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Eye Contact

There are a couple of people at work with a real aversion to eye contact. One lecturer - whom I'm sure has said himself that he's the spectrum - will chat away to you but keep his eyes firmly fixed to the ground, with only a scant flicker upwards every now and again. The department manager will start out looking at you, but then she tends to gaze sideways, which I find a bit disconcerting as I'm not sure whether we've finished our conversation or not. I find myself mirroring her approach; I hope she doesn't think I'm being rude...
 
merricat said:
I searched for a relevant topic but nothing specific came of the results, so if there is already a thread for this I would be happy for it to be merged.

The subject came up whilst chatting with a friend this afternoon.

I recalled an encounter with a stranger over 20 years ago, an informal interview where we both sat facing each other across a large, round table with tea and small cakes, etc. The atmosphere was very relaxed. I was comfortable and (to my knowledge) feeling confident and happy to talk openly. We got along very well and had a good laugh. At some point during the discussion, the topic of body language came up. I asked her how she might perceive my good self. As a relative stranger, she admitted to feeling very comfortable with me, that she enjoyed being in my company and felt that she could discuss any kind of topic with me, with confidence.
She then went on to mention my eyes (!).
Apparently, whislt she was talking, my eyes would wander about the room, dreamily, as if I was only physically present. She admitted that she knew better, that I was interested in what she had to say, but that someone else might not! I prodded her for more information, assuring her that I would not take offence.
She continued: I can give the impression of aloofness, as if the conversation was mere piffle to me, as if there were more pressing things on my mind. That my face could take on a faraway dreamy look that might suggest disengagement.

To my mind, at the time, I was extremely interested in everything that she had to say, and paid attention to every word. It would seem that during the discussion, I would break eye contact at intervals as I visualised her words and descriptions in order to feel them more deeply. I tend to think and process ideas very quickly, so wondered if that had something to do with it, that perhaps my expressions (too mobile?) altered continuously as I processed what was being said.
I didn't mind at all, in fact it felt as if she had given me a small gift - that of seeing ourselves as others see us. Not that her impressions were sacrosanct - I am certain that body language is a very fluid, subjective, yet culturally significant concept on the whole with only some aspects of it that might be considered 'fixed'.

This was a long time ago, and I would most likely present completely differently now, being older and more self aware. Still, I do find it all quite fascinating and don't mind hearing about how someone might perceive me, so long as such statements aren't designed to manipulate or offend.

This lead me to wondering, do you maintain eye contact throughout an entire conversation? Some might consider this to feel confrontational or intrusive. And how do you consider your body language or levels of eye contact to impact relationships (both intimate and formal)? So much of this occurs at an unconscious level, so I would imagine (unless we are perpetually navel-gazing or overly self conscious) we might never really know. As a self supporting artist, I haven't lead a very 'corporate' (or typical) lifestyle, so it is quite possible that in formal terms I am somewhat out of the loop.
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I grew up in a mix of cultures and eye contact was considered important for some of my relatives, but it usually was mentioned when an adult was questioning or chastising a child. The natural instinct is to look down when you are being chastised. Adults seemed to think a child that was not looking at them when they were talking was not paying attention.

Some hispanic adults I grew up with (conquistador decendants with native genetics) felt that where you look indicates how you feel. Looking down is expected if you are being chastised.

On the other hand the Navajo that I knew considered direct eye contact rude. The same for sitting in the car and honking instead of coming to the door. The Navajo on the reservation expected that you did not come to the door until invited. But my family found it quite rude in town for someone to sit in their car and honk instead of coming to the door. Cultures have different perspectives.

As for constant eye contact when someone is telling you a story or something that takes a while, it is not possible and most people do have to look away in order to think about what they are hearing. There are people who are primarily auditory and some who are primarily visual. So the visual people will expect and give constant eye contact and the auditory people will most likely be looking elsewhere. Deaf people have to watch you in order to read your lips. It isn't a one size fits all rules about eye contact.
 
