on noxious rubbish.
"The trick has been to build a camshaft that enables the intake and exhaust valves to be open at the same time, and I hope I’m not boring you here because they’ve done it, and this is the holy grail. Forget electric vehicles. Forget hydrogen propulsion. Lotus has reinvented the wheel, and all it needs now is £450m to make it a production reality.
"Needless to say, of course, the money will come from a German company, which will make grillions from the deal. That’s always the way with British inventions. We invent the telephone; Ericsson makes the cash. We invent the television; Sony reaps the rewards. We invent the computer; Bill Gates buys Seattle. And, of course, we invent Lotus, which is now owned by Proton.
"Whatever, this small Norfolk company has saved the world, repaired the ozone layer, frozen the Arctic ice cap again, replanted the rainforest, replenished the oceans with whales, undone global warming, shut down Sizewell B and brought peace to the Middle East.
"Strange then that it seems to have messed up the Elise....
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,3801-443387,00.html
"...last week, I was filled with fear and trepidation about driving a Lotus Elise round a test track. That bit was fun, that bit was easy. But Lotus had sent along one of its engineers, and I was fearful that he might start to talk to me.
"At first, all was well. We chatted about how they were still making the Esprit, which has been around a quarter as long as the car itself, and we joked about how much the company lost a year or so ago — £42m. Ha ha ha.
"Then, inevitably, he started to rabbit on about a new type of engine that has been invented by a friend of his in the engineering department, and I shut down. Well, you do. When an engineer starts to get technical, talking about the cube of this and the square of that, it’s best just to daydream about Cameron Diaz’s nipples until he’s stopped.
"Through the fog of confusion, I kept picking up the odd snippet, such as “hundreds of miles to the gallon” and “98% drop in harmful exhaust emissions”, until eventually even I began to realise that he was talking about something momentous. I stopped the car and said: “Hang on. Are you telling me that you’ve invented a completely new type of super-economical, super-eco-friendly engine?” “Yeah,” he said in that way engineers have — like the technicalities are the whole story and the implications are irrelevant.
"Engineers are now so used to being made to sit outside in the cold that they simply can’t believe anyone would ever be interested in what they do. I was, though. “Have you told anyone about it?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said again. “We’ve published a paper and we’ve told all the people on the car magazines.”
"That’s a waste of time. Proper motoring journalists are interested in a new idea only when it’s being presented to them through a sea of champagne at some 17-star hotel in the south of France. They wouldn’t know a story if it leapt out of a hedge and ate their foot.
"This is a big, big story. It began when the inventor started work on his two-stroke motorbike, which was suffering from pre-ignition. Those of you over 40 may remember this phenomenon. You’d turn off the car but the engine would rumble away all on its own for a little while.
"Well, anyway, this bloke reckoned that if an engine would work without sparks coming from the spark plugs he might be onto something.
"And he was. In his new engine 70% of the waste gas that would normally go out of the exhaust pipe is brought back into the cylinder and, because it’s so hot, it will ignite without a spark. It needs only the tiniest amount of petrol to make the engine run normally, powering itself along on noxious rubbish.
"The trick has been to build a camshaft that enables the intake and exhaust valves to be open at the same time, and I hope I’m not boring you here because they’ve done it, and this is the holy grail. Forget electric vehicles. Forget hydrogen propulsion. Lotus has reinvented the wheel, and all it needs now is £450m to make it a production reality.
"Needless to say, of course, the money will come from a German company, which will make grillions from the deal. That’s always the way with British inventions. We invent the telephone; Ericsson makes the cash. We invent the television; Sony reaps the rewards. We invent the computer; Bill Gates buys Seattle. And, of course, we invent Lotus, which is now owned by Proton.
"Whatever, this small Norfolk company has saved the world, repaired the ozone layer, frozen the Arctic ice cap again, replanted the rainforest, replenished the oceans with whales, undone global warming, shut down Sizewell B and brought peace to the Middle East.
"Strange then that it seems to have messed up the Elise....
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,3801-443387,00.html