Private Eye Classifieds

[Bilderberger]

Following on from the fascinating thread in the "Religions and Cults" section about the regular mysterious classified ads - I have a question.

As a reader of Private Eye for the last couple of years, I have often seen classified ads between "Capitaine" and "Sous-Fifre." At first I assumed these to be messages of love between the two - however, they are sometimes incredibly cryptic and bizarre.

A few months ago, there was a message which seemed to be a warning that some person (or people) were getting close to finding out their identities.

So, does anyone have an opinion as to whether these are purely love messages, or if something more sinister is at work (or just a huge practical joke).

Yours, intrigued.............

 

[Anonymous]

I don't know when they first started, but these ads have been running for donkey's years - I've been reading PE for around 10 years, and they were going then. Has anybody ever asked the PE staff?

 

[Anonymous]

I seem to remember my local paper was asked to stop printing bible quotations from one particular punter - the police claimed he was into all kinds of dodgy things and they suspected the quotes were coded messages to his partners in crime.

My favourite PE classified was Spike Milligan's - can't recall it word for word, but it was along the lines of 'Gentleman seeks wealthy widow. Intention murder'

 

[Bilderberger]

Yes - I've heard about the Spike Milligan advert. Apparently he got about 30 replies!

On another PE Classified subject - does anyone know if anyone has ever got any money from the "Eye Need" section? They are often hilarious - particularly the "lazy student needs money for beer" type adverts.

 

[Anonymous]

This is so spooky, I was reading Private Eye this morning and was going to post a thread about those Eye Need adverts.....I have often wondered if people do give money to these people. Likewise are there ever any replies to the 'discreet, unhappily married man seeks mistress' adverts.............

Thank god for Private Eye it's often the most factual news publication in the country

 

[Anonymous]

Likewise are there ever any replies to the 'discreet, unhappily married man seeks mistress' adverts.............

Sadly none so far but I live in hope

 

[Anonymous]

This is so spooky, I was reading Private Eye this morning and was going to post a thread about those Eye Need adverts.....I have often wondered if people do give money to these people. Likewise are there ever any replies to the 'discreet, unhappily married man seeks mistress' adverts.............

Thank god for Private Eye it's often the most factual news publication in the country

I always wondered that myself. They keep printing the adverts so some people must have had a degree of success (the eye need adverts, not the mistress ones). Maybe millionares use it as some kind of tax break?

 

[JamesWhitehead]

Ads tend to generate ads. Private Eye used to carry lots of ads for
back issues at fantasy prices, giving people the impression there
was a market for them. You can hardly give them away!

There were a few chancers who advertised the famous
Banned Parkinson Edition, as if it was a great rarity. In fact, it
was widely distributed before Cecil got his injunction. But if
anyone wants to offer me fancy money, mine is still available!

I also seem to recall reading or hearing that Peter Cook and others
would place ads to encourage emulation.

I don't bother with the rag now that its contents have to be approved by
W. H. Smiths. I suppose the Horrid Farts Tape has become a CD!

 

[Anonymous]

Yes, I've always been puzzled by the 'Eye need' bit. Some of them are so wildly hopeful - things like '£40,000 needed for new home. HSBC 3028635 29-34-82', or 'Dispairing Gulf war veteran needs £200,000 to avoid broken legs and suicide.' I've always assumed no-one would ever either reply to one or even bother placing one, so they must be put in by the PE staff. But what's the point? Perplexing.

 

[Anonymous]

Maybe I should put an Eye Need ad in and see if I get anything. Anyone want to help with the wording?
Something like:
"Large amounts of cash needed for teenage bimbo's and ridiculous sports car. Trying to fend off incipient mid-life crisis with grotesquely hedonistic lifestyle. All help gratefully squandered"

What do you think?

 

[Anonymous]

They put their classified ads online here . I like his one:

'PLEASE HELP. HEARTBREAKING SITUATION. Genuine. Barclays 20-27-1*, Account 204***07. Many thanks.'

I loved the 'genuine', just in case anyone reading wasn't sure.

 

[Bilderberger]

On the subject of whether the "bored wealthy married man needs mistress" type adverts get replies - I reckon they probably would. You often get adverts that are from women advertising themselves as mistresses for "bored wealthy married" type men. There must be quite a market out there.

Also, how the hell else did Steven Norris get FIVE mistresses. certainly not on his looks and charm.

 

[SoundDust]

There was something in the private eye ads section once (early 90's) where someone had asked for any damaging information/gossip on a police chief which related to a story that had been featured in the mag itself.

Also, how the hell else did Steven Norris get FIVE mistresses. certainly not on his looks and charm

Ditto David Mello

 

[Anonymous]

years ago the wife (then girl friend/live in lover) hatched a plot with a friend who i sahll only describe as Charlie (cos thats his name) to get rich by advertiseing in PI for money..... they split the cost (a whole £5!) and aranged to split the profits 50/50.... they got one odd reply along the lines of............. If you realy want money be at (some house that sounded like a Stately Home, cant remeber what it was tho!)... on thursday the (date) at ten oclock. We tried sending a reply asking clarification but none was forthcomming.................

 

[SoundDust]

As a reader of Private Eye for the last couple of years, I have often seen classified ads between "Capitaine" and "Sous-Fifre." At first I assumed these to be messages of love between the two - however, they are sometimes incredibly cryptic and bizarre

I was looking through the old copies i have of PI last night and all the messages I found between the people above were referring to bands/singers (eg. U2, Kylie) or songs ("Kiss the rain")

 

[Anonymous]

I've often read those ads for a giggle. One that absolutely took my breath away must have been about a year ago. It was either in Private Eye or a Sunday broadsheet.
A man in his 60's was looking for a female partner, although I don't think he put it in such egalitarian terms. But she had to be:
Extremely Attractive
Between the ages of 18 - 24
Blonde, with shoulder length hair
Size 8 or 10, no larger
Between 5' 4" and 5' 9" (improvising here, can't recall exactly)
Educated to degree level
Non-smoker
Refined and socially eloquent.

I don't know if he ever met his ideal woman. I can only say that if he places such narrow criteria on true love, it's no wonder he has to resort to advertisements.