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The Queen & Poo

Tyger_Lily

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Talking to my BF today, and he assures me this is true, apparently when the Queen visits a venue, a lady-in-waiting will drop a banana down the loo to see how far away you have to be not to hear the royal splosh in case the Maj is pinching a loaf on her trip and needs to go.

It's so damn silly it *must* be true!

And also, the test to see if the Pope is dead is to knock him on the forehead with a silver hammer, call his baptismal name 3 times and if he doesn't reply, that's it! It's official, he's karked it. Not good if he's been eating toffee pennies or the like. I mean, who thinks of these things? A committee?

Does anyone know if these are true? They are so stupid they must hold some weight. (I read the Pope one in a Sunday broadsheet, although which one escapes me, possibly The Observer) Does anyone know of any other bizarre rituals or procedures by the rich and famous? Rock bands insiting that green M&Ms are removed from the bowls in their dressing rooms doesn't count.
 

rynner2

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Tyger Lily said:
And also, the test to see if the Pope is dead is to knock him on the forehead with a silver hammer, call his baptismal name 3 times and if he doesn't reply, that's it! It's official, he's karked it.
I think this was the basis of the Beatles' song "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" - I leave it to others to Google up the details!
 

jarmaniac

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The thing with the banana is a mere canard. We all know that the Royals have no bodily functions and there is no need for any such, er, droppings.

Tyger Lily said:
And also, the test to see if the Pope is dead is to knock him on the forehead with a silver hammer, call his baptismal name 3 times and if he doesn't reply, that's it! It's official, he's karked it.

'Course, if you hit him hard enough on the forehead with a silver hammer, you've got yourself a fine example of the observer effect...
 

Yithian

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Jarmaniac said:
The thing with the banana is a mere canard. We all know that the Royals have no bodily functions and there is no need for any such, er, droppings.

Even lizards defecate.
 

JurekB

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The best pope story I've heard is that when a new pope is crowned or whatever it is you do to make someone a pope, he sits on a throne with a hole cut out of the seat. Then a senior bishop sticks his hand through the hole and checks that the pope is in fact a bloke.

They've been doing this ever since the Catholic church accidently made a woman pope many hundreds of years ago apparently.

I'm sure it's absolute hogwash but a great story nonetheless.
 

JamesWhitehead

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I was told many years ago that the Queen could not use a common toilet and that a special one had been installed for her when she visited Southport.

Maybe she doesn't wee or poo - she did not use it.

Fascination with the functions of the great and the good led medieval theologians to construct a curious dogma about Jesus. We all know he ate - there are references to it in the Bible - but did he poo? They decided not: the contents of his stomach were miraculously vapourised away without him ever needing to do number twos.

Only a very wicked person would ask if he had a bum-hole. As for the Queen - I'm told she has a capacious handbag! :?

Oh the Pope thing - it certainly used to happen. The idea was a eunuch would be insufficiently troubled by carnality for his celibacy to be virtuous. Or maybe they lived in hope of a dynasty. :err:
 
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Anonymous

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So, the lady in waiting would then have to put her hand down the loo, and fish out a banana? I suppose there must be something done to prevent anyone hearing royal plops, but...hmmm.

I did read that the queen has never, in her life had to put her own bra on.
 

stu neville

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JurekB said:
The best pope story I've heard is that when a new pope is crowned or whatever it is you do to make someone a pope, he sits on a throne with a hole cut out of the seat. Then a senior bishop sticks his hand through the hole and checks that the pope is in fact a bloke.
As James said, it certainly did happen up until the Middle Ages.
They've been doing this ever since the Catholic church accidently made a woman pope many hundreds of years ago apparently.

I'm sure it's absolute hogwash but a great story nonetheless.
It's not proven - then again proving what happened to Glenn Miller is difficult, and that happened 60 years ago, so proving or disproving something that happened 1,000 years ago is a trifle harder still.

There's a good overview of the Pope Joan story here, from which I've culled:
The female pope reportedly was born in Germany of English missionary parents and grew up unusually bright in an era when learned women were considered unnatural and dangerous. To break the glass ceiling, it was said, she pretended to be male. At 12, she was taken in masculine attire to Athens by a "learned man," a monk described as her teacher and lover.

Disguised in the sexless garb of a cleric, she "made such progress in various sciences," Martin of Troppau wrote, "that there was nobody equal to her." Eventually, it was said, she became a cardinal in Rome, where her knowledge of the scriptures led to her election as Pope John Anglicus... but by no name would she win a place in the Vatican's official catalog of popes. The church insists that its papal line, dating back to St. Peter, is an unbroken string of men. Scholars tend to agree. An array of reference books, from the Encyclopaedia Britannica to the Oxford Dictionary of Popes, dismiss Pope Joan as a mythical or legendary figure, no more real than Paul Bunyan or Old King Cole. (Another Joan, the 15th-century martyr Joan of Arc, is honored by the church as a saint.)

