Dreaming Of The Dead

[escargot]

Saw this on Facebook and thought I'd share it here.

An old friend actor Matt often has dead friends and relatives visit him in his dreams.
He had a lovely actor friend called Malcolm who always seemed to play baddies and ne’er do wells (was in Lovejoy) but in real life was the most charming and sweet man.

He was also an amazing painter and brilliant raconteur, who called everyone ‘dear heart’.

Matt said casually to me one day ‘I dreamed about xx last night. I haven’t seen him since his funeral about 4 years ago’.

Matt was delighted to see his friend and, exclaiming on the years gone by, Malcolm beamed at him and said ‘Well yes, I thought that I would come and visit you!’.

Matt asked him how it was up there and Malcolm said it was wonderful. Matt then asked if there were lots of rules and his friend said pleasantly ‘Oh yes, yes. Lots of rules’.

They popped into the French House pub and saw lots of old friends there.

Matt said that Rick Mayall was at the bar too but looking younger.

I have heard that when you die, you settle into the age that you were happiest and healthiest at and Matt says that when he dreams about his parents, they are much younger.

They continued to wandered around Soho, as they used to do, chatting happily about art, etc and Malcolm greeted many friends on the way.

They all exclaimed at how well he looked and he replied back cheekily ‘Why thank you! I shouldn’t be you know - because I’m dead’

 

[ThosRandomBloke]

My Dad died around 5 years ago, fairly suddenly though he was mid-80s. The
years since have been tough as my wife and I looked after Mom through frailty and dementia.

Ever since Dad died I’ve had a recurring dream where Dad is ‘back’ and well all doing mundane stuff but where the key point is that I know he died and hence
I can’t work out why he’s back again. It’s not scary but it is unsettling.

A few months ago, Mom died. Also as unexpectedly as it can be for someone on their 90s with dementia and other health conditions.

Since Mom died, I’ve not had that Dad dream once. However I now sometimes have the same kind of dreams involving Mom. Again, the key point is me knowing that Mom died, remembering it,funeral etc and trying to work out why she’s ‘back’.
Last night’s was particularly vivid to the point where it involved my saying to my wife, in the dream, that ‘this time though it’s not even a dream! It’s real!’

Again, not scary etc, just unsettling.

In just about every way, I think I’m doing fine but the dreams suggest that somewhere deep down I may not be. I am having a course of grief counselling, largely for this reason, but it feels a bit pointless as, aside from the weird dream, I’m doing fine and don’t really have anything to bring to it.

Thanks for reading. It would be interesting to know whether anyone else has had this specific type of dream. I saw a couple of replies very early in the thread that were similar but not quite the same.

 

[gattino]

I've probably said somewhere in this thread when my deceased relatives appear in dreams the fact of their death never features. To me this suggests there is no post mortem visitation aspect.

Yours however may hint that it really is a "we live on" message.

 

[Sabresonic]

My Dad died around 5 years ago, fairly suddenly though he was mid-80s. The
years since have been tough as my wife and I looked after Mom through frailty and dementia.

Ever since Dad died I’ve had a recurring dream where Dad is ‘back’ and well all doing mundane stuff but where the key point is that I know he died and hence
I can’t work out why he’s back again. It’s not scary but it is unsettling.

A few months ago, Mom died. Also as unexpectedly as it can be for someone on their 90s with dementia and other health conditions.

Since Mom died, I’ve not had that Dad dream once. However I now sometimes have the same kind of dreams involving Mom. Again, the key point is me knowing that Mom died, remembering it,funeral etc and trying to work out why she’s ‘back’.
Last night’s was particularly vivid to the point where it involved my saying to my wife, in the dream, that ‘this time though it’s not even a dream! It’s real!’

Again, not scary etc, just unsettling.

In just about every way, I think I’m doing fine but the dreams suggest that somewhere deep down I may not be. I am having a course of grief counselling, largely for this reason, but it feels a bit pointless as, aside from the weird dream, I’m doing fine and don’t really have anything to bring to it.

Thanks for reading. It would be interesting to know whether anyone else has had this specific type of dream. I saw a couple of replies very early in the thread that were similar but not quite the same.

When my brother died in 2017 I would and still have dreams when he comes back but I know that he has passed over and when I see him I think "great it's it's Stephen back" but then my heart sinks knowing it's only temporary as he is dead.

Other dreams he is come back and then says I got to go again in a few days

 

[brownmane]

Ever since Dad died I’ve had a recurring dream where Dad is ‘back’ and well all doing mundane stuff but where the key point is that I know he died and hence
I can’t work out why he’s back again. It’s not scary but it is unsettling.

