Telekinesis Equation Revealed

[punychicken]

"In September of 2001, just seven days before 9/11, I issued a "telekinesis breakthrough" news release that swept around the world and caused a lot of confusion. You see, for while I claimed a scientific breakthrough, I decided to keep the exact details of the breakthrough a secret. Here now is that secret. I am releasing it simultaneously to the public and scientific community for replication testing and as the foundation for future research by others. "

Conrad's Human Telekinesis Equation:

TK = CFe + ZPE - SD - E+

Wherein:

TK is Telekinesis. CFe is Cerebro Iron. ZPE is Zero Point Emotions. SD is No Sleep Deprivation, which inhibits mental functioning. E+ is No excessive level of vitamin E in the body.

the full details can be found here!

 

[Anonymous]

It's not really an equation, though, as you don't stick values in one side and get a value out of the other.

 

[Anonymous]

I memorised the formula, and then sat back and tried to shove one of my training shoes across the floor from a distance of six feet. It didn't budge a millimetre I'm afraid.
Is there anyone else on the board who has tried to do this many times, as I have? How often have I tried to get a small object to fall off the radiator or window sill from a distance....It would be great for my Fortean CV, but would probably scare me badly if I ever succeeded.

Bill.

 

[Anonymous]

algebra is a whole load a .................................

it makes as much sense as british rail

no matter how you place the letters TK= whatever Telekinesis is still about as much use..........................................................

unless it can explain how to dance to forget(hotel california)

 

[Pinklefish]

This is all terribly lovely, the picture was gorgeous, the blokey looked very upright and scientific.
But where's the evidence? I want to see telekinesis taking place, please.

pinkle "naive, moi?" fish

 

[Anome]

As I was once a mathematician, (Technically, it could be argued that I still am, but non-practising) I am a little concerned by attempts to create an "equation" that doesn't have nice, well-defined terms.

Essentially, you don't get nice hard equations in biology. At least not of this type. (And even the predator-prey models and similar notions are subject to the following.) There's just too much variation.

If he can provide values (within acceptable error-bounds, even) that will guarantee telekinetic activity, I might start to take him seriously. (Again, as Pinkle says, he would have to provide evidence of the actual telekinesis.) But while he uses terms such as the SD variable in his equation (how do you quantitatively measure sleep deprivation?), I'll continue to be sceptical about it.

 

[Pinklefish]

With no mathmatical skills whatsoever, I can make an equation to show how my evening is going so far:

ME = CP + PN - NCT - HS+

Wherein:

ME is My Evening. CP is Cockburn's Port. PN is Pistachio Nuts. NCT is No Crap Tunes, which inhibit chillage. HS+ is no excessive level of Haribo Sourtastic in the body (it gives me indigestion).


pinkle

 

[Anome]

A much more worthy equation. More of the terms are quantifiable. (Although, I'd have thought the NCT term should be CT. Subtract the number of Crap Tunes from the number of CP and PN, rather than NCT.)

Still, I'm sure we can get nice solid figures reflecting actual results from this equation. Unlike the other one.

 

[brianellwood]

Increase in value of hours of sleep deprivation=> increase in conviction that tk is taking place.
Yes, I have tried hard but not managed to move anything yet, but I'm not losing much sleep over it.
If you were to succeed, the last thing you want is public proof, cos the military will spirit you away in a flash.

 

[Pinklefish]

Yeah, I am fairly certain there are people who can heal out there (not faith healing, the real deal) but they daren't do too much hard core healing or they'd dissapear quite quickly.


pinkle (not joking) fish