The chief weakness of the Pope Joan story is the absence of any contemporary evidence of a female pope during the dates suggested for her reign. In each instance, clerical records show someone else holding the papacy and doing deeds that are transcribed in church history.

Another problem is the gap between the alleged event and the news of it. Not until the 13th century?400 years after Joan, by the most accepted accounts, ruled?does any mention of a female pope appear in any documents. That's akin to word breaking out just now that England in 1600 had a queen named Elizabeth.

The historical gap, some Joanites suggest, was deliberately created. Cross, the novelist, argues that clerics of the day were so appalled by Joan's trickery that they went to great lengths to avoid and eliminate any written report of it.
Same old same old, then - conspiracy theorists pointing out that lack of evidence is conclusive proof of conspiracy to erase the evidence :).
 
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Anonymous

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I was always told that Her Royal Majesty, Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. (Elizabeth II, Dei Gratia Britanniarum Regnorumque Suorum Ceterorum Regina, Consortionis Populorum Princeps, Fidei Defensor), had someone to poo in her stead: The royal Deliverer Of The Back Passage?

:?
 
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Anonymous

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stu neville said:
JurekB said:
The best pope story I've heard is that when a new pope is crowned or whatever it is you do to make someone a pope, he sits on a throne with a hole cut out of the seat. Then a senior bishop sticks his hand through the hole and checks that the pope is in fact a bloke.
As James said, it certainly did happen up until the Middle Ages.
They've been doing this ever since the Catholic church accidently made a woman pope many hundreds of years ago apparently.

I'm sure it's absolute hogwash but a great story nonetheless.
It's not proven - then again proving what happened to Glenn Miller is difficult, and that happened 60 years ago, so proving or disproving something that happened 1,000 years ago is a trifle harder still.


Hmm... I read not long a go an article by swedish professor Dick Harrisson (medieval history) where he called both the chair story and "pope Joan" medival urban legends and said not a word was true. But peasants of old thought it made a really good tale.
 

escargot

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The Queen certainly does have a royal arsehole. Several, in fact. :lol:
One is in Australia as we speak.
(Edit: one assumes this insult referred to Prince Charles.)

The banana story, it's simply not right. What a waste of a banana if it's just thrown down t'bog instead of being eaten, and how rude it would be to make someone eat it.

the fruit-loving scarg makes a mental note to avoid the Banana Boat dessert on next visit to the Palace. ;)

On a royals-and-fruit-related note, I read about Princess Margaret's detailed evening meal instructions a few years ago. She was staying somewhere and wanted a particularly difficult and fiddly dish, like a souffle or something, which the Scottish chef was proud to prepare.

At the last minute she changed her mind and asked for just one orange, peeled and segmented on a plate.

The furious chef peeled the orange, shoved it down his kecks and rubbed it round his crotch before carrying on and serving it. :lol:
 
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EggSucker

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Dirty....dirty....dirty.... :shock:

What if she'd choked to death on his pyabs? I can imagine the headlines.... and strangely find it immensely funny! :rofl:
 

Melf

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there was a royal title called "keeper of the royal stools"

iirc tony robinson did a series on beeb 1 or 2. called worst jobs in history
 

liveinabin

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I once heard that if the Queen did visit the loo when out and about, the toilet had to be distroyed afterwards!
 
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Anonymous

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Legend has it that the officers mess (!) at Dartford navy Collage has a jar with either Princess Ann's or The Duke Of Edinborough's poo in it (which is posible as both have attended passing out parades there etc)... it haveing been fished out of a "royal loo" after a visit..... i wonder if that was the inspiration of the poo in Pracilla Queen Of The Desert?
 

giantrobot1

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From Wikipedia:

The current regulations regarding a Papal interregnum -- i.e., a Sede Vacante "vacant see" -- were promulgated by John Paul II in his 1996 document Universi Dominici Gregis. During the Sede Vacante, the Sacred College of Cardinals, composed of the Pope's principal advisors and assistants, is collectively responsible for the government of the Church and of the Vatican itself, under the direction of the Cardinal Chamberlain; however, canon law specifically forbids the Cardinals from introducing any innovation in the government of the Church during the vacancy of the Holy See. Any decision that needs the assent of the Pope has to wait until a new Pope has been elected and takes office.