Mythopoeika said:
Yes - some people have floppy, unenthusiastic handshakes and others employ the bone-crushing technique.
Somewhere in the middle is best.
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This reminds me of the first time my dad met my daughter's boyfriend. They "shook" hands for quite a while, trying to get the other to let go first and both of them had a crushing handshake if they didn't like the person they were shaking hands with. (I consider that kind of thing like the dog hump to see who is dominant) :p
 
catseye said:
This has only just occurred to me. One of my daughters makes little eye contact. She has no social problems (she's very sociable) and isn't on the autistic spectrum (although her sister is). But she is hard of hearing, the result of childhood infections and operations and various ear problems. And I've only JUST reasoned out that she doesn't make eye contact because she's watching general expressions and lip reading!

Before you berate me as a dreadful mother, her hearing problems wax and wane, in that a bad cold can leave her completely deaf for weeks, but she generally has about 50% hearing, so I've never really put the two things together.
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Just on the subject of the hard of hearing (as opposed to the totally deaf) Ms P has noticed that some who wear hearing aids inevitably switch them off because they find the noise of everyday life sometimes unbearable.
 
I had my new hearing aids tweaked because when I was outside they were picking up too much background noise. They seem much better now and are paired to my phone so I can adjust the volume and select different programs from an app. Phone calls go straight to the hearing aids. Scrolling through Facebook is a bit fraught if an ad comes up with loud music!
 
JahaRa said:
The natural instinct is to look down when you are being chastised. Adults seemed to think a child that was not looking at them when they were talking was not paying attention.

Some hispanic adults I grew up with (conquistador decendants with native genetics) felt that where you look indicates how you feel. Looking down is
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My mother (I seem to be dragging her reputation over the coals today, but she did have some 'odd' ideas), used to stand my brother and I in front of her when she was trying to find out which one of us committed a particular misdemeanor, and say 'look me in the eye and tell me you didn't do it.' I used to giggle under stress, couldn't help it, and she'd take my looking her in the eye and giggling as a sign of my guilt. She may just as well have clipped me round the ear for everything, because I was going to be assumed guilty anyway. My brother, on the other hand, can lie absolutely straight faced.
 
PeteS said:
Just on the subject of the hard of hearing (as opposed to the totally deaf) Ms P has noticed that some who wear hearing aids inevitably switch them off because they find the noise of everyday life sometimes unbearable.
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The problem with hearing aids is that they only increase or decrease the volume of sound. They can't filter out unnecessary sound. I know several people who have hearing aids, and they regularly turn them off in crowded or echoing areas.
 
catseye said:
My mother (I seem to be dragging her reputation over the coals today, but she did have some 'odd' ideas), used to stand my brother and I in front of her when she was trying to find out which one of us committed a particular misdemeanor, and say 'look me in the eye and tell me you didn't do it.' I used to giggle under stress, couldn't help it, and she'd take my looking her in the eye and giggling as a sign of my guilt. She may just as well have clipped me round the ear for everything, because I was going to be assumed guilty anyway. My brother, on the other hand, can lie absolutely straight faced.
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Some adults just don't understand what they are doing to children. My dad had some stupid, hard ways too.
 
JahaRa said:
Some adults just don't understand what they are doing to children. My dad had some stupid, hard ways too.
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Going a bit off topic, its a fine line disciplining children nowadays. I remember distinctly being pulled down a backstreet of Blackpool to be given a slapped leg for misbehaving when out. Never needed to be repeated, whereas I see now even pre teens ruling the roost at home and doing whatever they want despite protestations by parents. Must be a very difficult thing to do raising kids today.
 
PeteS said:
Going a bit off topic, its a fine line disciplining children nowadays. I remember distinctly being pulled down a backstreet of Blackpool to be given a slapped leg for misbehaving when out. Never needed to be repeated, whereas I see now even pre teens ruling the roost at home and doing whatever they want despite protestations by parents. Must be a very difficult thing to do raising kids today.
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You're right. There is a growing number of parents who seem to want to be their child's best friend, and who won't discipline in case it 'makes him/her hate me'. But equally it seems that slackly parented children grow up knowing that children need discipline, so go the other way with their own children, who hate being disciplined so much that they go the 'best friends' route with their children...and the cycle perpetuates.
 
Give your child a good wallop every day. lf you don’t know what they’ve done to deserve it, they do.

maximus otter
 
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