I occasionally dream of my grandma who died in 1999. She was 85-86.

The disturbing part is I know she died and understand that people don't come back, but others don't seem to notice this.

Or, she is living and I try to figure out how old she would be and know that it is virtually impossible for anyone to be this age. Again, others don't seem to question this "reality".

 

[charliebrown]

As I once said, on that rare occasion I dream of my parents they are usually young.

Just curious when you dream of your family members are they young or old ?

 

[ThosRandomBloke]

As I once said, on that rare occasion I dream of my parents they are usually young.

Just curious when you dream of your family members are they young or old ?

So far, always older - as they were not long before they died (both reasonably mobile for their age i.e. not bedridden). In the most recent one though, I think Mom was slightly younger and more active but not by much.

 

[brownmane]

As I once said, on that rare occasion I dream of my parents they are usually young.

Just curious when you dream of your family members are they young or old ?

Generally the age that I last knew them, though with my dad, who was 88 when he died (5 years ago), I think I see him slightly younger. He was in a wheelchair before he died and I know I don’t dream of him in it, but walking instead.

 

[Ellecram]

When my brother died in 2017 I would and still have dreams when he comes back but I know that he has passed over and when I see him I think "great it's it's Stephen back" but then my heart sinks knowing it's only temporary as he is dead.

Other dreams he is come back and then says I got to go again in a few days

Those are such bittersweet dreams. I understand what you mean when you speak of the sinking heart.

I sometimes dream about my son who died at 25 and it feels so real. Until I wake up and have to experience that rush of grief all over again. Thankfully it's been nearly 18 years and my sleepy self can recover rather quickly but it's certainly a jolt to the system.

 

[Iris]

 

[PeteS]

My Dad died around 5 years ago, fairly suddenly though he was mid-80s. The
years since have been tough as my wife and I looked after Mom through frailty and dementia.

Ever since Dad died I’ve had a recurring dream where Dad is ‘back’ and well all doing mundane stuff but where the key point is that I know he died and hence
I can’t work out why he’s back again. It’s not scary but it is unsettling.

A few months ago, Mom died. Also as unexpectedly as it can be for someone on their 90s with dementia and other health conditions.

Since Mom died, I’ve not had that Dad dream once. However I now sometimes have the same kind of dreams involving Mom. Again, the key point is me knowing that Mom died, remembering it,funeral etc and trying to work out why she’s ‘back’.
Last night’s was particularly vivid to the point where it involved my saying to my wife, in the dream, that ‘this time though it’s not even a dream! It’s real!’

Again, not scary etc, just unsettling.

In just about every way, I think I’m doing fine but the dreams suggest that somewhere deep down I may not be. I am having a course of grief counselling, largely for this reason, but it feels a bit pointless as, aside from the weird dream, I’m doing fine and don’t really have anything to bring to it.

Thanks for reading. It would be interesting to know whether anyone else has had this specific type of dream. I saw a couple of replies very early in the thread that were similar but not quite the same.

I wouldn't worry too much about your dreams, it's part of the normal grieving process. I dream about my parents and other people I've known and loved, even decades after their passing. It's very hard to deal with the death of those who were close but inevitably I think most learn to live with these losses and dreaming about those people can bring a touch of comfort that they are not forgotten.

 

[SimonBurchell]

As I once said, on that rare occasion I dream of my parents they are usually young.

Just curious when you dream of your family members are they young or old ?

A very strange and powerful dream about my dad (related on this thread I think) involved me seeing him as a young man.

Another strange dream featuring my maternal grandmother and her mother had both of them much younger than when they died, looking middle-aged rather than very elderly.

 

[charliebrown]

As a child playgrounds for kids were usually attached to school yards, and they were simple like swings, spinning wheel, and a jungle Jim’s bars.

Today the playgrounds are covered in special ground up tires to cause less injuries and better equipment.

In one dream I was telling my young mother to spin me.

Strangely anyone I dream of never tries a talk, but just stares.

 

[charliebrown]

My wife dreams are different dreams from me, and her deceased father talks to her in her dreams.

In one dream after my wife’s father passed he told her he was fine.

In another dream when my wife was helping her mother to fight cancer, she thought for sure her mom would pass soon.

Yet in my wife’s dream her father told my wife it was not yet time for her mother to die which turned out to be true.