The Pope's death is officially determined by the Cardinal Chamberlain by gently tapping the late Pope's head thrice with a golden hammer and calling his name. A doctor may or may not have already determined that the Pope had passed away. The Cardinal Chamberlain then retrieves the Fisherman's Ring. Usually the ring is on the Pope's right hand. But with Paul VI, he had stopped wearing the ring during the last years of his reign, and left it in his desk. In other cases the ring might have been removed for medical reasons. The Chamberlin cuts the ring in two in the presence of the Cardinals. The deceased Pope's seals are defaced, to keep the Pope's seal from ever being used again, and his personal apartment is sealed.

The body then lies in state for a number of days before being interred in the crypt of a leading church or cathedral; the Popes of the Twentieth century have all been interred in St. Peter's Basilica, but it is expected that the reigning Pope, Pope John Paul II, will be interred in his native Poland. A nine-day period of mourning (novem dialis) follows after the interment of the late Pope.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope#Death ... d_election
 

rynner2

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liveinabin said:
I once heard that if the Queen did visit the loo when out and about, the toilet had to be distroyed afterwards!
That happened to me once - or did I just destroy the toilet?

I certainly produced some mighty t*rds, after several months spent 'squatting' in the Sahara desert, that ordinary domestic porcelaine seemed unable to cope with....



MODS!

Perhaps this should be in the POO! thread! :D
 

AsamiYamazaki

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I had a friend who was a footman at the palace and he said there was a line put down that no one could pass when her maj was in the bog as past this point her doings would become audible.

However, rather than it being a banana dumped down the toilet to ascertain said audible point, he told me it was someone pouring a mug of water instead.
 

Heckler

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Lollypockets said:
However, rather than it being a banana dumped down the toilet to ascertain said audible point, he told me it was someone pouring a mug of water instead.

She likes a chicken phall curry then does our Madge? :cross eye
 

oll_lewis

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sidecar_jon said:
Legend has it that the officers mess (!) at Dartford navy Collage has a jar with either Princess Ann's or The Duke Of Edinborough's poo in it (which is posible as both have attended passing out parades there etc)

Passing out parades???
those royals have weird toilet rituals indeed. Imagine being the poor queen and only being alowd to pass one out once a year after the trooping of the colour... :shock:
 
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Anonymous

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Reminds me of a story I once read about out own swedish royalty (which doesn't have as many reptilian genes as the brittish dito, it seems).

Apparenty, then the king and queen are out traveling around in Sweden they follow the old tradition to crash at some subject's private home in order to keep the cost down. Their security will prior to the journey find a house suitable from a security point of view and ask if they may borrow it for a few days. The houseowner are usually not compensated with money but asked if there is anything they'd like to have done with their home instead.

This family who borrowed out their house asked to have their bathroom rebuilt. It was done before the royal couple arrived, so after they left, the family put up a engraved brass plaque on the bathroom door "On this toilet, King Carl XVI Gustaf once took a dump".
 

Heckler

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I don't get it, why does the queen having a problem with someone potentially hearing her performing a natural function that all animals have to perform?

Surely she doesn't really believe that her subjects would be surprised and shocked that Frau Windsor is actually human as opposed to divine?

Heckler climbs down off his soap box and is lead silently and rather sadly to the Tower to spend of the rest of his short life before being executed. "Human indeed!" snorts Madge.
 

EggSucker

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Perhaps it's because of the reptilian chittering noises she makes when passing a stool? All those small mammal bones must really sting on the way out.
 

Heckler

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Jolly Jack said:
Perhaps it's because of the reptilian chittering noises she makes when passing a stool? All those small mammal bones must really sting on the way out.

:lol: Visions of 'V' suddenly spring to mind.

Maybe that's it, she has such hideous piles that she doesn't want footmen to hear her anguished screams, a reign of fire indeed.
 

EggSucker

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[quote="Heckler

Maybe that's it, she has such hideous piles that she doesn't want footmen to hear her anguished screams, a reign of fire indeed.[/quote]


Preparation HRH anyone?
 

AsamiYamazaki

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OT, but does anyone remember that bit in V when the new alien overlord (bugger knows what he was really meant to be called), Charles, turned up and he hooked up Diana ... is this where Mr Icke originally got the idea?

L
 

Heckler

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Lollypockets said:
OT, but does anyone remember that bit in V when the new alien overlord (bugger knows what he was really meant to be called), Charles, turned up and he hooked up Diana ... is this where Mr Icke originally got the idea?

L

Well spotted, I had forgotten that. :shock:
 

paulsamotis

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A new toilet is certainly installed for the queen when she visits, this at least was the case in Bristol a couple of years ago. My wife, who works for the university, reported that a scruffy old staff toilet was removed and replaced with a pristine unused new toilet for the royal visit. It was never used, so after the royal bottom had left the buliding the new loo was removed and the knackered old one put back in!!

Also. a piece of ugly concrete wall, visible from an internal window, was repainted, but only that piece immediately outside of the window!
 
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