Posting this on May 1st, a day on which, among other things, people have a licence to be silly. (Would have posted it on April 1st, but was without Internet access on that day.)
Idea originated with a post on a forum with an interest in the Bigfoot phenomenon -- post titled "Bigfoot Alphabet". It turned out that the subject was a Bigfoot believer's contention that Bigfoot has a spoken language, which said believer was seeking ways of rendering into understandable written form. The forum was the James Randi Educational Foundation -- whereby general burden of thread came to be, "these Bigfooters are barking mad". My eyes first lighting on the words "Bigfoot Alphabet", had me mistakenly thinking "one of those 26-stanza comic verse efforts, on a particular theme..." Finding that I was wrong there; I set out to compose a ditty along such lines.
A's for a sweet lass whose first name is Autumn;
Chased the critters for years, but she sadly ne'er caught 'em.
Though in one last fiasco in Florida she sought 'em,
Mighty little's yet known about Bigfoot.
B - the initial abounds in this game:
Our creature; some Bobs; and two Russkis, have fame;
Bindernagel, Byrne, Buk'was, Biscardi -- a shame
That B-all's what we know about Bigfoot.
C's for Chehalis, the home of J. Burns,
Who from his Red charges, much 'footy lore learns,
And coins the name "Sasquatch", because he discerns
That it sounds much more elegant than "Bigfoot".
Dahinden for D, who forsook chick and child
To hunt Bigfoot for years, all alone through the wild;
But got never a glimpse, like so many beguiled --
Seems there's something perverse about Bigfoot.
E: Beckjord, the late -- paranormalists' friend
(They'd no need of enemies, when help he did lend) --
He made it all personal; drove folk round the bend,
And did not advance study of Bigfoot.
F's for Fred Beck, once besieged by the brutes;
Each man in his party all night gamely shoots
To fend off the "hairies"; but -- clueless galoots --
They retrieve not one corpse of a Bigfoot.
G -- Green, John and Mary; two takes on the theme:
In their ways, both from followers get high esteem --
Some flak, too; if they had joined up as a team,
Who knows what they'd have found out on Bigfoot?
H -- Henner, self-styled learned scholar on hair,
And on our friend's sex-life: went overboard there
In public description; this might not be fair --
But for many. proved "last straw" re Bigfoot.
I's for the Iceman, a famed "carny" feature
Which caused much head-scratching: a fake, or real creature?
Till shenanigans with some collector-cum-preacher
Confused all, touching this maybe-Bigfoot.
J's Jeffrey Meldrum, the "science figurehead"
For Bigfoot believers -- with care one should tread
If doubting his words; but, let softly be said,
He knows less, than he guesses, re Bigfoot.
K is for Krantz (now deceased, which is sad) --
An erudite scholar who wanted so bad,
A solution -- he cried out, "Sure, shoot one !" -- rash lad;
But still no-one's hauled in a dead Bigfoot.
L is for lemurs, of which I'm a fan:
Rumours from their fave isle, of a lemurine ape-man;
And Ketchum's co-opted him, just 'cause she can,
As the non-human ancestor of Bigfoot.
M -- Melba (above): sure, she's been working hard;
Self-made own learned journal -- too right, she's a card.
Mad. prosimians too, our friend's forbears -- my Gahd --
It's no wonder folk ridicule Bigfoot.
N's for Nahanni, a boreal vale
Where there's something, perhaps, that makes strong men turn pale
And removes people's heads -- it's a fine campfire tale,
But not really strong evidence of Bigfoot.
O is for Ostman, the famed abductee,
In '24, snatched by a Squatch family;
But got thence little info -- he promptly did flee;
Did not much for our knowledge of Bigfoot.
P's for Patty -- who else? Gained renown at Bluff Creek;
As to just what she was -- years gone by, as we speak,
Forty-five: sure conclusion in vain all sides seek
Still, on -- was she a genuine Bigfoot?
Q -- Quebec, where in seventeen-something A.D.,
Live squatch put on board of a ship, alledg'dly,
France-bound; so you won't be surprised, it strikes me,
To learn, no more e'er heard of said Bigfoot.
R is for Roger: the big film he shot --
Which no-one denies; he was p'raps a bad lot,
But, hero or con-man, he's long bought his plot --
The afterlife's where he quests Bigfoot.
S is for Smeja, bold hunter (or not);
Stone dead, per his story, two squatches he shot.
But all tangible trace, which he much later got,
Was a small lump of "possibly-Bigfoot".
T's David Thompson, an explorer of yore --
Two centuries back, prints in Canada he saw.
He mumbled of mammoths and bears; but dead sure
Are some fans, that the maker was Bigfoot.
U is for unicorns, much cited by mockers
Who reckon that 'footers are clean off their rockers,
And argue with glee -- oh, the killjoyish shockers --
That there's little more evidence for Bigfoot.
V's for Vietnam, to which some ageing fans
Were sent in their youth (not a part of their plans).
A few met our friend there, or closely-kin clans;
But it looks as though Nam's since lost Bigfoot.
W's for Washington, a highly-praised state --
As a hotspot for our stuff, some claim that it's great.
Hang out round St. Helen's; but you'll have a long wait,
I'll wager, at best, to see Bigfoot.
X is for X-Files; which show did achieve
A great trademark quote -- viz. "I want to believe";
And 'footers oft cause the logicians to grieve
When they put that in practice re Bigfoot.
Y is for Yeti, and Yeren, and Yowie
(The last sought in Oz-land, from Perth to Mundowie);
With these three Y's, alas, 'spite all efforts, still now we
Know less of them even, than Bigfoot.
Z -- Zana, who nobly accomplished her bit
For cryptid / hom. sap. good relations -- whence Khwit.
Very few've done as much; yet it's gained scarce one whit
Of knowledge re Almas or Bigfoot.
