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The Bad Sex In Fiction Awards 2015

It's bad writing about sex rather than bad sex. I've read the extracts and the sex itself sounds OK, y'know. o_O
 
My favourite line in the whole thing is the least vulgar: "It went on. It was very good."

You can almost literally feel the author giving up at that point. Perhaps with an exhausted sigh and a vague urge to put the kettle on.

Which is a very accurate description of my own love life.
 
Is there such a thing as good writing about sex? Once I got past the age of about 14 and stopped finding it gave me funny tingly feelings and want to do a wee (but maybe not a normal kind of wee) I have found pretty much any kind of sex in books to be painful to read. I find the descriptions used are a bit like Jilly Goolden describing wine, using really strained similes and metaphors to try and describe feelings that are pretty much indescribable.

And when I've conjured up Jilly Goolden in that situation I soon find any semblance of sexiness goes out the window.
 
Wotan Mjolnir said:
And when I've conjured up Jilly Goolden in that situation I soon find any semblance of sexiness goes out the window.
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I would worry, were I in the situation of making the beast with two backs with Jilly Goulden that she was simultaneously mentally summing my performance up as a series of elements. Something like 'An opening sweet note, followed with a brief meaty undertone and a sharp finish, leaving a bitter aftertaste and a lilting scent of desperation'.
 
I can't remember if it was Jackie Collins or Jilly Cooper that used to describe a penis as a "throbbing member" .. either way, whoever she was in the story always crumbled into his strong arms ... our local library was connected directly to our school so we'd sometimes go in to try and find some filth to read from the two authors or find some boobs to look at in National Geographic.
 
Here's another family friendly quote from one of last year's shortlist:""he kissed the slight, rose-coloured trench that remained from her knicker elastic, running around her belly like the equator line circling the world.”"

After several anxious moments of uncertainty as to what exactly he was describing as a rose coloured trench, I decided that I think the words "knicker elastic" are possibly the most breathlessly erotic ever penned by the hand of man.
 
He certainly sounds like a saucy bugger.
 
"Ooh, I do live me some trench, but only the rose-coloured knicker elastic type, mind!"
 
I wonder if anyone will ever write an average, mundane and more honest sexual encounter in a novel? ...

" I could smell the alcohol on his breath, hot and steamy like a long forgotten summer evening. I'd just 'come on' and was feeling like I needed something more, something real and something that we used to have. Something new.

He swaggered in but walked into the door that he hadn't managed to close properly yet but our eyes locked .. a moment that spoke a thousand words as I did a SBD fart and hoped he hadn't noticed. Kicking aside the junk mail that neither of us could be bothered to pick up over the last few days in the front porch, he then noticed that I wasn't watching loose women on replay again, checked his mobile to see if Paul had got home safely then I asked him if HE'D just farted .. ever the gentleman he replied with a seductive "yes" .. he was mine.

After I went to the loo to have a wee first and then he went to the loo afterwards to wash his knob because he hadn't had a shower that morning, I heard my face towel gently land on the floor .... the gentle sound reminiscent of a startled swallow wing's flight in Spring . He'd forgotten to switch the bathroom light off ...again!, hell, I hadn't switched the downstairs light off this time but none of that mattered now .. we didn't even care about who's turn it was to do the washing up tonight .... because we were ready ..

John had difficulty getting a fully proud member at first, the evening with Paul (who I shagged once before me and John got together but I've never told him that) was taking its toll but I'd shaved my fanny as a surprise, only revealing it at the last moment" ...

.. if anyone feels like continuing this story, knock yourselves out.
 
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The Magic Ronde-about

Dougal's tail bent curiously at Florence's unusual caresses.
"What! What! We cannot! We must not! Unhand me, shameless wench!"
She unfastened the daisy from her hair and tickled his pouting button.
She thrashed him to a frenzy with her Rapunzel tresses, raising his manhood inch by inch towards her . . .
"Time for bed!" said Zebedee, his coiled serpent engorged with anticipation.

Mister Rusty was already between the sheets, stirring his old wooden organ to life. The snail had anointed the sheets with his viscous jelly. A laconic rabbit was watching from his cloud of herbs, his fingers damping the sympathetic vibrations of his instrument.

"We can't start without the cow," he murmured, "It would hardly be decent!"
"Her!" Florence pouted. "She'll be on that Message Board again! I never should have given her that tablet!"
"Try one of mine!" Mr Rusty said. "It's as blue as a cat and makes you horny as goatweed."
"The strange thing is," Dougal interrupted. "All this is probably quite innocent in French."

"Fuck off," said Zebedee.
Florence gave a little sigh, "Ooh! La petite mort! J'adore les mauvais choses!" :p
 
Wotan Mjolnir said:
I find the descriptions used are a bit like Jilly Goolden describing wine, using really strained similes and metaphors to try and describe feelings that are pretty much indescribable.

And when I've conjured up Jilly Goolden in that situation I soon find any semblance of sexiness goes out the window.
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Jilly was once a guest on a Clive James show where she gave a talk about wine-tasting with a demonstration.
James asked her lots of questions about how long you hold it your mouth and whether it's always bad to swallow to which she gave full and helpful replies, with much mouth-swirling and spitting.

It all went on for some time. The audience were in hysterics. Poor Jilly was totally deadpan and I'm sure she had no idea what he was up to.

Still one of the funniest things I've ever seen on TV!
 
gattino said:
My favourite line in the whole thing is the least vulgar: "It went on. It was very good."

You can almost literally feel the author giving up at that point. Perhaps with an exhausted sigh and a vague urge to put the kettle on.

Which is a very accurate description of my own love life.
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Got no time for a sex life - I'm on the FTMB all my waking hours.
 
Other FTMB categories this could have been posted under include Notes And Queries, Esoterica, It Happened To Me, Urban Myths...but hopefully not Cryptozoology.
 
gattino said:
Other FTMB categories this could have been posted under include Notes And Queries, Esoterica, It Happened To Me, Urban Myths...but hopefully not Cryptozoology.
Click to expand...

I dunno, we have Mytho and Heckler on here.
 
That made me do a little bit of sick in my mouth (Cried the over-enthusiastic fellatrix)
 
Someone bought me Moz's autobiography a couple of years ago but I could only get to about page 5 of it.
 
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