 

[ThosRandomBloke]

I wouldn't worry too much about your dreams, it's part of the normal grieving process. I dream about my parents and other people I've known and loved, even decades after their passing. It's very hard to deal with the death of those who were close but inevitably I think most learn to live with these losses and dreaming about those people can bring a touch of comfort that they are not forgotten.

Thanks.
I don’t think I’m worried particularly, and you’re doubtless correct about it being part of the grieving process.

The curious part is that, every time, ‘dream me’ *knows* that they shouldn’t be ‘here’, which confuses ‘dream me’.

Maybe my subconscious is just a little too focused on detail and hence the “No, hang on a minute..!” part rather than just enjoying having them back for a little while

 

[MisterJolly]

Thanks.
I don’t think I’m worried particularly, and you’re doubtless correct about it being part of the grieving process.

The curious part is that, every time, ‘dream me’ *knows* that they shouldn’t be ‘here’, which confuses ‘dream me’.

Maybe my subconscious is just a little too focused on detail and hence the “No, hang on a minute..!” part rather than just enjoying having them back for a little while

I have a variation on that (more later), and I occasionally experience some of what are the more "realistic" dreams, vivid, lucid (so maybe just a form of lucid dreaming) and generally real.

My wife (L) passed in 2014, on the Wednesday after I had a very realistic dream where I met her, briefly, in bed how she was just before she passed, and she gave me a message about how I had to live my life. I didn't know what to make of it, the lucidity of it chimed with how I normally dreamt just before I woke up, the dream leading to a sort of crescendo and then a slightly jarring awakening. What do I think of it? Ask me one day and then ask me the next day and you'll get 2 different answers but I suspect it was my mind trying to calm me down.

There have been a few like that, but the main one was when, several months later, I ventured to the US and stayed in a hotel (not the same room) we'd previously stayed at. In the middle of the night, I had an incredibly vivid dream of my wife being in the bed next to me, I could touch, smell, and hold her as if real life. In the 80s, like so many, I read the issue of Omni with its article about lucid dreaming (I still have it), and it mentioned how to tell if you were dreaming, about looking at things and looking back, and I did all that. The thing is, it was consistent, the pictures, the view didn't change as expected. Eventually, things moved on, but I awoke and remembered how vivid it was. There's been a couple since, and there was indeed a couple in between the two I have mentioned earlier, but to return to my "I have a variation on that" remark...

At times, L features as a background character - at times she's mixed in with other people, at times she's there, but I have the thought that it's someone else playing her part. But the heavy thing is that off and on - sometimes multiple times in a night, I'll have a dream where we're talking or there in each others lives, and we're splitting up. We don't know why, we can't do anything about it, and we don't know where things go. Eventually, I wake up and reflect if I remember. At first, they were really heavy, traumatic at times, but now I just wonder why I didn't think "oh this is cobblers" or come up with something better to talk about or ask.
They're not vivid like the others, they just have a mood - dreams have a mood for me, an atmosphere. I dream about x, and mood y will feature, it's like that.

I'm sceptical I'm talking to those who have passed. I once had a chat with my mum in my sleep and it was very vivid. She replied in what I'd term her own voice, very much "her". But she wasn't dead and lived for another 2 decades, so I suspect the mind can form these things for whatever reason to cope. I'd love to be wrong, a lot of weird stuff happened around the time of L's passing and continued for a couple of years but I suspect that was just trying to make sense of things.

 

[escargot]

I dreamed of awaking in my bedroom where there was no furniture. Someone had stolen it all.
My duvet was nearby though and I thought Well at least I have that! and pulled it over myself.

Just then I noticed that a much-loved late relation was sitting huddled nearby, looking like a teenager rather than the adult they had been at death.
They were whimpering and sobbing.

I reached over and embraced them, saying 'It's OK, we can sort it out!' and I wrapped the duvet round us both.
The relation was crying on my shoulder when I awoke. I felt they were comforted.

This is because of our recent discussion on the Cycling thread of the death of a young girl who was killed in a bike accident.
I feel keenly for her parents who were let down by the doctors treating her. It reminds me of my own fear that I could have saved my relation who died.
Sadly, we were all defeated by forces out of our control.

 

[chanubi]

After my dad died, I started having dreams about him. We'd have blistering rows over just about anything, and sometimes I felt he was trying to reach out and was hurt that he couldn't. But after a while the angry dreams stopped and I came to terms with his presence.
My sister on the other hand, had the classic sitting and talking dream about a week after his death.
Edit: On the flip side, I've also had the sitting and talking dream about people who've gone on to live another decade or more.